Queer Chameleons

Sometimes we see through people and their behaviours, and hypocrisy and at last my observations and words crystallised into a blog.

The matters of the heart and mind are common across genders and sexuality. I have been observing behaviours of some queer men and some among them who self-identify and self-proclaim as feminists and lecture cis-het men on how to behave with women.

Sadly, these men behave the same way straight men behave towards women. Isn’t this outright hypocrisy and is worse than being a homophobe, biphobe and transphobe?

Based on my observations and experiences, I have compiled the below pointers that are gender and sexuality neutral. 

1. Consent first: Just because someone is single and your type, don’t assume they are available and interested in you.
2. No stalking: There is nothing wrong in expressing your interest but be direct and stop flirting or stalking - it’s uncomfortable to many.
3. No baiting: Stop voluntarily sending them your shirtless pictures or nudes and asking for theirs. Such solicitations are cheap. 
4. Don’t mislead: Physical intimacy is the highest form of emotional intimacy. While you may be looking for a fling, they may be up for something serious. So, discuss and agree and don’t mislead, cheat or harass.
5. Zip up: If your offer gets turned down or it didn’t go the way you wanted it to, learn to accept and do not go around slut shaming or bad mouthing them.
6. No ghosting: After leading on people, if you decide to make a U-turn, explain your decision and don’t be a living ghost.
7. Respect boundaries: Just because you both know a few people don’t ask or assume if they’ve slept with them. This is none of your business and it shows the shape of your brain or the lack of it.
   

The society needs conscience keepers and brave hearts who will hold up mirrors to queer chameleons, and tear each other’s activist and saviour face masks. So, let’s keep our conscience, lust, sanity, and ego in check.

The first thirty days...

Sharing a life together and associated responsibilities can make living easier and happier, if only both parties enjoy it. It has been 30 days since our separation, and I ask myself two questions: Am I enjoying? and what am I missing?

The meanest on earth

Today as I trudge back to an empty house and there is radio silence, but it does not make me uncomfortable, and I do not feel like an unwanted person in the house. I neither shop for stuff that I cannot eat nor share instructions on how to soak and wash fruits and vegetables to get rid of pesticides.

Moreover, I do not have to be vigilant about vegetarian cooking utensils being used for cooking meat and have to inspect washed vessels food remains, which has earned me the title “The meanest person on earth.” These days I listen to more chants, classical music and talk shows while cooking and go easy on spice and salt.

I am only responsible for myself

While living alone comes with responsibilities, I do not have to play the head of housekeeping and assign responsibilities to keep the floors, toilets and basins clean. Today, I am my own staff and I keep an eye on the laundry basket to plan washing loads, drop off clothes for ironing and ensure bed sheets are sheets are clean and house smells good.

Decision making is easier!

In a city where traffic can hold us hostages on the roads for hours, I do not have to synchronize our work calendars to get to office and back home. I can choose to skip gym, go for a movie, catch up with a colleague, plan my weekends and socialize with anyone I want and invite people home for a meal without consultation or convincing.

It is hard

While same letters are in the words partner and parent and I do not play either of the roles anymore. Both responsibilities are hard, and we end up feeling lonely as an orphan when we relinquish them.

I am enjoying my 8 hours of peaceful sleep as the room does not get direct sunlight, but I miss woken up by his snore and nightmares. While there was limited room in the bed then, it made me feel safer. Today, the bed is half empty, and I use it to rest my thoughts and memories of us. I fall asleep trying to answer the two questions – how did this happen and why did he leave me?

I am not missing those hugs he never gave me while he sat behind me on the bike, but I miss those hugs he gave me when I was unwell. I miss those conversations we have had when life threw curve balls at us and the plan B’s we hatched together.

I miss the joy of cooking his favorite dishes and tasting his baking experiments. With year-end around the corner, I miss planning our vacations and getaways. I miss those arguments we have had no politics, cinema, religion, cuisine, etc.

Sometimes anger and money loses its value. I can no longer buy him gifts or take him out for meals; and cannot get angry at him for being delinquent on home chores.

Steve Jobs once said: "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

Someday I hope to find answers as to why we meet people, how we turn a stranger into the meaning of our life, and how parting ways turns them into a stranger again and making life into a riddle. 

It is hard to love and lose and it is harder to live and not love.

A playbook to an amicable breakup!

