Labor of love!

This will be my last blog for the year and I am ending on a note of contemplation and introspection and definitely not on a note of ridicule. I will come back next year with more fodder for thought and with tales from my travel to Turkey. Hamams and Turkish delights will be served. Yum! Yum!

For now, just come with me on the pride journey that happened in my city, earlier this year.
It was one of those warm days with bearable humidity. Chennai gets many of those days in a year, but today was special and different. To some it was an extra humid day and to some extra cool. The walk on the shores of Marina was symbolically started from “Labor statue”. Labor of love!

Let me belabor…

Public may refer to us as “dykes” and “queer” and label our choice as biologically deviant, but there we march with pride and in solidarity to recolor prejudice and malice with rainbow shades. You can call this a walk of awareness, a walk of camaraderie, a walk to end bigotry, and bottom line a walk to make people think (walkers and watchers).

I never dreamed of this walk to happen in my life time in a city labeled as complex and conservative. Is it difficult to walk among a bunch of homosexuals without being peered, hit and scratched? All said and done…It is definitely one of those days to be inked in the annals of Chennai’s history. A bookmark in the pages of the city!

The pride peacocks assembled behind the labor statue well before time. Some exchanged looks, some shook hands, some diligently exchanged members for later hook up, but before the media vultures arrived they hid their faces behind the Venetian masks, big sun goggles, and covered their flora from the June skies.

Wiping the trickling sweat beads, adjusting their mask, and holding to the placards they passionately marched yelling their memorized slogans. Some afraid of media attention stayed away from holding a placard and they silently marched looking at the world through those small holes in the masks.

A few owners walked their heterosexual pets and I found some without owners (stray) walking the march. Do dogs have a choice? Those bitches were fag hags!

Some of those who marched the pride had nothing to do with the gay community. They were straight as arrow and came to support their friends. Do they even understand what it is to be gay? Or was it a photo opportunity and free publicity?

I have had incidents where some of my straight friends whom I came out to became uncomfortable when I put my hands around them. These guys couldn’t differentiate between touch of friend from touch of lust. Their misgivings are understandable, but how I do make them feel comfortable?

As it gathered mass and momentum I migrated from the sidelines of the march and moved to the center of the march.

I turned around and realized that I was surrounded by homosexuals, many of them were strangers. The smell of testosterone was overpowering. I paused and looked at my community the purpose of the march.

For some this was another opportunity to swap numbers, exchange looks, and write an open invitation to bed. Then there were a few who stayed in the sidelines of the march and their sexuality. They came to check out and possibly ogle and take home one or two from the crowd.
The march slowed at time, had its moments of silence, suddenly there was cheer and it moved swiftly towards the destination.

Some among the community wore sexuality on their sleeve and walked around as through it is their only identity to manhood and ticket to salvation. In the gay world honesty is scare and promiscuity is an epidemic.

Many of us walked around with broken hearts, many of us were cheated, many of us were dumped, and many of us were used like surgical cotton. Many at times the straight world was less threatening and treacherous than the gay world. We extricated ourselves from the web of gossip and treachery, temporarily fled the island of loneliness, and marched with pain, bitterness and issues of trust. Yet we walked bravely to reform the society wearing the badges of dishonor and carrying baggages of deceit, depression and disappointment. The fire of truth and transparency was long extinguished and the torch of infidelity and dishonesty was held high. Isn’t it time for self reformation?

It may be okay and accepted to do such marches in the West, but East is not yet there. We lack basic hygiene to deal with homosexuality. Do we have counseling facilities for homosexuals, their immediate family and friends? Is there someone out there who can teach us how to live with dignity, responsibility of a relationship, pride without prowling, promiscuity and preying? Don’t we have to be educated with the rules of relationship, hygiene in physical intimacy, safety of safe sex and importantly learn not to treat humans as sex toys.

As the march reached the final destination “Light house” the crowd dispersed – some dispersed with euphoria to attend the evening party and some returned home with melancholy.
Sadly no one seems to have realized that there is a long list of things to be done within the community, but we’ve already out on a march to reform the society. Another pride march ended without a purpose.

