A walk to remember

To the woman who made me feel like a man,

The walk to her room was beautiful and every inch of space as punctuated with trees and shrubs, and it was difficult to get a glimpse of the sky. She opened the doors of her room, left the key in the lock hanging from the padlock and invited me to visit the pond besides her room. It was a beautiful evening and the sun was just setting and I could hear songs of the homecoming birds. Nature was rejoicing!

I never knew karma could be resolved online. A year ago, she was in Germany and she had stumbled upon my blog, thanks to Google search. She left a few interesting comments on my blog and though she was busy finishing up her publication work over the next few weeks she kept coming back. I was kind of curious to know who someone in Germany was reading my blogs and I was happy to see those little notes she sent across.

We set our foot in the direction of the pond and we stepped on a carpet of dried leaves and twigs. The ground looked like autumn while the temperature was summer like. With every step I heard the little cracker go under our feet. I have done so many walks in my life, but this one seemed so special.

Over the last year we exchanged some emails and finally when comfort and trust arrived she suggested that we do a voice and webcam chat. She was curious to see the man behind the scribe. One fine day we decided to do a cam and voice chat. I have spoken to men online, I have done a camera chats too, but never with a woman. I was shy, reserved, felt like a fish out of pond throughout the conversation.

I looked at the pond, looked inside the pond and finally let me eyes walk around the pond. I surveyed the perimeter and stood on one of the side, but could never get to see my reflection through the dense green vegetation. I wanted us to sit there and cherish the moment looking at the pond together and feel the power of unspoken words. Our karma lines crossed and my heart was celebrating.

She arrived in India late last year, we spoke on the phone a few times, but I couldn’t go to her place in Kerala to meet her. She was clear that would not go well in her house. The only other plan to meet her was during one of her trips to Chennai.

I didn’t spend much time that evening looking through my closet to choose my trouser and tee for the evening. I didn’t bother wearing an expensive perfume. I have never been out with a woman, never met one for coffee, never got the door for her, and never been invited to her den. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, following the right manners. I decided to keep it cool, casual and lose.

I wanted to sit by the pond and freeze the moment of togetherness that had finally arrived, but I was not sure how this would be construed, I held back my desire while I kept my foot forward. I felt special, I felt like a teenager and there was something indescribable in air. Definitely I knew it was not the coffee or the extra spoon of sugar that went in the coffee.

It was a typically village house with tiled roof, teak reapers running on the slanted ceiling. Everything from floor, to wall to ceiling was so simple. Walls were white and blank and there were no paintings, the only painting was the evening sunset. She pointed out that the evening sun pierced through the netted windows and brilliantly lit up the room, but today the sun was down by then. I registered her commentary on the sunset and looked up at the white ceiling. A sheet of polyethylene was running between the reapers and tiles. I have never seen this kind of ceiling before. May be it kept insects, squirrels and even snakes from seeking refuge in the roof. She gave me a quick tour of the house before we settled into the chairs in the living room. It was impossible to find such a house in the city. It was my dream house.

The chair was comfortable and so was the conversation. We talked about life, we discussed our philosophy, and our friends also joined the conversation. I didn’t plan to take so many to her small home that evening.

At an opportune moment she offered me a choice between a glass of water versus black tea. Water was the best option for the mouth that kept yakking all evening. I remember sharing my unending stories and unredeemed mileage with men. She was fine, and never sneered. And sometime back she even offered to join me in journey of life without any physical commitment. Now she offered me crumbs from the “Mysore Pak” she made, it was delicious. I have seen the sky, but never seen it in a woman’s heart. My respect for her and for women moved up a few notches.

Should I call this a date? Does good conversation and exchange of information over a cup of coffee qualify for a date? There was no overpowering testosterone in the air. There was no carnal intent. I felt a sudden surge in energy and I froze the moment and imagined what it would to be a straight man and fall in love with a women. When I grew up I missed capturing the emotions and feelings during puppy love, but now I felt I was back again at the same point. I captured the feeling in the remote corner of my heart.

Suddenly life seemed so basic, simple, safe, secure and full of promises. The struggle that I seemed to have with my sexuality vanished and my multiple identity dissipated.

Was it the setting or was it my friend who accepted me for who I am made the evening and/ the meeting memorable? Was there expectation in us? Was it just friendship between us? I knew I would have never been able to do this if I had gone there with expectations. I didn’t want to ask, didn’t want to clarify, and I wanted to enjoy the moment. It was my first date with a woman and I wanted that to be etched that way in my history of life. Hope she will allow me to do so.

Yours faithful chick magnet!

February Fragrance

When this son of Venus and Mercury arrives there is excitement in air, the evening breeze loaded with romance, slick poetry in the tip of the tongue, arms that extend thorn-less rose stems across miles, and beating hearts on their sleeves. Even saints were not spared! Well it is February and what do you expect other than romance, courtship and excitement? But why just 28 days? You figure it out!