The last time I thought a relationship was when I boarded the train with my belongings to Bangalore in 2018 to start a live-in relationship. I turned cold feet the night before and I had to do a self-talk to make me feel confident. I convinced myself that the probability of failure was 50% and if things didn’t work out, I’ll pack my bags and get back to my base.

Only when I stumbled upon this article/questionnaire from The Guardian on September 24th, I realized how amicable our separation had been, at least for me. Our 6 year relationship came to an end after a 2.5 month living together under the same roof post our decision to separate. While it may be easier to find a rebound relationship, it is hard to find the next roof where you can find your happiness and rebuild your life. I needed time to find a place which can accelerate my healing. Every breakup is as much hard as hard work, and it needs patience, clarity and maturity to ensure either of you move on without much drama. 

What did we do to make it amicable? 

As soon as we decided to break up, we started sleeping in different bedrooms, doing activities on our own, commuting to work and gym separately, socializing with different groups of friends, cooking our individual meals, buying our grocery, doing solo trips and weekend getaways.

I didn’t realize it would be his last birthday under the roof. As usual I got him a cake, and a meal for his birthday. I even bought him one last gift...a custom-made t shirt that said, "More trees less assholes".

I didn't want either of us to part ways with regrets or guilt, unresolved feelings and carry our baggage into the next one. So, I provided an opportunity for him to be heard, feel light and emotionally enabled him to move on without any baggage or guilt. I forced him to vent out his feelings, and unburden him pent up anger, frustration, and complaints about me. I didn't hesitate to say sorry and thank you before we said it was over. And that night and for the last time I slept next to him holding hands, hugging each other, and letting him wrap his legs around me. What we didn't have was goodbye sex, but to help him move on he invited a stranger at 3 am for a hook up the weekend I wasn't home. 

Friends and family can be a glue that keeps couples together. So, I informed a few of our common friends and my family that we are parting ways. While friends reacted with the standard phrase, I'm sorry...but my mother was the only one who asked if she could speak to him. It was late for anyone to intervene...and neither of us had the will to stay together. 

It was my birthday two days prior to my move; he chose not to wish me, and we spent very less time together. The morning after wasn't awkward, we sat together for 10 minutes to review and settle shared utility bills.

What made our separation easier? 

Straight marriages and relationships bicker over money, alimony and child support. While there were no children here, I kept our finances separate and accounted till the last penny. We didn’t hold a joint bank account, buy property together or have either of us on your living will. While I had him on my work medical insurance, he had his own and there was no dependency. 

When we decided to live together, I did my fair contribution in purchasing essential home appliances such as microwave, a bigger refrigerator, recliner, and he got a bigger television set. And these buys were tied to our anniversary milestone. While those that I bought came with me, there were a few items we bought together, and we let each other pick the ones we wanted to keep.

What was difficult to divide, or split were friends. Some stayed with me, some stayed with him, and some didn’t want to take either side. Fair enough, and I was prepared to start new friendships. And to my surprise the new ones offered help to unpack, shop, and clean up from the last party.  

The moving out day can be emotional for all of us. 5.5 years ago, I packed his bags and drove in a truck to our new house and today I was doing it myself. While I felt anxious the night before, thinking about the freedom and new life got me excited. He spent the weekend at his friends, so he didn't have deal with my move out and ensured my freedom. As a return for his kindness, I ensured he came to the house that was clean, spotless and without my belongings, but I couldn't guarantee the house devoid of memories.

Some people may have felt we had a perfect gay relationship recipe for success and were living their dream life and through this blog I sharing a decent playbook for ending it amicably.

While we may have been mean assholes in the relationship, but we ought to be kind and decent at least in the end. Live and let live!

To chubs and cubs

Chubs and cubs have started addressing me as Daddy. And I’ve realized being a Daddy is more than receding hairline and salt and pepper looks: I need to be able to provide guidance and share my experiences. Here are two questions that hit my mailbox this week.

Dear Daddy,

In this age of hook up apps, it is very difficult for gay men to get into a committed relationship, leave alone being committed in one. We grew our friendship at snail’s pace. It took 3 months for us to do a face-to-face meet and another 3 months before we t(e/a)sted  each other in bed. Just after our first anniversary, I started to make space for my things in my boyfriend’s closet and that’s when he asked me if I had informed my past regulars that I’ll be unavailable going forward. Give me a straight answer, how should I react?

