The first thirty days...

Sharing a life together and associated responsibilities can make living easier and happier, if only both parties enjoy it. It has been 30 days since our separation, and I ask myself two questions: Am I enjoying? and what am I missing?

The meanest on earth

Today as I trudge back to an empty house and there is radio silence, but it does not make me uncomfortable, and I do not feel like an unwanted person in the house. I neither shop for stuff that I cannot eat nor share instructions on how to soak and wash fruits and vegetables to get rid of pesticides.

Moreover, I do not have to be vigilant about vegetarian cooking utensils being used for cooking meat and have to inspect washed vessels food remains, which has earned me the title “The meanest person on earth.” These days I listen to more chants, classical music and talk shows while cooking and go easy on spice and salt.

I am only responsible for myself

While living alone comes with responsibilities, I do not have to play the head of housekeeping and assign responsibilities to keep the floors, toilets and basins clean. Today, I am my own staff and I keep an eye on the laundry basket to plan washing loads, drop off clothes for ironing and ensure bed sheets are sheets are clean and house smells good.

Decision making is easier!

In a city where traffic can hold us hostages on the roads for hours, I do not have to synchronize our work calendars to get to office and back home. I can choose to skip gym, go for a movie, catch up with a colleague, plan my weekends and socialize with anyone I want and invite people home for a meal without consultation or convincing.

It is hard

While same letters are in the words partner and parent and I do not play either of the roles anymore. Both responsibilities are hard, and we end up feeling lonely as an orphan when we relinquish them.

I am enjoying my 8 hours of peaceful sleep as the room does not get direct sunlight, but I miss woken up by his snore and nightmares. While there was limited room in the bed then, it made me feel safer. Today, the bed is half empty, and I use it to rest my thoughts and memories of us. I fall asleep trying to answer the two questions – how did this happen and why did he leave me?

I am not missing those hugs he never gave me while he sat behind me on the bike, but I miss those hugs he gave me when I was unwell. I miss those conversations we have had when life threw curve balls at us and the plan B’s we hatched together.

I miss the joy of cooking his favorite dishes and tasting his baking experiments. With year-end around the corner, I miss planning our vacations and getaways. I miss those arguments we have had no politics, cinema, religion, cuisine, etc.

Sometimes anger and money loses its value. I can no longer buy him gifts or take him out for meals; and cannot get angry at him for being delinquent on home chores.

Steve Jobs once said: "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

Someday I hope to find answers as to why we meet people, how we turn a stranger into the meaning of our life, and how parting ways turns them into a stranger again and making life into a riddle. 

It is hard to love and lose and it is harder to live and not love.

A playbook to an amicable breakup!

The last time I thought a relationship was when I boarded the train with my belongings to Bangalore in 2018 to start a live-in relationship. I turned cold feet the night before and I had to do a self-talk to make me feel confident. I convinced myself that the probability of failure was 50% and if things didn’t work out, I’ll pack my bags and get back to my base.

Only when I stumbled upon this article/questionnaire from The Guardian on September 24th, I realized how amicable our separation had been, at least for me. Our 6 year relationship came to an end after a 2.5 month living together under the same roof post our decision to separate. While it may be easier to find a rebound relationship, it is hard to find the next roof where you can find your happiness and rebuild your life. I needed time to find a place which can accelerate my healing. Every breakup is as much hard as hard work, and it needs patience, clarity and maturity to ensure either of you move on without much drama. 

What did we do to make it amicable? 

As soon as we decided to break up, we started sleeping in different bedrooms, doing activities on our own, commuting to work and gym separately, socializing with different groups of friends, cooking our individual meals, buying our grocery, doing solo trips and weekend getaways.

I didn’t realize it would be his last birthday under the roof. As usual I got him a cake, and a meal for his birthday. I even bought him one last gift...a custom-made t shirt that said, "More trees less assholes".

I didn't want either of us to part ways with regrets or guilt, unresolved feelings and carry our baggage into the next one. So, I provided an opportunity for him to be heard, feel light and emotionally enabled him to move on without any baggage or guilt. I forced him to vent out his feelings, and unburden him pent up anger, frustration, and complaints about me. I didn't hesitate to say sorry and thank you before we said it was over. And that night and for the last time I slept next to him holding hands, hugging each other, and letting him wrap his legs around me. What we didn't have was goodbye sex, but to help him move on he invited a stranger at 3 am for a hook up the weekend I wasn't home. 

Friends and family can be a glue that keeps couples together. So, I informed a few of our common friends and my family that we are parting ways. While friends reacted with the standard phrase, I'm sorry...but my mother was the only one who asked if she could speak to him. It was late for anyone to intervene...and neither of us had the will to stay together. 

It was my birthday two days prior to my move; he chose not to wish me, and we spent very less time together. The morning after wasn't awkward, we sat together for 10 minutes to review and settle shared utility bills.

What made our separation easier? 

Straight marriages and relationships bicker over money, alimony and child support. While there were no children here, I kept our finances separate and accounted till the last penny. We didn’t hold a joint bank account, buy property together or have either of us on your living will. While I had him on my work medical insurance, he had his own and there was no dependency. 

When we decided to live together, I did my fair contribution in purchasing essential home appliances such as microwave, a bigger refrigerator, recliner, and he got a bigger television set. And these buys were tied to our anniversary milestone. While those that I bought came with me, there were a few items we bought together, and we let each other pick the ones we wanted to keep.

What was difficult to divide, or split were friends. Some stayed with me, some stayed with him, and some didn’t want to take either side. Fair enough, and I was prepared to start new friendships. And to my surprise the new ones offered help to unpack, shop, and clean up from the last party.  

The moving out day can be emotional for all of us. 5.5 years ago, I packed his bags and drove in a truck to our new house and today I was doing it myself. While I felt anxious the night before, thinking about the freedom and new life got me excited. He spent the weekend at his friends, so he didn't have deal with my move out and ensured my freedom. As a return for his kindness, I ensured he came to the house that was clean, spotless and without my belongings, but I couldn't guarantee the house devoid of memories.

Some people may have felt we had a perfect gay relationship recipe for success and were living their dream life and through this blog I sharing a decent playbook for ending it amicably.

While we may have been mean assholes in the relationship, but we ought to be kind and decent at least in the end. Live and let live!