At the turn of 40

In the last few years, I haven't shopped for anything new other than groceries and all other purchases made were small ticket items like shoes, belts, etc. only bought to replace the worn out pair in my closet. I extended the same austerity and wariness to people that I bring into my life, simply because, I don't want to be a consumer and I want care for those who are already in my life. 

Discovery phase

Three months ago, a friend of mine connected me with his single friend living in the city, where I recently moved to. Though I was excited to connect with him, I was cautiously optimistic having gone through my set of frogs. I restricted the initial interaction to emails to gauge his response, interests and commitment levels. After about two months, I graduated him to Whatsapp, though he has a long way to find a permanent place in my phone book. 

Swipe and wipe

As soon as I landed in the city, I got myself on Grindr to survey the gay population and specially the market for a 40 year old. To my surprise, most of them were in their twenties with raging libido, while a few shocked me by comfortably addressing me as daddy and a married man asked me if I was okay to have a Ashley Madison affair.

Last week, I graduated my friend's friend from WhatsApp messages to a meeting at a coffee shop. On our second meeting, a day later, we went to watch a movie and our third meeting got him all excited below the waist, which I pushed for later. Not sure if he got busy or my push for later annoyed him, I didn't get response to my calls and text messages. A few days later, I got a message from him saying that he is hospitalized and will text me once he feels better. 

I cursed myself for being strict and scaring him away, so I was ready to get horizontal with the next guy. In the meantime one of the twenty year olds got in touch with me on Grindr. After communicating for a few days, I was convinced to meet him for coffee. An engaging 90 min conversation helped us to get to know each other and exchange our plans and perspectives. He proposed that we take a walk on the beach, but the 3km ride to the beach ended up in a dark alley where the car seat turned into a make shift bed. That night I sent him courtesy text message thanking him for the good time, but there has been no response. Did I make a wrong swipe?

Evaluation phase

My austerity and wariness doesn't prevent me from getting excited when I see the next model of iPhone or an attractive and intelligent man. Yesterday, I was sitting across from a financial advisor discussing my long-term financial goals and seeking suggestions lucrative investment opportunities. He was a few years older to me, still the 20 year old in me was excited by his greying hairline. Upon hearing him speak, I moved him quickly on the attractiveness index: he was well-read, and at the same time a good listener. While he was evaluating my financial goals, I evaluated his fingers looking for symbols of commitment and marriage. But within minutes when he made references to his financial goals by linking them to the future of his two daughters, I instantly downgraded him to a junk bond and put his business card in the Rolodex.

Excommunication phase

Despite knowing that Alexa (read my earlier blog) was not reachable from India, I still flirted, got intimate and made memories with her. Upon my return home, I was making efforts to stay in touch with Richy, but when many of my texts went answered for a week, I refrained from messaging and toned down my expectations. Was it the fall of the summer romance?

Trying to forget all these folks, and their responses and memories, I tried calling a friend in another city. But when he didn't recognize my voice and asked me who I was, I turned speechless in shock. I realized that I was excommunicated from his mobile even without any romantic involvement. 

Adding and deleting people from ones phone book may sound simple, but every entry in my phonebook has an emotional experience behind it. While I know what gets people a place on my phonebook, I had no idea what obligations I had to meet to get on their phones and get them to answer my texts and calls. 

At 40, romance and sex seemed like aquaregia dissolving relationships with and without sex. 

Alexa, Quelle est la pensée Richy?

If you are still single at my age (late 30s to early 40s) getting laid is relatively simple and a realistic ambition easily satisfied by Grindr, Scruff, etc. But if you are looking to find a partner then it can turn out to be a tricky and tough search. The 20 and 30 year olds prefer boys of their age, while those around my age are either settled or still hoping to catch a younger rainbow or may have given up on their search; simply not looking and not interested.

Living my 20s away from home getting educated, spending my 30s back with my family and attending to their needs, and now at the start of my 40 I have a burning desire to settle down with my man. Despite two failed attempts: one in my late-twenties and other in my mid-thirties, I am still optimistic with caution. 

On one of my trips more than three years ago to Paris, I met someone interesting. We connected and stayed in touch after I went back and six months later my work moved me to Paris. I felt my prayers were heard and that I was getting an opportunity to live in with someone again. But a week before I got here my hope came crashing when he told that he was not living with a roommate, but it was his partner for 18 years and they were getting ready to split up and move out. 