Dear Chub,

Sex and relationships have gone the Uber way. Today, owning a car is a passé and we are already beginning to witness humans living and copulating with robots. Sophie, the first humanoid robot to receive a citizenship, wants to start a family. All these technological developments and humans wanting to go the Uber way and robots wanting to behave like humans raises more questions about sex and future of relationships and punctuates it with an exclamation mark.

Now, coming back to your question on how to react, I’ll say react positively. I am happy that you both took a year to organically grow your relationship. Your boyfriend wants an old-fashioned relationship with strings attached and a contract of (cum)mitment signed in blood. He doesn’t seem to belong to the PREP generation that swallow emotions and partners like a pill. He wants to give you that space provided you are making it exclusive.

You wanting to leave your stuff behind probably indicates the sex must be good and dopamine secretion from the togetherness must be rewarding. Am I right? So, don’t be queer. Seize the moment and take the vow of “exclusivity”; inform your hook-ups about your unavailability. Don’t worry about your hook-ups they will find better ones with help of whore aggregating apps. All the best!

Dear Daddy,

As soon as we agreed to be “exclusive”, my partner and I decided to screen our blood for any sexually transmitted infections. But then I felt the real virus lurked in our phones. Do you think we should screen our phones for hookup apps, video chatting apps, and sanitize them? How do I get him to agree to this without sounding suspicious?

Dear cub,

You’ve hit the nail with your proposal of screening and sanitizing phones. While you are pragmatic to proof your relationship from adultery, suspicion, failure, but getting this across to your partner can be very tricky. You don’t want to sound distrustful or apprehensive, and at the same time you don’t want him to be treat this as a joke.

Share statistics from studies linking increase in divorce rates to social networking and mobile phones and discuss how to make your relationship fail-proof. Go through the contact list on your phone and social media platforms explain to him whose is who. Once you do this at your end, your partner may be forced to invite himself to screen and sanitize.

If he is still resistant and protective about you seeing his mobile screen, talk about longevity of marriages in earlier generation and how there were no secrets between couples. Explain how trust and fidelity are mutual and non-negotiable and never let suspicion sneak into your relationship. Give him opportunities to read out your messages, answer your calls, etc. This may help him drop his defenses. Remember, you can never coerce anyone into sharing their personal space. Despite all your efforts, if he still prefers to cherish his mobile phone and be secretive, you should not waste time and move on. 

This is US

Some toddlers like Ashraf see the dark side of humanity very early on, while some kids like Venkat think it is all part of growing up. Did Deepak and Vignesh have a childhood similar to Ashraf and Amal? Will they grow up to become Professor Rajesh or Manny? Read on.

Toying hard and soft

At the age when kids sucked on lollipops and played with toys, the 2-year old Ashraf was made to suck something else and play with an object meant for adults. Manny (male nanny) forced his junk into the innocent kid’s mouth and taught him how to make it hard and soft with a mere touch.

His story begins with history

Venkat visited his classmate Ashwin under the pre-text of preparing together for the upcoming quarterly exams. While explaining the 1857 revolt fueled by the animal fat coated cartridges, Venkat (sexually abused by his cousin while teaching him math) slid his hands into Ashwin’s shorts triggering his pistol to fire.  

Still a verb: Parking to playing

Targeted by his family and extended family for being a bit effete, Amal was swamped in a cloud of dishonor, confusion, guilt. The fifteen year old frequented parks to escape humiliation seeking peace and clarity. A few men pretending to play the role of a counselor, read through Amal’s handwritten drafts about his suffering and confusion. Eventually, Amal parked his pen and found peace in playing with their penises.  

Topping before the exam

Finding Albert to be different from rest of his students, Professor Rajesh invited him home promising him of extra lessons before the exam. Studious Albert accepted the invite and showed up at his house on a Saturday afternoon. Albert expected professor's family to be around, but to his surprise there was only the professor at home. Soon, the sexually starved predator moved the lesson from the living room to his bedroom. Two months later when the semester results were out Albert discovered he not only topped his professor, but also the class. 

Sailing boats seldom need anchors

Deepak wasn't physically attracted to Arjun, but he had an emotional need to find an anchor family in the new city where he had moved for a job. Seeing his friends and colleagues move up the corporate ladder and migrating outside the country, Deepak wanted to follow their footsteps. While traveling on a project to US, Deepak found an opportunity to disclose his permanent desire to settle down there and his ongoing relationship with another man to Arjun.

Who takes the blame?