Tell me how many gay relationships have lasted fora life time? Even before the tear of disappointment from the previous relationship dries we are ready to date the next. With low threshold to boredom, patience and maintain relationship what respect are we really expecting from the society?

That night Chennai march was nationally telecasted. Orthodox, cocoon, caterpillar image of Chennai was repainted. Next morning front pages in most newspapers carried images from the pride walk with words and voices from the faces behind the masks. Homosexual men trapped in marriages made sure their wives were not around while they enjoyed very word and picture in the newspaper.

In the vortex of Sexuality 20s or 40s?

What about 40's and what about men in 40's? Is 40 a biological barrier or a psychological barrier? Should I treat these as independent questions or should I treat them together? Does it matter? Anyways both questions seem to be juicy, spicy, hot, sticky, cerebral and with lot of mileage for redemption and exploration.
Confessions first….

My earlier encounters with men in their 40’s were intriguingly interesting. Intrigued because, they seem to carry the love, passion and spark that ignited my dampened and withered soul. Interesting because, all of this came without any commitment or shelf life. Was it just an attraction/infactuation from my end? Or was it mutual? Every relationship however long and momentary is for mutual gain. Let us park this question for now and rewind my tapes from my teenage and tormenting twenties to analyze and understand mutual needs and the need for intellectual arousal.

All said and some never done, I found men in 40’s extremely warm, caring, strong and living from the heart. I felt they had reached the stage of maturity and seasoning in life, and was sure they would take care of me and never hurt me. But then I was in my late teens and it was too early for me to walk into their shoes and understand what they were looking for in me.

Grey and bald in worldly parlance meant thinkers and intellectuals with oozing wisdom who've weathered the storms of life. Wow…sound so hot material and mentally stimulating…huh? Yes, I did chase them because I wanted to share feelings of my sexuality and have them for mentors and look up to them for support, guidance and comfort in life. This was something that I could never get at home with my undecided, and confusing, undefined and contorted sexuality.

You can label men in 40’s as my “festish” but in reality I needed validation; I needed someone to comfort me and someone to teach me how to live with my biological inadequacies, teach me sexual proclivities of life.

Was I caught in the vortex of sexuality, delusion, desire, or curiosity or all of the above? I was truly a science student, experimenting with men and my sexuality. Sigmund Freud was not around, if he would have been around, he would have “theorized” my experimentation and coordinated my vertex of sexuality.

Curiosity always remained the denominator of our life. I wanted to understand the psychology of men in 40’s.What do men in 40’s want? What is their expedition all about? Are they vanquishing their suppressed emotions? Is it their 2nd adolescence? Is it onset of andropause? I had so many questions to answer and find answers.

I hunted down those men in grey, those with receding hairline and those who fathered a few kids. What a combination, huh? What a choice of menu! Raging hormones was waging a war inside me. I felt even more attracted when I heard them talk about their wife and children. This is because, I always longed to have a family of my own and I wanted a man who would take care of me like his own family. I wanted my men and I wanted the warmth of a relationship and kids. Honestly, someone was living my life and dream. I wanted to enjoy be with someone who was living my dream. It is natural to feel jealous, but I just wanted to be a part of that life and dream. I wanted to know how easy it was to be gay, married and with kids? I also wanted to know how men in 40’s think. How to be free from guilt and yet happy? How to keep everyone (wife, society, in-laws and parents) happy in the marriage?

Life has both reasons and seasons! Twenty years later as I approach my cliff of my 30s I am just like those men who I chased – that holds good only with respect to my physical landscape. I was still single, I didn’t have kids, and I was not in a marriage cocooned by the society. Today my geography is identical to theirs, I am bald and my beard is almost grey but my libido has calmed down. Those grey ones were interesting to observe from my side of the shore.