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love said Albert Einstein. Art, music and other “common interest” made their paths cross, and Krish had known Vinay to the last alphabet and his position bed. That was customer service beyond Hyatt and Marriott. They were much more and complete than the couple in the Wills hoarding and it seemed like there were “Made for each other”. What does that “e” do in made?

Oh wait…did I hear February also means summer in Southern hemisphere? So, what is summer without the bonfire?

Krish and Vinay had known each other for over 3 years and their explored intimacy was only recent. But nevertheless his majesty gave away pearl necklaces on the weekends (gift of endearment) and bedtime stories were painted, washed and new ones re-painted on the sheets. February does its magic on everyone from Saint to mortals.

One day Vinay’s friend Veena noticed the announcement on Krish’s Facebook and called Vinay to confirm and congratulate. But a minute into the conversation Vinay logs into Facebook and discovers his future. Frozen in shock or excitement? He catches Krish on the chat. Krish confirmed his engagement to a girl and the screen went blank, numb and dead.

And what do you do when the bonfire turns into a brushfire? Should Vinay call for help? Should Veena spill the bean that it was her cousin who got engaged to Krish?

Was it walk the talk with Vinay or walk the aisle with the bride that mom chose? Some men never grow up and can never make the right choice. Vinay always knew he was a cat on the wall but still entertained and intertwined with him and now it was en”tearment”.

No call, no communication of any sort, he abruptly vanished from Vinay’s life like a Kangaroo in the outback. How does it feel when loyalty and love is betrayed? But what about their loyalty to themselves, to their own deepest desires? Veena knew her cousin was getting married to Krish and Vinay never received an invite for wedding, and neither of them could do much about it.
Both life and love has many reasons and seasons and sometimes it unfolds with a surprise to many in courtships and out of courtships.

Can a wedding invite really push down the thinking spiral? Huh… a thinking spiral? Remember the antonym for spiral is straight so should I now rephrase it as a straight spiral or just leave it as spiral? A spiral is a spiral is a spiral! But spirals seem so exciting and churn in the stomach is so intense when left under gravity, isn’t it?

Sidharth and I shared the bench in school, and over the years of growing up we shared just more than the bench. The benchmark!

He is the only friend from high school that I am in touch with. He could be in the middle of the ocean, but never failed to wish me on my birthday for the past 20 years. That intimacy we shared during our schooldays ended with our schooldays, but this gesture made me hold on to our friendship close to my heart. I never had an answer as why he remembered my birthday and didn’t fail to call me every year. Though it sounds like a nice gesture sometimes it feels spooky that someone is keeping count of your age.

We have made out so many times in the school terrace, during the class, and many times at my terrace at home. But as life plays, we went to different colleges and specialized in different streams and took up different professions. I was grounded while he sailed boats and oceans.
Are we hiding our bows and quiver of arrows? And why? Every time he comes into the town he calls me and we make plans for a casual meet, but then it never happens. We discuss about life, work, our families over the phone, but we never spoke about schooldays. This was like driving a bike with no rearview mirror. Absolutely no opportunity for reminiscence!

I probably felt he was exploring as a part of the growing up and coming to age process and there was nothing more deep or inveterate. Every time he called he would curiously ask me if I am single and why am I still single? Since I was not able to gauge his orientation or preference I never gave a definitive answer. Our friendship existed even in uncertainty.

And this time again when he was in town he called me but there was a tone of sadness in his voice. He asked me how I am able to put up with parental and societal pressure and continue to stay single. But he insisted that always saw him single and never even thought of marriage. This made me “queer”ious, but I had nothing more than the past to extrapolate.

I wanted to meet and share my story with a friend who has made it a point to call me for every birthday since we left school. I definitely didn’t want any secrets between us, but at the same time I didn’t want our friendship to be washed by the oceans to a no-man’s-land. Dichotomy and my secrets were killing me. Isn’t walking around the fire much safer than walking in the fire or into the fire, right?

Wearing a plastic smile, carrying my gift of memories from our school days, I could never muster courage to attend his wedding and queuing up to shake hands with him and his wife and tell her that I know his "tool from school".

A few weeks later an unfamiliar number but a familiar voice reached me and it was Sidharth. There was no trace of sadness or compulsion that was there in his earlier call, and he was levitating in happiness over his “engagement”. He delivered the news about his marriage in March and promised to come over to my place to invite my parents. Isn’t sham is one letter short of shame?

Will Krish and Sidharth stay in the marriages happy or will they visit the “Gayville” at night? Everything seems transient and no answer in the horizon.

I never knew the real him and he never knew the real me, but I guess that is how many straight relationships and marriages are today. I could never figure out who is gay and how long the person remains gay? I am not even sure if we have people committed to their “gayhood” if not to their men/women.

Unreclaimed and unrequited such is life, love and friendship. The fragrance of February and friendship ended in a mélange of madness and marriage. How many more Februarys’ and how many more such Ks and Ss? Did I say or sound cases? Huh!

I am single and fabulous and for the rest who are single out there remember Robert Browning - Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.