Headlines claim sane and sorted, profile descriptions say no drama and mind games, screaming post scripts say no pic no response and candid announcements tempts with an offer to trespass the boundaries of engagement for friendship and more for the right one! What a variety in physical, mental and emotional needs that comes with clear constraints and spelt out conditions spelt for the scrolling mouse and twiddling thumbs. Yet people fail to distinguish between the physical need and emotional need and end up relentlessly searching for one in another and waking up to pain from loneliness and disappointments from failure not just the morning after, but every passing morning.
Here are some rules that I follow to establish connections, qualify relationships, set expectations, and manage communications, and call it off.
Rule 1: Understand your needs, if you want to be understood!
Online portals and Smart Apps have made meeting and trading of meat easy, but you have to make our announcements loud and clear for a successful trade. You may be curious seeking test-ride, a married gay man looking to find a fuckbuddy, or traveling bloke looking to understand the local gay scene, whatever be it, state your needs clearly, define your negotiables and non-negotiables and how far you are willing to bend back backwards and bend over for a disappointment-free trade. You set wrong expectations the moment you break your trade rules. Define your needs and together set expectations for a long innings.
Rule 2: Be Samatha and not confused Carrie!
You don’t need friendship to yank out the sausage in his trouser. Friendship is born from patience, perseverance, mutual respect, earned trust and shared interests and values. And gay sex is born out of pure physical need and comes with or without repeat performances, no commitment and no satisfaction guaranteed sticker. Sex at one end of the spectrum sounds very casual and inviting, while friendship on the other end comes with responsibility. Sex can give rise to friendship, but the converse is seldom true. So, let sex be a chalk and friendship remain a cheese. Don’t be afraid to be Samatha and keep them away and separate!
Rule 3: Graduate relationships based on 3 Ps (purpose, performance, perseverance)
I am not a guy who plays the volume game on social networking sites. But I find it ridiculous to add people I meet online or that I meet for a casual fling to my mobile, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Why would I want to remember hook-ups unless they are good? Why do I want to store numbers with a “G” as a pre-fix or suffix in my phonebook? Why would I want to open up my online life to them? Why would I want to respond to their silly good morning, good night and forward text messages?
I find it is too much work to spring clean numbers of my fuckbuddies from mobile, Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk more than cleaning the stained bed sheets. I have a minimum one month wait time to add a number to my phone book, 1 year wait to add them to my gtalk and 3 years to add them to my Facebook. So simplify your life by wisely choosing your connections and communication medium. Get them in the queue and graduate them based on the purpose of the engagement, and their performance and perseverance.
Rule 4: Never mix cocktails with mock tails!
In my first relationship, my boy friend reached out to my colleague, confided in her and in the process outed me to her. In my next relationship, I got a call from my boy friend’s mother asking me to stay away from her son. In one of the gathering my gay friend’s nosey colleague wanted to know if I were gay and if I was seeing him. People are best managed when kept in silos because their tongues can be acerbic and congregation unpredictable. So restrict your colleagues to LinkedIn, friends and acquaintances to emails, close friends to Facebook, and keep family for face to face interactions.
Rule 5: Tell them when it is over!
Every relationship comes with an expiry tag as much as it comes with a role description and responsibility. You may be getting married, or you may have found a permanent fuck buddy or a boy friend, or you are ready to dissolve a friendship for having broken rules of engagement and trust. The key to managing successful relationships is to tell people know where they stand whether they have been upgraded or downgraded on the journey of life. Not everyone travels with us on the journey of life. It is natural and healthy for some to drop-off and for new ones to join us on the journey. So, tell them when it is over, make your good-bye speeches grand and don’t let them assume from your silence.
Don't we all learn about ourselves from others and the relationships we hold? Not sure if it will help you find Mr. Right, but it will definitely let you wake up and walk around with clarity and also not runaway from people.
1 comment:
individual's prespective differs, wat you are luking for, the other on emight not be on the same track, isnt it better to find out if both of u are on same track, then i guess probs of break ups could be cut down. Anyways, a good write up, i still respect you like before, nothing has changed (from your end) though i have changed maself a lot. Hoping for your good health. Njoe.. n keep writing:-)
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