Just like we all come in different shapes and sizes, we also come with a variety of emotional, physical and psychological needs. May be that earned us the “queer” title? Sometimes we discuss and understand each other’s need before we jump into the bed, while many at times we discover each other’s kinks and fetishes in bed only to feel exorcised more than exercised. Here is an experience that created a little storm in me.
Sex as a noun sounds plain vanilla, while its usage as transitive verb sounds hormonal, recreational and exciting. I am sure you will not contest this statement of mine. I looked at his picture a dozen times and we also did the size talk before I decided to take him up on his invitation to sex. And finally when I rang the door bell, little did I know his lurking fetish for unparlimentary language behind the unopened door. I checked out the face and statistics to ensure it matched with the text and picture he shared and when it did, I started mileage counter with a kiss. Every step we made towards the bedroom there was a piece of clothing one of us shed. And by the time we made it to bedroom the house was strewn with clothes that couldn’t contain our lust.
Since we had sexted our preferences before I arrived, I didn’t have to do much courting. And when I was cajoling him to get into the perfect yoga pose, the downward dog, he turned around and asked me to abuse him in my native language. We had never discussed this before and now I was confounded with a challenging tasks and shooting from my hip and lip at the same time. For me anger and verbal abuse went together and not sex and verbal abuse.
I have abused men who ran into my car, who jumped queues, who honked from behind, but this was the first time I was asked to abuse during a sexual act. His fetish was unfathomable, but given his cute bubble butt how could I not make an effort. Without knowing what I was getting into I decided to offer him my choice of words in a few languages, while he offered me the rubber and lube menu.
I ripped open the plastic sachet and with pride dressed up my little man in a ribbed rubber suit smeared with strawberry flavored lube, but every time I tried to utter an expletive my mind turned blank, my tongue froze and my drippy hard went into the downward dog pose and failed to penetrate his tight ass.
How do I tell him that I don’t have a performance issue? How do I tell him that my body doesn’t secrete endorphins and testosterone while abusing his mother, his birth and talking ill about his sister? I had no idea how a man could be turned on hearing volley of abuses. I confessed that I am not good at this game and cajole him to give me another chance. This time I bargained to get inside him and then start the abuse.
I got him out of the downward doggie pose and with mutual effort and focus we got my boneless muscle back to the horizontal position. I realized the extra skill and effort one needed to turn a noun into a transitive verb and risks of turning it verbal.
Pictures and descriptions on gay men profiles have no forbearance to their behavior and most often what they share is their wannabe self rather than the real self. Irrespective of how you engage with gay men, horizontally or vertically, there can always be surprises. May be should we run a disclaimer like what those on the rear view mirror?
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The Famous Five
People who we met, both offline and online, turn the act of consummation or one time fuck into an act of examination with barrage of questions. I marvel the depth of questions, their intent, and often wonder if this was a mind fuck before the real fuck? But sometimes, we all want to play along and give them responses that would make them feel accomplished, intelligent and powerful.
I shared the five questions we commonly ask men with Gayla, our gay relationship expert and sexpert, and requested her to share her sharp and titty and witty responses.
Q: How is the gay scene, given the fact that your city is small?
A: Honey, now I know you are a size queen. I haven’t comes across any study that correlates the size city to its gay scene. Mumbai doesn’t make gays sane and sorted and Nagpur doesn’t make gay men closeted and complicated. Irrespective of the place, country and society, gay men are the same world over. They are confused, yet claim they are sane and sorted, being married to a woman they lie they are single, they cheat on their boy friend by claiming they are in an open relationship, and it means they are looking for sex when they say they are looking for friendship. So sex, lies, drama are a standard menu in the gay world. Remember, the size of the city and size of the phallus has no correlation with satisfaction. So move on the next question. Intelligent one, please!
Q: What are you interests in bed?
A: Next to hobbies, this is the most direct and interesting question someone has ever asked me. And isn’t that the reason why we are talking? I only wish you are as intelligent and interesting as this question. If you need takers, turn into an aggressive bottom or a versatile top with interesting but not a parasite (read as bed bug).
Most men who claim to be Tops are predictable and not delectable. They are sexually inept and their high school hand jobs are awful, and sadly know nothing beyond shoving the hole. Most Bottoms in town are submissive and are ready for sodomy at the drop of the trouser and lay down in the bed like an Egyptian mummy. In between the predictable Tops and the submissive Bottoms are the other kinds that can offer you costumes fetish, golden showers, poppers, etc, and their variety is certain to send your hormones out of your body. So be the in-between and make men wise and teach them new vice, kinks and fetish, but under the blanket of mutual respect and on the pillow of reciprocation. Contact this blogger for more tips.
Q: Are you married or single?
A: You have to kiss a thousand frogs before you kiss the Prince or Princess. Even the Royal family doesn’t give a fuck when it comes to sex and relationship. Diana had her way with Dodi Al-Fayed while she was still a Princess and married to Charles. And Charles was riding Camilla Parker Bowles on the pre-text of riding the horse. We all know that mortality is high when it comes to morality and relationship have been tagged with “Its complicated” labels long before Facebook arrived.
