In the last few years, I haven't shopped for anything new other than groceries and all other purchases made were small ticket items like shoes, belts, etc. only bought to replace the worn out pair in my closet. I extended the same austerity and wariness to people that I bring into my life, simply because, I don't want to be a consumer and I want care for those who are already in my life.
Discovery phase
Three months ago, a friend of mine connected me with his single friend living in the city, where I recently moved to. Though I was excited to connect with him, I was cautiously optimistic having gone through my set of frogs. I restricted the initial interaction to emails to gauge his response, interests and commitment levels. After about two months, I graduated him to Whatsapp, though he has a long way to find a permanent place in my phone book.
Swipe and wipe
As soon as I landed in the city, I got myself on Grindr to survey the gay population and specially the market for a 40 year old. To my surprise, most of them were in their twenties with raging libido, while a few shocked me by comfortably addressing me as daddy and a married man asked me if I was okay to have a Ashley Madison affair.
Last week, I graduated my friend's friend from WhatsApp messages to a meeting at a coffee shop. On our second meeting, a day later, we went to watch a movie and our third meeting got him all excited below the waist, which I pushed for later. Not sure if he got busy or my push for later annoyed him, I didn't get response to my calls and text messages. A few days later, I got a message from him saying that he is hospitalized and will text me once he feels better.
I cursed myself for being strict and scaring him away, so I was ready to get horizontal with the next guy. In the meantime one of the twenty year olds got in touch with me on Grindr. After communicating for a few days, I was convinced to meet him for coffee. An engaging 90 min conversation helped us to get to know each other and exchange our plans and perspectives. He proposed that we take a walk on the beach, but the 3km ride to the beach ended up in a dark alley where the car seat turned into a make shift bed. That night I sent him courtesy text message thanking him for the good time, but there has been no response. Did I make a wrong swipe?
Evaluation phase
My austerity and wariness doesn't prevent me from getting excited when I see the next model of iPhone or an attractive and intelligent man. Yesterday, I was sitting across from a financial advisor discussing my long-term financial goals and seeking suggestions lucrative investment opportunities. He was a few years older to me, still the 20 year old in me was excited by his greying hairline. Upon hearing him speak, I moved him quickly on the attractiveness index: he was well-read, and at the same time a good listener. While he was evaluating my financial goals, I evaluated his fingers looking for symbols of commitment and marriage. But within minutes when he made references to his financial goals by linking them to the future of his two daughters, I instantly downgraded him to a junk bond and put his business card in the Rolodex.
Excommunication phase
Despite knowing that Alexa (read my earlier blog) was not reachable from India, I still flirted, got intimate and made memories with her. Upon my return home, I was making efforts to stay in touch with Richy, but when many of my texts went answered for a week, I refrained from messaging and toned down my expectations. Was it the fall of the summer romance?
Trying to forget all these folks, and their responses and memories, I tried calling a friend in another city. But when he didn't recognize my voice and asked me who I was, I turned speechless in shock. I realized that I was excommunicated from his mobile even without any romantic involvement.
Adding and deleting people from ones phone book may sound simple, but every entry in my phonebook has an emotional experience behind it. While I know what gets people a place on my phonebook, I had no idea what obligations I had to meet to get on their phones and get them to answer my texts and calls.
At 40, romance and sex seemed like aquaregia dissolving relationships with and without sex.
