To chubs and cubs

Chubs and cubs have started addressing me as Daddy. And I’ve realized being a Daddy is more than receding hairline and salt and pepper looks: I need to be able to provide guidance and share my experiences. Here are two questions that hit my mailbox this week.

Dear Daddy,

In this age of hook up apps, it is very difficult for gay men to get into a committed relationship, leave alone being committed in one. We grew our friendship at snail’s pace. It took 3 months for us to do a face-to-face meet and another 3 months before we t(e/a)sted  each other in bed. Just after our first anniversary, I started to make space for my things in my boyfriend’s closet and that’s when he asked me if I had informed my past regulars that I’ll be unavailable going forward. Give me a straight answer, how should I react?

Dear Chub,

Sex and relationships have gone the Uber way. Today, owning a car is a passé and we are already beginning to witness humans living and copulating with robots. Sophie, the first humanoid robot to receive a citizenship, wants to start a family. All these technological developments and humans wanting to go the Uber way and robots wanting to behave like humans raises more questions about sex and future of relationships and punctuates it with an exclamation mark.

Now, coming back to your question on how to react, I’ll say react positively. I am happy that you both took a year to organically grow your relationship. Your boyfriend wants an old-fashioned relationship with strings attached and a contract of (cum)mitment signed in blood. He doesn’t seem to belong to the PREP generation that swallow emotions and partners like a pill. He wants to give you that space provided you are making it exclusive.

You wanting to leave your stuff behind probably indicates the sex must be good and dopamine secretion from the togetherness must be rewarding. Am I right? So, don’t be queer. Seize the moment and take the vow of “exclusivity”; inform your hook-ups about your unavailability. Don’t worry about your hook-ups they will find better ones with help of whore aggregating apps. All the best!

Dear Daddy,

As soon as we agreed to be “exclusive”, my partner and I decided to screen our blood for any sexually transmitted infections. But then I felt the real virus lurked in our phones. Do you think we should screen our phones for hookup apps, video chatting apps, and sanitize them? How do I get him to agree to this without sounding suspicious?

Dear cub,

You’ve hit the nail with your proposal of screening and sanitizing phones. While you are pragmatic to proof your relationship from adultery, suspicion, failure, but getting this across to your partner can be very tricky. You don’t want to sound distrustful or apprehensive, and at the same time you don’t want him to be treat this as a joke.

Share statistics from studies linking increase in divorce rates to social networking and mobile phones and discuss how to make your relationship fail-proof. Go through the contact list on your phone and social media platforms explain to him whose is who. Once you do this at your end, your partner may be forced to invite himself to screen and sanitize.

If he is still resistant and protective about you seeing his mobile screen, talk about longevity of marriages in earlier generation and how there were no secrets between couples. Explain how trust and fidelity are mutual and non-negotiable and never let suspicion sneak into your relationship. Give him opportunities to read out your messages, answer your calls, etc. This may help him drop his defenses. Remember, you can never coerce anyone into sharing their personal space. Despite all your efforts, if he still prefers to cherish his mobile phone and be secretive, you should not waste time and move on. 

This is US

Some toddlers like Ashraf see the dark side of humanity very early on, while some kids like Venkat think it is all part of growing up. Did Deepak and Vignesh have a childhood similar to Ashraf and Amal? Will they grow up to become Professor Rajesh or Manny? Read on.

Toying hard and soft

At the age when kids sucked on lollipops and played with toys, the 2-year old Ashraf was made to suck something else and play with an object meant for adults. Manny (male nanny) forced his junk into the innocent kid’s mouth and taught him how to make it hard and soft with a mere touch.

His story begins with history

Venkat visited his classmate Ashwin under the pre-text of preparing together for the upcoming quarterly exams. While explaining the 1857 revolt fueled by the animal fat coated cartridges, Venkat (sexually abused by his cousin while teaching him math) slid his hands into Ashwin’s shorts triggering his pistol to fire.  

Still a verb: Parking to playing

Targeted by his family and extended family for being a bit effete, Amal was swamped in a cloud of dishonor, confusion, guilt. The fifteen year old frequented parks to escape humiliation seeking peace and clarity. A few men pretending to play the role of a counselor, read through Amal’s handwritten drafts about his suffering and confusion. Eventually, Amal parked his pen and found peace in playing with their penises.  

Topping before the exam

Finding Albert to be different from rest of his students, Professor Rajesh invited him home promising him of extra lessons before the exam. Studious Albert accepted the invite and showed up at his house on a Saturday afternoon. Albert expected professor's family to be around, but to his surprise there was only the professor at home. Soon, the sexually starved predator moved the lesson from the living room to his bedroom. Two months later when the semester results were out Albert discovered he not only topped his professor, but also the class. 

Sailing boats seldom need anchors

Deepak wasn't physically attracted to Arjun, but he had an emotional need to find an anchor family in the new city where he had moved for a job. Seeing his friends and colleagues move up the corporate ladder and migrating outside the country, Deepak wanted to follow their footsteps. While traveling on a project to US, Deepak found an opportunity to disclose his permanent desire to settle down there and his ongoing relationship with another man to Arjun.

Who takes the blame?

Orthodox upbringing and focused approach to acquiring multiple medical specializations forced Vignesh to suspend his sexual explorations and digressions until his late twenties. Away from his family and settled in his profession, Vignesh started a long distance relationship with Arpan. Every time Arpan left the city, Vignesh’s bottled up wild side came alive and he began indiscriminately corresponding with random men he met online and hooked up with a few. Is it orthodox upbringing, delayed start or long distance between them?  

Whose fault is it?

Harish’s father vanished from his life when he was seven and as a result he ended up growing up around women (mother and three sisters) nursing an emotional void in him. He dated men twice his age and reasoned that he was looking for grey hair and wisdom, but in reality he was looking for a father figure that he was missing since childhood. Sadly, none of his relationships lasted because he was emotionally clinging and financially expecting from all of them.

Is this all normal?

Do you find a reflection of you in any of these characters? Do you think these kids will grow up to be normal adults, hold a faithful relationship or find a partner who will heal their wounds and experience a peaceful family life? Or will they be cruising in parks, work places and lurking in the online world (Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, etc.) like restless ghosts?

Past and present

Ashraf and Amal are same individuals. Ten years ago, Ashraf was dumped by Deepak for another man. Seven years later, Deepak divorced his same-sex partner who is now in a live-in with his best friend in Europe.

Ashwin is a younger self of Albert. And Vignesh is the adult version of Albert. After multiple attempts to hold a relationship (Anand and Arpan), Vignesh is convinced hooking up to be less painful and made it his way of life.

Professor Rajesh and Harish are biologically related – yes, father and son. Manny is Venkat’s maternal uncle. Genetically engineered!

This is us for all seasons and reasons!