As much as I wanted him, I wanted him to have a clean break and some cooling time before we started seeing. I put out the relationship flame immediately and two and half years later, we ended up being good friends after an initial period of silence. He continues to live with his partner and is in the look out for an apartment to move out on his own. Secrets and living in with a partner and calling him a roommate are both dangerous. 

As a result of being single for the last three years and optimistic, every time when I come across eligible, available, smart and single men, my heart mildly fibrillates in hope and not in desperation. I ask myself what do I need to do to get this man? I don't ask this in a consumeristic way, but as individual yearning to know the person, work hard to prove my worthiness and eventually have him end by single hood. Isn't that a reasonable desire with commitment to work hard? 

I didn't go to Ptown with an ambition to find somebody, but he seemed special among group in the resort. It was definitely not love at first sight, but I cannot deny the attraction. The time we spent discovering the city, going on shopping trips and dancing together helped us slowly discover our personalities, interests and answer other questions we had on our mind about each other.

The walks, shopping trips and tea dance we did together during the next two days helped us discover our personalities. And when he told me that he was going back for a few days, my heart sank, but came back up like a buoy when he announced that would he back in Boatslip in the middle of the week and in time for the carnival. 

The three days when he was away felt like weeks apart and we texted back and forth to convey our feelings from being apart and our eagerness to meet soon. He is funny, intellectual, and very much my type and age: checking all my boxes, but does it mean that he is available and looking? And I was in the U.S. and in Ptown on vacation, so does this mean that it is going to be a fling or a summer romance set in Ptown?

I had no idea what was running on his mind, but I gave myself the freedom to enjoy the newly discovered and fresh love that was coming my way after a three year self-imposed hiatus. Before we both realized, the mutual attraction pushed the boundaries of intimacy: spending our time together, from taking showers, hanging out to sleeping at night together. One of my friends even commented that we were now staring to behave like lesbians and an engagement ring and U Haul truck wasn't far away.

The five days of courting and hanging out together from dawn until dusk convinced us of our attraction, but will it sustain a week-long separation was the question. I woke up early on that morning and found Rich's arms around me, that was definitely a sign of endearment. Don't you agree? I slowly extricated myself while he was still asleep and left a pillow in my place. But it was not long before Richy texted me asking where I was and soon joined me at the breakfast table near the lobby. At the breakfast table we shared our stories of life that reinforced the foundation of trust and explained our expectations.

Later that morning, he came all all the way to see me off at the ferry point to Boston. Had I known that I was going to meet someone as charming and affectionate as Richy, I would have not booked my tickets to visit my friends in the Mid-west, who would only be happy for me. But nevertheless, I went ahead with my trip and promised to stay in touch through messages, pictures and blogs. The one-week apart also gave us time to calm down our hormones and pragmatically reassess our feelings. Is forty the new twenty? 

And when I came back after a week, he was at Boston airport waiting to pick me up like a devoted partner. He re-established his love with a kiss on my lips and his right hand was holding my left hand while he steered his Volkswagen Rabbit for the next hour before it came to a halt at a restaurant in his neighborhood. A light meal concluded with a water melon mojito sorbet and mangue ananas creme brûlée became an appetizer for what we ended up serving each other in bed.

I came back to this city after a gap of 12 years, while my prospective boyfriend from then was already paired up and happily settled. There was no comparison, unhappiness or peer pressure, but will Richy put an end to my perpetual bachelor hood for eternity?

That night I spooned to my left side so that Richy could hold me from behind; his touch was firm in a loving way. We slept peacefully after our union and Richy was asleep before I could close my eyes. We exchanged a dozen kisses before we got out of bed the next morning. As we stepped out of the room, he summoned Alexa, Amanzon's Echo to play wake up music. 

He quickly brushed and joined me in the shower and while we soaped each other we firmed up the plans for the day like a married couple. Before we left home he again summoned Alexa like a genie asking her for an update on weather. And without Alexa's help we checked on each other a few times during the day before I drove back to pick him up in the evening.

Our pact was to leave behind all that happened in Ptown back there, but what about things in Providence. It sounded surreal and like a fairytale to me. But how about him? What is running in his mind? If it was meant to be short lived why did his mind not turn into a wary wife leaving no chambre pour la bon moment et l'magnifique memoir du l'affaire? 

