Lies, Relationship, and Drama.

Three things about gay men that make think engaging with them for one night stands is easier and less complicated than friendship.

1. Lies: I see this man on Grindr hunting for dicks to wake up his sleepy ass (he says it has been in a comma for 4 months) and he lies to me on whatsapp that he never logged on to it!

2. Parallel relationship: a married gay guy just sends his wife home for good (divorce not yet filed) but wants me to move to his city and start a live-in relationship before the other one ends. He even offered to book my flight tickets.

3. Stranger to friend to good-bye: Even Shumachers race car doesn't go that fast.

Week 1: we meet for coffee and I tell him I don't commit myself for a relationship until I know the person for a year. I show him the route to friendship.

Week 2: we chat off and on and he sends me a music CD by mail. The envelope is yet to be opened.

Week 3: he invites himself and books himself on a flight ticket to come and spend a few days with me and meet my family.

Week 4: he shows up with sweets, gifts and even cries when he leaves for the airport.

Week 5: he sends me flowers and says he likes me and even stalks me on whatsapp. I feel jittery, uncomfortable and anxious with his behavior.

Week 6: he sends me an email letting me know it is all over and he has deleted my number and doesn't want to keep in touch with me. Reason: he is still carrying baggage from the earlier relationship.

How am I supposed to react to such men who call themselves honest, sorted, and simple on their online profiles? My one year wait time for a relationship really weeds out the fake and drama fairies. In just 6 weeks i witnessed lies killing trust, drama killing friendship and baggage from earlier relationship creating murkiness in the mind. Now i know why these guys complain about loneliness!

I'm sure there are more out there who are not what they say on their profiles and don't know how to seed and grow relationships with patience and care and prudence without suffocation. For now I'm taking a break from lies, relationship and drama and i am in no hurry to find my partner. Did I say no sex? :)

Star(v)e wars?

It is not always looks, clothes or perfumes; sometimes a single stare is enough to infuse a strong sense of (be)longing and desire.

From the moment I boarded the over-crowded train there was a pair of eyes following my every move. He came forward and closer to me. He watched me remove my back pack and place it between my legs and he watched me pull out my phone and start my Twitter app. Those eyes was measuring me from head to toe like a scanning machine, was it friendly or fondly was yet to be discovered!

I flashed a smile at the looker not to approve his stare, but to understand his intent and to check if it was friendly. His eyes took ages to respond back to my defensive and desirous stare and friendly smile and finally when he responded with a smirk and it appeared he was either jet-lagged or stayed beyond many oceans and behind time zones.

Why is he staring at me and what does he need from me? Was he trying to ignite the fire of lust in me to warm his physique? Or was he appointed to follow me? Honestly I didn’t have answers to any of these questions and I was unprepared for this morning stare wars. Dismissing these questions in my mind, I went on my twitter account to enjoy the fresh morning dews and dues!

At the next station when I moved to make way for the disembarking crowd I caught the guy again starring at me. His eyes were big and seemed to have that cataract of desire, not sure if my eyes were jaundiced. But with just 8 minutes to my destination one of us would have to step forward to convert those stares and decipher the actions behind them.

I returned his more than compli(men)tary stare this time by scanning his eyebrows and then coming down to his lips and going all the way from left to right and top to bottom. The contours of his lips made my heart beat faster and his intense look turned on my knob of desire releasing the fresh batch of adrenalin turning my forehead into a reservoir of sweat. I couldn’t have made it any easier for him to make my motives clear and his moves near.

He understood my stare and responded with a little glee, but made no efforts to strike a conversation or take it further. Is he trying to be a cock teaser? Does he even know the chemical and physical changes he is bringing about in my body with his stare? Every time the train went into a tunnel, darkness engulfed us and I would escape his eyes, but when train emerged out and the light came back he would come behind me with a determined vengeance. I must confess the 26 year old (I guessed he must be in his mid twenties from his skin and facial hair) exhibited patience and wisdom of an experienced hunter spreading his stare trap.

I looked around to see if anyone else caught me scanning him and surprisingly I found a few that were looking even better than this guy. Should I leave this one and move on the next? As a last try, I stared at the bulge between his legs to see if I could induce any lust in this iron will(i)ed man. Before I could catch his response, the train entered another tunnel and the entire compartment was engulfed in darkness. But I could still see a pair of eyes that were watching me like a satellite watching earth, but they carried no promises and transmitted no signals.

As people moved, adjusted and rearranged to give way to de-boarding passengers I searched for his eyes hidden behind the hanging garden of elbows. Not sure if he was setting a trap with his eyes, but every stare was making me curious and I wanted know if it was going to be a feast or a starve. Why is he acting cold and clueless? Was he magnetizing me or demagnetizing me? He could have asked me something and ceased the endless debate in my mind, but his silence was a killer.

I didn't give up the war of stare and I searched his eyes to see if there were hidden desires and emotions behind the eyelids and pupils. I still had a short walk from the platform to gate and I could strike a conversation and make plans to being in the hands of this hunter. Have you ever heard before a prey expressing a desire to get hunted? Have you heard a bulls-eye going behind an arrow?

The crowd was moving towards the entrance while he was still tucked in the back. I had no clue if he was getting down. I wanted to get down and check on him but in the last second I decided to abandon the stare games. Infact I had given him every opportunity to say something to me with his eyes and hands. What a loser!!

I came down the flight of stairs and felt no need to turn around and confirm him in my blind spot. And finally on the last step I decided to break my vow and turn around. I let my eyes search for the black tee shirt and the chin covered with black goatee. Where did he vanish? Did he even get off the train? My heart and mind was not willingly to let go of this teaser.

Faster than an airport baggage scanner, I scanned 100 plus people in a few seconds and he stood right beside me watching and enjoying me search and scan. He watched my eyes, heart and mind go up the stairs looking for him and getting crushed in the sea of humanity. Was he chasing me or observing my desire being teased and chased?

I was annoyed and put-off by his gesture and stormed towards the gate. He adjusted his speed to match with mine. When we got to the entrance he was right beside me and now he even removed his ear buds with a hope I might ask or say something. I took away the blank check that I gave during the 10 minute train ride, and gave a blank look instead. I yelled "auto" and with the next few seconds our stares ended and we started our journey to our next destination.

In those 9 mins commute, from perusal to arousal, stare to starve I travelled through more stages of emotions than stations. And in the end I also had to let my fumes of disappointment go along with the adulterated volatile petrol fumes emanating from the auto.