Orthodox upbringing and focused approach to acquiring multiple medical specializations forced Vignesh to suspend his sexual explorations and digressions until his late twenties. Away from his family and settled in his profession, Vignesh started a long distance relationship with Arpan. Every time Arpan left the city, Vignesh’s bottled up wild side came alive and he began indiscriminately corresponding with random men he met online and hooked up with a few. Is it orthodox upbringing, delayed start or long distance between them?  

Whose fault is it?

Harish’s father vanished from his life when he was seven and as a result he ended up growing up around women (mother and three sisters) nursing an emotional void in him. He dated men twice his age and reasoned that he was looking for grey hair and wisdom, but in reality he was looking for a father figure that he was missing since childhood. Sadly, none of his relationships lasted because he was emotionally clinging and financially expecting from all of them.

Is this all normal?

Do you find a reflection of you in any of these characters? Do you think these kids will grow up to be normal adults, hold a faithful relationship or find a partner who will heal their wounds and experience a peaceful family life? Or will they be cruising in parks, work places and lurking in the online world (Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, etc.) like restless ghosts?

Past and present

Ashraf and Amal are same individuals. Ten years ago, Ashraf was dumped by Deepak for another man. Seven years later, Deepak divorced his same-sex partner who is now in a live-in with his best friend in Europe.

Ashwin is a younger self of Albert. And Vignesh is the adult version of Albert. After multiple attempts to hold a relationship (Anand and Arpan), Vignesh is convinced hooking up to be less painful and made it his way of life.

Professor Rajesh and Harish are biologically related – yes, father and son. Manny is Venkat’s maternal uncle. Genetically engineered!

This is us for all seasons and reasons!

GD and SD

In Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Memoirs of Melancholy Whores an old journalist on the eve of his 90th birthday, seeks sex with a young virgin. Instead of sex, he discovers love for the first time in his life. 

Similar to the old man, ahead of my 42nd birthday, I logged on to Grindr, a modern day Madame not looking for love, sex or boy friends. I like watching men of all ages, race and color digitally swim and spin in their web of desires to see them hunt their prey from a distance. Safari of another kind!

Within minutes after logging on to the app a dozen tadpoles (guys in early 20s) swam towards my digital profile and inundated my inbox me with a characteristic ring. Some texts stopped with a boring hi, some solicited my nude pictures, some flaunted theirs, while a few enticed me for a massage with an assured happy ending for a fee.

I wasn't here to entertain any of their solicitations. So, I didn't take any of their messages seriously and within a day after installing the app, I was ready to quit. As I logged into the app to flush my details, I got a message from a decent looking profile asking me to connect outside of this app and offered his phone number. I made a note of this number before I deleted the app and let it sit around in my phonebook for a few days. 

Though I didn't plan to snoop on him, but he automatically got added to my Whatsapp contacts and I was able to see his display pictures without getting on his phone book. What a voyeuristic app.p, I thought to myself. Like watching a perching bird through binoculars, I watched him change his display picture on his profile 3-4 times a day. Isn't it more than number of times we change clothes everyday? I must confess that his sense of fashion and grooming was much better than many others in the city. 

Finally, after waiting for two days, I dropped him a text with my real name and reminding him of my id on Grindr. Soon we texted back and forth exchanging basic information and developing a connect. As I told you before, I wasn't looking for a date, relationship or sex (paid or free), so there was no need for me to be unnecessarily nice to him or manipulate him to heed to my wild desire. 

During our text exchanges, I curiously asked him about his experience on the app and the purpose of why he was on it. He said he was tired of meeting men his age or younger and was looking for someone my age, preferably single who brought wisdom and experience. Did he trick me with a reply that I was waiting to hear and did I fall for it?

Our offices weren't that far from each other and within a week he requested if we could meet for a coffee somewhere nearby his office. We made a few plans, but due to our work schedules we had to cancel our meet. He came into work by mid-morning, I didn't find meeting after my work time any convenient. So, I told him that it had to be on a weekend and somewhere mid-way between our homes. 

In the next few days he sent me a text asking if I could get him a wallet to replace his worn out one. When I remained silent, he sent me another message to let know that he is sentimental about his wallet and he always got it from his sister or best friend. I ignored his request as it wasn't a healthy way to begin a friendship.

With a new movie (genre: political satire) coming to the cinemas that weekend, he insisted that we go watch it together in my side of the town. I happily accepted his proposal as I was guilty of canceling two of the three coffee meets. To wash away my guilt, I booked the movie tickets and in fact agreed to pick him up at the train station as he was new to this side of the town. 