 

But why didn't the wife not intervene when we created memories in our shower, bed room and funny stories with Alexa? How about our shopping trips and romantic dinners or when I picked him up from work. Was she okay with this arrangement? Did she know it was going to be a short-lived summer novel set in Ptown or was she building our future together beginning in Providence? 

Finally, the wife came out when I gave him a thank you card appreciating his kindness and care. I thought she was going to let him display it on the counter next to the kitchen sink, but instead she made him leave the card aside like other old magazines in his living room. Are these cards like the many pairs shoes that filled his living room and closet at the entrance? 

Alexa knew the climate, but does she know the climax? Alexa, what do I decipher from this? Will Richy end my single hood? Does he have secrets like my French friend? Could you please find out his feelings and share them with me? Unfortunately, I found out while driving to the airport that Alexa doesn't work outside of the U.S. and I would have to get back to the U.S. to get her response. 

The Gay Pilgrimage

You could be participating in a quiz show and posed with a tricky million dollar question to name the city popularly referred to as the Gay pilgrimage. You have four choices to pick from: Las Vegas, San Francisco, Miami, Province Town. Are you ready to make the million dollar pick? While you ponder over the winning answer, let me give you a visual and verbal tour of this dream destination.

 

Visitors come to this city for a variety of reasons, filled with desires, dreams, and some come filled with curiosity to get under the skin of the city and in the sheets of people. Don't be scared yet! This beautiful ocean town with coastline on either side makes you wonder if this land was created by nature for the GLBTQ community. But way before these guys arrived the Pilgrims got here in the 17th century and A tall tower (a phallic symbol?) commemorating their landing at the centre of the city is visible from miles away. 

This coastline is home to huge mammals and humans. Did I say bears? :) This city doesn't distinguish or discriminate based on gender, race or sexual preference and gives everyone a space to share and care. When nature welcomes can there be an opportunity for discrimination?

Be it summer or winter this town hosts events and weeks to celebrate our likes and preferences: lesbian week, bear week, gay week, leather week, etc. And it also inspires straight people afraid of homosexuality to shed their prejudices and inhibitions and pick-up cupid's arrow to spread the message of love and peaceful coexistence. 

The Disneyland for LGBTQ

If you are from the LGBTQ community you don't have to be worried or threatened about letting your hair down or just being your silly and happy self. You can French kiss in the middle of the street, hold hands your partner hands, feel his/her ass in public, dress up in fancy costumes and express your libido, sexuality and creativity. Though same sex marriage is now legal in all 50 states in the U.S. this kind of freedom and independence to openly demonstrate ones love and affection in public is yet to spread across the nation. 

Many of the businesses in town are both owned and served by LGBTQ community and when you are addressed as honey, sweet heart, darling, etc. you feel inclusive, welcomed and loved. The stores here also offer a great variety of clothing to pick and choose from and sales are held during carnival time (usually third weekend in August) makes you look pretty without damaging your wallet. You will find some the best clothes and costumes to disarm the homophobic society of their prejudice. So, why spend your pink dollars elsewhere?

Beaches, Islands and Cuisine

You can swim in the waters of Atlantic and also catch the warm August sun to sport a gregous tan. A bicycle ride to the nude beaches: Long Point and Herring Cove offers a good cardio work out, while giving some an opportunity to show off their great bodies making many hearts skip a beat.

If you are in a mood to explore the ocean and its marine life then get on a trip to see the three exotic species: Minke, Humpback, and Fin whales that can turn you both into an ambassador for conservation and admirer of marine life for eternity. And, If you want to explore the nearby islands to south of the town, a quick ferry ride will make your feel Christopher Columbus. 

The exploration of the ocean and the islands may take you on a salivation trip with its fresh oysters, scallops, muscles, calamaris, clams, and cod fish (fruits de mer). And if you like them in a certain way then there are cuisines from around the world (Caribbean, Indian, Asian, etc.) that tingle your taste buds and make them taste even more exotic with their species and culinary techniques. For health freaks and weight-watchers there are also juice and smoothie bars to make you feel refreshed and fabulous. 

Clubs and Cubs 

Every culture has its Bollywood equivalent: from plays to musical shows to bars this town is self contained. Clubs like Shipwreck, Waves, Crown and A House offer peppy music and spacious dance floors, while piano bars and karaoke clubs provide a platform to showcase musical talents thereby extending your happiness until the wee hours of the morning. 