So, if you are looking for a fuck and a fling, this question shouldn’t matter. If you are trying to make the other person feel guilty by asking my marital or relationship status, understand, it doesn’t get you far. Don’t be a Shobha De and search for a partner where your kids and his kids can play together with your kids. Btw, didn’t you read the title of this blog? The blogger claims to be single and fabulous! Check him out.
Q: What do you do for a living? Where do you work?
A: My profession may not sound as interesting as me, but I understand some people have fetish for men in uniforms like Doctors, Sailors, Scientists, Firemen, Police, Truck drivers, Actors, etc. The first part of the question is very much answerable and can make you feel powerful, excited and push you to engage in power sex. While the second part of the question is like leaving my name and number in the toilet at my work place. In the past, when I disclosed my work place, I have had people drop names of my colleagues who’ve dropped their pants for them. This information is as both invasion of privacy and very scandalous. I know information is power, but I never entertain and enterstain Julian Assanges and Sherlock Holmes of the gay world.
Q: Are you out or closeted?
A: I strongly believe closets are for cowards to hide their fears, smelly secrets, old clothes and torn shoes. But that doesn’t give you freedom to drag your pets to do the pride walk with you. But I definitely don’t advice you to take home fuck buddies and introduced them to your folks. Since folks never did their “sex talk or sex education” with me and don’t traumatize them with unnecessary details on who you do and what you do with them.
Remember, sex is a primal need and be comfortable with your sexuality and also every comfortable others being aware of it, though it is none of their business. And if people are not aware of it, believe their ignorance is bliss. Instead of worrying about people living in their closets, be Carrie Bradshaw and use your closets to increase your sex quotient or be Samantha and use their closets have sex, but don’t be Charlotte and snoop around for their skeletons.
Advice from Gayla: Ask intelligent questions that will bring about physiochemicobiological changes in the body of your men. And remember to love kink more than pink and it is easy to score with logic than comic!
PS: Please don’t befriend Gayla on Facebook. She is not willing to assume the role of a shrink or fag hag, instead chase good looking men, men in relationships, and with status messages that says Its Complicated and you may get lucky.
I shared the five questions we commonly ask men with Gayla, our gay relationship expert and sexpert, and requested her to share her sharp and titty and witty responses.
Q: How is the gay scene, given the fact that your city is small?
A: Honey, now I know you are a size queen. I haven’t comes across any study that correlates the size city to its gay scene. Mumbai doesn’t make gays sane and sorted and Nagpur doesn’t make gay men closeted and complicated. Irrespective of the place, country and society, gay men are the same world over. They are confused, yet claim they are sane and sorted, being married to a woman they lie they are single, they cheat on their boy friend by claiming they are in an open relationship, and it means they are looking for sex when they say they are looking for friendship. So sex, lies, drama are a standard menu in the gay world. Remember, the size of the city and size of the phallus has no correlation with satisfaction. So move on the next question. Intelligent one, please!
Q: What are you interests in bed?
A: Next to hobbies, this is the most direct and interesting question someone has ever asked me. And isn’t that the reason why we are talking? I only wish you are as intelligent and interesting as this question. If you need takers, turn into an aggressive bottom or a versatile top with interesting but not a parasite (read as bed bug).
Most men who claim to be Tops are predictable and not delectable. They are sexually inept and their high school hand jobs are awful, and sadly know nothing beyond shoving the hole. Most Bottoms in town are submissive and are ready for sodomy at the drop of the trouser and lay down in the bed like an Egyptian mummy. In between the predictable Tops and the submissive Bottoms are the other kinds that can offer you costumes fetish, golden showers, poppers, etc, and their variety is certain to send your hormones out of your body. So be the in-between and make men wise and teach them new vice, kinks and fetish, but under the blanket of mutual respect and on the pillow of reciprocation. Contact this blogger for more tips.
Q: Are you married or single?
A: You have to kiss a thousand frogs before you kiss the Prince or Princess. Even the Royal family doesn’t give a fuck when it comes to sex and relationship. Diana had her way with Dodi Al-Fayed while she was still a Princess and married to Charles. And Charles was riding Camilla Parker Bowles on the pre-text of riding the horse. We all know that mortality is high when it comes to morality and relationship have been tagged with “Its complicated” labels long before Facebook arrived.
So, if you are looking for a fuck and a fling, this question shouldn’t matter. If you are trying to make the other person feel guilty by asking my marital or relationship status, understand, it doesn’t get you far. Don’t be a Shobha De and search for a partner where your kids and his kids can play together with your kids. Btw, didn’t you read the title of this blog? The blogger claims to be single and fabulous! Check him out.
Q: What do you do for a living? Where do you work?
A: My profession may not sound as interesting as me, but I understand some people have fetish for men in uniforms like Doctors, Sailors, Scientists, Firemen, Police, Truck drivers, Actors, etc. The first part of the question is very much answerable and can make you feel powerful, excited and push you to engage in power sex. While the second part of the question is like leaving my name and number in the toilet at my work place. In the past, when I disclosed my work place, I have had people drop names of my colleagues who’ve dropped their pants for them. This information is as both invasion of privacy and very scandalous. I know information is power, but I never entertain and enterstain Julian Assanges and Sherlock Holmes of the gay world.