Mallik, married father of two, grey hair not bald, biked into my life after an infatuation bid at the traffic light. His eyes were telegraphing untold stories, his heart was idling faster than his bike engine and his tongue kept pushing those words down back into his gullet. The light turned green and chaos soon returned on the streets. At this stage of life I was not looking for any support, any clarity, any buoy to get me ashore, but still curiousity made me look through the torn plastic in the rear window. He was following me like a maniac, swerving and jumping red lights. That was the power of the hidden desires and propulsion by hormones. He was 2 meters away from me, but there was a lot of hesitation to speak to me I got down at my destination. I went up to him and asked him what he wanted, well I didn't want to assume anything. The cliched pick-up line "Do I know you from somewhere" (more than a pick-up line it is a line of confession that I am gay) was reeled at me. I smiled, acknowledged and understood the urgency to end his hesitation and invited him to know me over a cup of arabic wine. A few gulps brought out his hidden desires, and the verb appeared to be a noun on the surface. He was stuck in the same vortex of sexuality that I was stuck many years ago.

With 2 kids and a lovely family, he wanted to explore this side of his life that he has ignored for years. 15 years ago coming out was not an option, and marriage was an indelible part of gay men life. But today world wears sexuality on their sleeve. Bollywood movies rant about sexuality, article 377 gets front page coverage in national newspapers and pride marches have becomes a part of every metro culture, Mallik wanted to come out of the self imposed exile. He felt more confident to talk about his desires and he could find more people accepting and understanding. How long can someone hold their soul secrets, guilt, and repressed emotions? His needs were both psychological and psychobiological. What a reversal of role! The 40+ man wanted to catch up with his un-entertained 20s.

Is 40 the new revelation point in a man's life? Does it take him on an inward journey to discovery, enjoy and empty his desires and guilt? Does it give them time, confidence, and courage to hear murmurs of their heart?

Some men accept their suppressed sexuality, some think of it as a fashion statement, while some men blamed their newfound preference on their spice less marriage. Niranjan, a businessman in his 40's, bald and grey, with 2 kids, blame his insipid marriage, and difficult wife for his exploring alternate sexuality. At a common gathering Niranjan came strongly and fiercely at me. Niranajan wanted someone with whom he could share, discuss, confess and engage his dreams and desires. In short a verb cum noun version of mate!

When I rewinded his tape of youth, he confessed his liking for men, but he said he could never muster up courage to stay single or go against his family wish to get married and fell a prey to social mores and quotient guilt. Niranjan is one among many caught in the boundaries of society, self imposed duties towards parents and guilt from surreptitiously engaging in his manly desires. Life in the animal kingdom seemed easy, since there were no moral rules to comply with and copulation was just for procreation. But human world driven by greed, need and want, lust and desires, came with moral rules, frameworks governed by the society. The moral rules of sexuality and morality seemed thin, yet powerful and emotionally/mentally draining.

I still feel 40+ men are perfect husband material in many ways. They were busy making money, paying EMIs, responsibly attending to the needs of their demanding marriage (kids and partner), but they had little time to pause, reflect and recollect. Even if they paused there was nothing much they could do because the vortex of society was powerful to escape. When I paused them they confessed their loneliness, disconnect and sadness. I have noticed that some are interested in connecting at cerebral level, while some are only interested in physical emoluments from the relationship. In general both categories are clear what they want.

Should we blame his repressed emotions or sparking marriage? Niranjan is depressed, and often battling such strong self consuming emotions. His repressed desire was eating his peace more than the guilt after feeding. Many at times we discussed about bottled up sexuality, confused identity, raunchy encounters, and finally garnished our conversation with philosophy of life with the 40s club. He says he finds peace in my company and in our conversation.

My earlier men in 40's were interesting, strong, focussed, but now my men in 40's seem stressed out, smoldering but nevertheless chivalrous. 40s had nothing to do with neither psychological nor biological barrier. It seemed like they wanted to entertain their suppressed desires. There was a time when I wanted their family life, and now they were willing to trade their family life for my singlehood on the peripheries of society.

The vortex of life and sexuality seemed powerful at 20s and 40s.