There is so much love in air that it can leave you intoxicated quickly. Don't be surprised if you hear a passerby asking you and your partner to take a room rather than making out in quiet and dark alleys or car parks. Leather and Macho bars also provide good venues for intoxication and naughtiness. For Cubs in search of Bears, dick dock (below the main deck at Boatslip) offers a play ground to get wild and wet at late night. Where you do it, always remember to play safe. 

The Best Show in town

The best show in the town is free and comes alive on the Carnival day every year. Curious visitors and public start to book their vantage spots on the side walk on Commercial Street since morning, while participants book their hotel rooms a year in advance to be bring color and creativity to the carnival. 

At the end of year carnival the next theme for the next year's carnival is announced. If the 2014 carnival brought alive Superheros like Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, etc. to life the 2015 rained candies turning the place into a candy land. A lot of effort and imagination goes into planning and preparing costumes which has the magical power to cure the straight world of their prejudices and inspire the queers to be proud of their innate gift. 

The D-day

The 2-hour parade that begins at around at 3pm from eastern end of the city traverses through Commercial Street before terminating at the western end. Like every parade, there is plenty of music, distribution of freebies, and thoughtful product placements and advertising and marketing. And surprisingly some who come to watch the parade also get inspired and sport costumes, dress up their pets adding more color and energy to the carnival thereby spreading the message of love and togetherness.

The parade culminates at Boatslip Resort where all participants meet, mingle, and network expressing their camaraderie. For those who still have energy to expend, can go to dance floor at Boatslip (referred to Tea Dance) and shake their muscles and bones to tunes. 

By the next morning the streets littered with candies, confetti and pamphlets from the carnival are cleaned up and normalcy returns to the town. Friends who came together for the carnival make a pact to return the following year before dispersing their way. New lovers who came together at the carnival from different cities depart with heavy heart and fond memories, and the lustful ones go in search of newer venues. 

So, did you figure out the million dollar answer yet? 

Pilgrimage: A Cure for Ignorance

Take a pilgrimage to Provincetown and experience the cape and its colorful carnival and get cured of your ignorance. For many in the LGBTQ community this experience feels like a second birth. It cures them of their fears and phobias and leaves them invigorated. But, what about the straight ones and their children? The carnival and the town can cure them of their homophobia and also educate and sensitize their children to same sex love to end discrimination and create an inclusive world. 

Only if you make it to the carnival and P-Town you will realize what the world would look like without LGBTQ community: colorless, pale, unidimensional, listless, and devoid of beauty. Make a resolve to come to Provincetown, enjoy the carnival, make new friends, feel like a million dollar, and spread the positive energy to create many more such inclusive towns, societies and carnivals around the world.

Setting them free

A week ago a bird lover told me that birds in captivity find it stressful and hardly survive when released in the wild. Since I had no knowledge of birds and their behavior, I thought it was a fiction more than a fact. And during the same week, Times of India published a shocking story about 700 abandoned puppies and kittens in the last 2 months. Many of these animals that grew up in protected environment find it difficult to survive in the wild. These abandoned pets are attacked by strays and find it an uphill task to again start trusting human companion. And now I understood why he didn’t want to empty his aviary, despite my suggestion to set the birds free.

Longing hope and burning desire

Refugees like Clemantine Wamariya, who escaped the Rawanda massacre are separated from their families for eternity. Though she began a new life in the US, but there was a longing hope and burning desire to see her family. You can read in the article to learn how she tried to communicate with her mother to let her know that she was alive. Clementine’s behavior and emotions are similar to those that of estranged couples and partners: a strong desire to unite, and longing to communicate their existence and deep curiosity to find out about each other’s well-being. But is there a flip side to reunion?

The happy ending

There was a great excitement and emotions ran high show when Clemantine was reunited with her family on the Oprah Winfrey. This is how many of us feel when we see our ex’s. And after a few days Clemantine realized that the excitement vanished and they had nothing much to share and that their lives were separate and very different. Her family went back to their life in Africa, and Clemantine returned to her life and continued to enjoy the warmth and care of her guardian, Mrs. Thomas.