Q: Are you out or closeted?
A: I strongly believe closets are for cowards to hide their fears, smelly secrets, old clothes and torn shoes. But that doesn’t give you freedom to drag your pets to do the pride walk with you. But I definitely don’t advice you to take home fuck buddies and introduced them to your folks. Since folks never did their “sex talk or sex education” with me and don’t traumatize them with unnecessary details on who you do and what you do with them.
Remember, sex is a primal need and be comfortable with your sexuality and also every comfortable others being aware of it, though it is none of their business. And if people are not aware of it, believe their ignorance is bliss. Instead of worrying about people living in their closets, be Carrie Bradshaw and use your closets to increase your sex quotient or be Samantha and use their closets have sex, but don’t be Charlotte and snoop around for their skeletons.
Advice from Gayla: Ask intelligent questions that will bring about physiochemicobiological changes in the body of your men. And remember to love kink more than pink and it is easy to score with logic than comic!
PS: Please don’t befriend Gayla on Facebook. She is not willing to assume the role of a shrink or fag hag, instead chase good looking men, men in relationships, and with status messages that says Its Complicated and you may get lucky.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
5 Car(di)nal rules to managing relationships
Headlines claim sane and sorted, profile descriptions say no drama and mind games, screaming post scripts say no pic no response and candid announcements tempts with an offer to trespass the boundaries of engagement for friendship and more for the right one! What a variety in physical, mental and emotional needs that comes with clear constraints and spelt out conditions spelt for the scrolling mouse and twiddling thumbs. Yet people fail to distinguish between the physical need and emotional need and end up relentlessly searching for one in another and waking up to pain from loneliness and disappointments from failure not just the morning after, but every passing morning.
Here are some rules that I follow to establish connections, qualify relationships, set expectations, and manage communications, and call it off.
Rule 1: Understand your needs, if you want to be understood!
Online portals and Smart Apps have made meeting and trading of meat easy, but you have to make our announcements loud and clear for a successful trade. You may be curious seeking test-ride, a married gay man looking to find a fuckbuddy, or traveling bloke looking to understand the local gay scene, whatever be it, state your needs clearly, define your negotiables and non-negotiables and how far you are willing to bend back backwards and bend over for a disappointment-free trade. You set wrong expectations the moment you break your trade rules. Define your needs and together set expectations for a long innings.
Rule 2: Be Samatha and not confused Carrie!
You don’t need friendship to yank out the sausage in his trouser. Friendship is born from patience, perseverance, mutual respect, earned trust and shared interests and values. And gay sex is born out of pure physical need and comes with or without repeat performances, no commitment and no satisfaction guaranteed sticker. Sex at one end of the spectrum sounds very casual and inviting, while friendship on the other end comes with responsibility. Sex can give rise to friendship, but the converse is seldom true. So, let sex be a chalk and friendship remain a cheese. Don’t be afraid to be Samatha and keep them away and separate!
Rule 3: Graduate relationships based on 3 Ps (purpose, performance, perseverance)
I am not a guy who plays the volume game on social networking sites. But I find it ridiculous to add people I meet online or that I meet for a casual fling to my mobile, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Why would I want to remember hook-ups unless they are good? Why do I want to store numbers with a “G” as a pre-fix or suffix in my phonebook? Why would I want to open up my online life to them? Why would I want to respond to their silly good morning, good night and forward text messages?
I find it is too much work to spring clean numbers of my fuckbuddies from mobile, Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk more than cleaning the stained bed sheets. I have a minimum one month wait time to add a number to my phone book, 1 year wait to add them to my gtalk and 3 years to add them to my Facebook. So simplify your life by wisely choosing your connections and communication medium. Get them in the queue and graduate them based on the purpose of the engagement, and their performance and perseverance.
Rule 4: Never mix cocktails with mock tails!
In my first relationship, my boy friend reached out to my colleague, confided in her and in the process outed me to her. In my next relationship, I got a call from my boy friend’s mother asking me to stay away from her son. In one of the gathering my gay friend’s nosey colleague wanted to know if I were gay and if I was seeing him. People are best managed when kept in silos because their tongues can be acerbic and congregation unpredictable. So restrict your colleagues to LinkedIn, friends and acquaintances to emails, close friends to Facebook, and keep family for face to face interactions.
Rule 5: Tell them when it is over!
Every relationship comes with an expiry tag as much as it comes with a role description and responsibility. You may be getting married, or you may have found a permanent fuck buddy or a boy friend, or you are ready to dissolve a friendship for having broken rules of engagement and trust. The key to managing successful relationships is to tell people know where they stand whether they have been upgraded or downgraded on the journey of life. Not everyone travels with us on the journey of life. It is natural and healthy for some to drop-off and for new ones to join us on the journey. So, tell them when it is over, make your good-bye speeches grand and don’t let them assume from your silence.
Don't we all learn about ourselves from others and the relationships we hold? Not sure if it will help you find Mr. Right, but it will definitely let you wake up and walk around with clarity and also not runaway from people.
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