(I)den(t)ity!

A week after that chat with a friend (refer to be blog below) I realized how people can be heated like thermosetting polymer and re-casted!

Titles are self-proclaimed and labels are self-printed but when challenged and questioned people always feel threatened, insecure, cornered, confused and some even go to the extent of willing to print new ones. Here is an experience I recently had with two straight men at a bar.

After a three year wait her divorced had finally come through and we had to celebrate her new singlehood and have some pictures with pegs and pints, tits and wits to ring the bell and welcome the change in her Facebook status from “It’s complicated” to “Single”!

It was four in the evening when I and another gay friend (Dino) along with his fag hag (Alisha) ventured into a decent and affordable bar in the city. My friend was expecting a colleague (Shawn) and his college-mate (Georgy) to join us at the bar. I looked around the barely occupied bar and found two interesting straight males (engendered or endangered, was it to be determined?). A closer look revealed that the two guys were ahead of us!

We joined them at the table and we placed the order for drinks after a quick round of introductions and handshakes. A straight crowd is always curious to know what do you do and while a gay crowd is curious to know where you meet him. “So, what do you want to know gentlemen”, I asked Georgy’s pupil dilated and he acted surprised, while Shawn was busy trying to dissolve the ice in the glass of whiskey. Not sure if it was alcohol or they were comfortable in their own skins, but these guys were seemed not bothered to find out what I did or who I did. What a careless crowd to be with! But are they really cool and careless or they pretending to be that way? I was determined to peel their skin, layer by layer to ascertain their identity!

Me: Georgy, I think I have a cool name for you. Wanna hear?

Georgy: Oh yes! I have been called so many names before, but let’s see what you got for me.

Me: I am sure you are a sporto! What do u think of Orgy Georgy?

Georgy: You are so witty!

Me: You get witty only when you don’t go behind titty! And I gave a seductive look to Orgy Georgy!

Georgy had recently got an admit card to study in the US and I said he would have lots of opportunity to live-up the name. Georgy gushed and giggled like a high school girl, while Shawn with a pair of round and ready to pop out eyes peered through oversized spectacle frame trying to fit the world into and acted as though he wasn’t interested in any kind - orgy or Georgy!

Shawn hates fat people and he loves to play cruel jokes on them and to get him all warmed up and include him in the conversation I shared the picture of a fat man I clicked on the train journey, how he kept me awake all night with his monstrous snore, and when confronted how he asked me to travel in a coupe while I retorted by asking him to travel by a freight train. A thunderous laughter punctuated my words!

By now the ice had dissolved in Shawn’s Whiskey and he was no more figidity and was alive on the table.

Me: Alisha, do British guys refer to “harmonica” as a “mouth organ”? Because when I said “mouth organ” to the Americans they snickered and made fun of me. A penis was euphemistically referred to as a “mouth organ”.

Alisha: Americans are weird and are sadly they coin their own terms and try to make it a global standard.

Me: Alisha, in gay lingo (in India) we refer to a flautist as a person who gives a blow job! So, did you know Shawn was a real flautist and not a euphemistic one?

Shawn: No…no… I only blow air through the bamboo reed and not what you guys think.

The first bottle of Kingfisher was done by now and Shawn made a loud whistle to draw the attention of the bar tender for refills. I was kind of completely in control with the conversation on the table and also in control of the short-eats, while the straight men were walking down my aisle with comfort.

Georgy to Me: So, are you really gay or you playing a prank on me? You are all muscled up, not pansy and don’t seem to fit into a stereotype.

Me: Georgy there is nothing called straight or gay and here is my friend JV’s line “you have a life time to prove otherwise”. So Georgy, have you ever felt curious to try it out with a guy?

Georgy all ruffled, hurriedly up said, “No!”

Me: So you don’t know what you are missing. And you may have a gay gene and one does finds it out only when tested or pushed to test! This is like HIV! You need to get tested to know if you carry the gene and it is essential before you marry a woman.

Shawn: Well I have tried it out once and I didn’t seem to like it.

Me: So Shawn, do women give blow-jobs? And do they give better blow jobs than men?

Shawn and Georgy in chorus responded with a big yes! And I said, “well then you haven’t tried it with the right man.”

Me: So Shawn, how old were you when you tried it out? Where you conscious or drunk when it happened? Did you initiate it or did someone else initiate you into trail?

Shawn: I was 16 and I was not drunk. And I consciously made the move to check if I had homoerotic attractions.

Me: Shawn you are an experimenter and you could be a mentor for Orgy Georgy. Sometimes when you are conscious and trying to figure out which is better, you kind of tend to lose the real pleasure. So you must douse yourself with some “moral lubricant” aka alcohol and lose your sense of judgment and then decide the morning after.

Shawn: But I am not attracted or aroused by men.

Me: Under the influence of alcohol you may be. And you need to do another round of testing before you can be so sure. And moreover what you felt in 16 may not be true when you at 25. We all go through psycho-biological changes. May be you should give us another chance before labeling yourself as straight and walking the aisle with a women!

Shawn rolled his mammoth eyes again, but I couldn’t figure out if he was willing to go for another trial run. But nevertheless, approved alcohol can make it easy.

Me: Georgy, genitals decide gender, and not a mouth! So you must give it a shot and share your experience before making tall claims about your straight-hood!

Dino: So Georgy, are you cut or uncut?

Georgy was shy and worried and didn’t answer that question since he was surrounded by self proclaimed straight friends Shawn and Alisha. But once they left for a smoke, he came closer to me and confessed his “cut” status.

Me: Georgy if you are cut then you are going to leave someone with a rough tongue.

I pulled out my iphone and turned on the gay app “Grindr” that I use to hunt gay men in my city and flashed the list of options he has in the city. Georgy was again shy and giggly, and without giving a notice I took a picture of a smiley Georgy and I threatened I would post it on Grindr with his mobile number and make him Gay Georgy or Go-go Georgy or Orgy Georgy. To make him feel comfortable I coaxed Alisha to pose for a picture and post her under the fag-hag category on Grindr.

A few rounds of alcohol were enough to loosen up the guys, widen their perspective and rediscover and giving me an opportunity to dent in their identity. At the end of the 4 hour session, Shawn was ready for his next experience with a man under the influence of alcohol and offered to do a comparative study report, while Orgy Georgy said he was now a curious cat on the wall, and Alisha said she was ready to start a Planet Juliet portal for straight women and lesbians.

Straight people are petrified with the gay label, but when counseled and coaxed under the influence of alcohol they are willing to go the next mile and test it out. So don’t forget alcohol with its unique OH! bond is a great solvent. It solves differences, blurs traditional boundaries and turns frigid and formula driven sex into something more fluid and fun.

So the next time someone flaunts their “straight” stereotype status, remember what my friend JV said, “You have the right to test them” and tell them that “they have lifetime to prove otherwise”. So go on and take the straight fellas by their horns and certify their identity and reorient them! Ofcourse we can’t be losing our men to women!