X-files

Strangely, after a gap of a few years my ex got in touch with me over an email. London may be just a three hour train ride from Paris, but we had moved many manmiles both emotionally and physically over the years. I was reminded of the painful telephone call he made in 2005 letting me know that he was moving to another city. On his recent email when asked me for my mobile number and invited me to visit him, and that’s when I started to grow wary.

I was curious to know why he is trying to get in touch with me and the real intent behind this invite. I was reminded of 2007 June, when he called me in the morning while stationed in Seattle on a project to let me know that he was breaking-up with me and that he was already in another relationship. After that call, my mobile remained switched off for months until I could get back myself together.

Today, the concerned Indian in me wondered if everything was okay with his parents, and if he finally had adopted a kid to make the wonderful home and beautiful marriage complete. I responded to his email without asking too many personal questions or sharing too many details about me.

And finally, when he shared that he had separated from his partner last summer and they will soon be going through divorce proceedings. I was in a state of disbelief and I re-read the email a few times to let his words sink in, but I was also tempted to ask who gets to keep their cat?

Do reunion experiments work?

There is a great sense of achievement when we humans fall in love with feathered and faithful creatures under the pretext of giving them a good life. But then many of us ruthlessly dump them in garbage cans and abandon them in alleys. Sadly, there is a hope for reunion and we know how that ends.

Should we try and capture the birds we set free? Does the pain of separation and abandonment linger longer in humans more than in animals? I don’t know, but we all get scarred for life. A few hours later my ex made a proposal to visit me in Paris, and I was reminded of Oprah’s failed social experiment to cement Clemantine and her separated family together. There is definitely a life beyond reunion and happy ending.

Ouvert Relationship!

In my last blog I rambled about how contexts can define sexual encounters and gave you a quick preview of welcome, workplace and break-up sex. While I was looking to continue on this topic, one of my friends asked me my thoughts on those who are trying to open up their relationships together or separately for more fun. Interesting, huh?

Men and menu are inseperable. Most gay men have half-dozen hook-up apps that offer them men(u) to satiate their cravings and fetish. Grindr is pretty much young and snobbish; Scruff is relegated to those interested in fuzz and there is good age spread, and Bear brings up mostly older men and caters to those interested in wild animals or who wish to explore wild side of human animals. So that is your 101 on the three apps that you can see on my mobile.

Men do these app-hops looking for a quick pit-stop when their partners are away or look for a buffet for two. Sometimes, it is safe to play with these people as you know that they are emotionally engaged elsewhere and not available for you. But then sometimes, when I found my hook-ups too clinging, I’ve slipped in my fetish for a ménage a trio just to free myself from their chains, and it has worked in my favor and ended the clinging.

Buffet for two

Eating at a buffet is an art. As a customer you must know what to expect, build your appetite, and sometimes you even must know how to spice it up or order differently to satisfy the palette of your partner.

Two years ago, one of the partners wrote me a message on Bear and what made me accept his proposal was his openness and honesty. He was shopping for a new experience to enjoy with his partner for V-Day and I happen to be the gift his blindfolded partner chose on the app. There was no reason for me to turn the offer down, since both were good looking, well endowed and were also into safe play. What made it even more interesting for me was to be appealing to the partner who never saw me. Yes, he was expecting to open a surprise gift. There is no problem as long as Infidelity is a level playing field and both partners understand that it is about mutual satisfaction. During the meal both of them ensured mutual fulfillment and sometimes directed me to serve the other person. And when I offered them a finger-bowl in the end, the couple convinced me to join them for a candle light dinner that night. A waiter gets tipped at a buffet? Well mannered guests, may be well satisfied too!

People don’t visit buffets until it is a steal deal or they are famished. And they may never come back for months, but sometimes they could always make a recommendation.

Dine alone

If drinking alone is sad, what would you call eating alone? Fun! Remember catching your dad sneaking behind your mom and rummaging through the refrigerator late at night? Every other proposal that I’ve receive in Paris is about finding some extra fun behind partner’s back. You would know this when they said they are available only on weekdays, until 7 pm or between 12 noon and 2pm on weekends or cannot host. Everything is transactional like prostitution and many of them refrain from sharing their coordinates and don’t want to be invited for cocktails, even if it on the house.

Among them, Marc is bold and different, but he still prefers no love-bites. After his four day sales trip, Marc stops by my apart from a quickie and demands a milk moustache every time. Not sure how he manages to build up his libido during the 30 min ride back home, but he arrives and leaves guilt-free like the fathers who make midnight trips to the refrigerator.

And when I confronted Marc with a few questions: does he play behind your back and why don’t you play together? Marc was honest and he replied that they prefer to play separately and he chooses not to know who his partner plays with and that there is a gentlemen’s agreement in place. Nevertheless, I have strict orders from Marc not to message him. Though Marc liked me a lot, he told me that he would never want to leave his partner. Though people visit restaurants, it doesn't mean that they hate home cooked meals.

Next time when you app-hop and when come across profiles with status messages that swear “open relationship”, don’t forget to ask them if it is a buffet for two or dine alone? And ask them to ring the bell and recommend if they are satisfied. Importantly, don't be offended if people claim to be single, but are paired up in reality. Customer satisfaction is our motto!

Contextual Sex ( Part 1)

Remember the first time you shagged alone or with a friend? The self and/or mutual discovery of pleasure loaded your hypothalamus with serotonin and your blood stream with endorphins. For some who were indoctrinated by elders and peers against mastrubation and/or sex wiggled in guilt post the act that limited the half life of their endorphins and serotonin. One must accept that at some point in our lives sex becomes mechanical and loses novelty; it often needs a context to make it interesting and appealing and also retain the excitement we all had during the discovery phase in our adolescence. From my personal experiences let me share five contextual sex that has helped me find pleasure.

Let's begin with Charity sex: Charity is often associated with spirituality and comes with tax exemption. Not sure if you will get any spiritual miles credited for this kind of sex, but the act of gifting someone an orgasm doubles your joy (endorphins and serotonins). The excitement and associated reward mechanism in the human brain and blood stream is the same irrespective of you whether you share some pocket change or give them a memorable sex. Sex is the oldest form of currency. Sometimes when I visit a park or a sauna and if I am in a benevolent mood I try and look for men who are old, dark complexioned, fat, bald, minority race, etc.) who are often ignored because of prejudices and preferences of the young. It gives me more pleasure to be relished by a man who not sought after and I have often seen his passion double up during the act of copulation.

How can you forget power-sex? My earliest blogs was on this topic and it gave me so much more excitement when I first slept with my professor in college. I fantasized a few of my teachers in school and I finally conquered a few in my college. I could in no way compete with him on intellectual front, but I could conquer his sexual side with my virility, servitude and seduction. It was always nice to be called into his room and sneak under his table for some snack or be spanked in private. Yes, I went beyond the books and I saw and I knew more than my fellow classmates. And every time I conquered, I felt I topped the class and graduated with a honors degree. 

Welcome sex: I have received emails, phone class and text messages asking me if I could meet their gay friends traveling to my city, show him around the city and make them feel at home. First few times I didn't have any idea that such requests were often loaded and one must be open to read more between the lines and legs. Anyone who travels into a city is anxious, curious, and also wants to take home some beautiful memories. Welcome sex is an opportunity to put your city high on their list of memorable sex in your city. It is also an opportunity to showcase your hospitality and make them feel special. So, are you ready to welcum them in your monu(men)tal city?

Workplace sex: We've often heard of stress at work and work place bully, yes, work is rarely fun. How can one get a quick relief from a stressful day, demanding deadlines and demeaning boss? Sex at workplace with colleagues could be a nice option. Last time I turned on the social hook-up app (I'm not publicizing them here) I found a few colleagues in my office. Over a few hours and days we exchanged pictures, preferences and fetishes and I could get behind the closed stalls in the toilet for a quick relief. The adrenaline rush of making out in a 5x3 public stall or back seat of my car in a parking lot gave us more pleasure and challenge - when the risk is high the reward is more! Like resting rooms, crèche for children and pets, to recreation rooms, mutually consensual sex booths should be made a perk at workplace. Sex keeps you healthy, happy and stress-free.

Break-up sex: This is very much an antonym of Charity sex. Before we make the currency of sex null and void we always want one last time to sexplore with a friend with benefits or longterm partner. We want to convince ourselves that we can find something better, emotionally and physically climb over the person. Break-up sex is the last analysis before you decide if you should break-up or go with a retainer until you find your next Plan A. Like how we create back-ups at work for business as usual, I create back-ups and Plan Bs.  The trick is to keep this a secret so that the other person doesn't end up breaking down in the bed.

While I work on Part 2 of this blog, try out some of these if you haven't already. Good luck!