As the lights were turned down and the movie began, he started to fish for my hands in the dark. Oops! I was a bit surprised by his gesture and propped up an innocent question, "are you looking for something?". He responded no, but insisted on holding my hands while watching the movie. I thought to myself what if the movie had been any other genres: horror, romance or eroticism? Mmm...

While he was watching the movie, I thought about a similar incident from a year ago. A 60-year old gentleman on the other side of Atlantic reached out for my arms. We had met once before at a friend's dinner and had exchanged a few emails. A year ago, he reached out to me asking if I could help him professionally and made an offer to pay for my flight tickets and accommodate me for two weeks. 

And today, when a 27-year old man reached for my arm, I asked myself if it were a curse from the 60-year old who I refused to visit because he appeared to be my sugar daddy?

Soon, at the  intermission, I steeped out to get myself a bottle of water and he faithfully followed me like a tadpole. He stood right besides me at the counter and asked if I could get him a drink and a popcorn. I felt this was a good enough deal to keep his hands off me for the next hour. 

Finally, as we exited the movie hall, his arms were almost around my shoulder; a gesture exhibited by Asian men to showcase their friendship. In an age when random friend requests are sent over social networking sites, why should a two-hour movie, popcorn and cold coffee be not enough to let him have his arms around my shoulder. 

With the night rising and two-hour travel time to his home, he insisted that we find a place close by to grab a bite and have a conversation. I felt uncomfortable to give him a friend status this quickly and I walked faster and blamed it on the traffic to get his arms off my shoulder. But I obliged to his request and walked towards a restaurant feeling lost in my own neck of the woods.

Two weeks later, when I rewind to that weekend and I'm able put my finger on that moment during our dinner conversation when I began to feel compassionate towards him. He lost his father at the age of five and lived at the mercy of his uncles for their sustenance. He managed to get a degree and find a job that brought him to the city. He came to the city with big dreams, but not abandoning his widowed mother back in the village. 

The city life can be harsh and the inhabitants can come across as rude, insensitive and sophisticated making the new entrants feel unfit, uncomfortable and homeless. That night I didn't want him to feel any of this and I felt the need to show that this city had good, warm and caring inhabitants. In fact he insisted that we take a selfie together at the restaurant. This was free and came with no strings attached and didn't raise any alarm bells in me. 

Just like the 90-year old man in the Memoirs of Melancholy Whores, who left the young virgin girl untouched and peacefully sleep besides him that night, I ended up paying for his dinner, picked up a wallet for him and left a small currency note and even let him rest his head on my shoulder on the way to the train station. While the old man experienced and discovered love for the first time, what did I experience and discover? Come along....

I withheld my judgment for a week and continued to stay in touch with the guy to understand him better and probably bring this to an end one way or the other. In the middle of the week he stopped by my office during lunch hour for a quick bite and again I ended up playing a host. In fact I never saw him take out the red color wallet ever since I gifted him. 

A day later he again requested me for a movie that weekend. Despite feeling uncomfortable playing the role, I obliged to only confirm my self-proclaimed label. But this time, I kept my hands tucked under my seat, continued to buy him cold coffee and dinner after the movie. 

While he had gone to wash his hands at the restaurant, I shared the selfie we took together the previous weekend with a common acquaintance he had mentioned during our conversation. And just as I dropped him at the train station, I received a message on my Whatsapp confirming the destination for our friendship. The common acquaintance confirmed that this young man lived off the kindness and currency of older men. Yes, he is a gold digger and I unknowingly volunteered to be his sugar daddy. 

On the way back home, I questioned the basis of all relationships, roles and responsibilities and I asked myself if I did the right thing by spending all this money on a stranger? While I judged the 60-year old man across the Atlantic of trying to play a sugar daddy when he offered to buy my time and pay for my expenses, I paid to make this 27-year old feel loved and welcomed in the city and earning myself the "sugar daddy" title ahead of my 42nd birthday. 

42 Meets 24

At 42, dreams gets busy more than wet. And during the most recent one, my ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago auditioned for another chance. Just as I got thinking if dream stalking was a result of one of us not getting over the other or softening our stand, I received a text message from 24-year old man who I met at a party last October. This is probably the fifth candidate in this age group (twenties) that I've said no to. 

On that rainy October night he came up to me at the club and introduced himself as a friend of a common acquaintance. Sometimes it is missed connections that enable new connections. We exchanged some basic courtesies and information as I began to carefully frame my questions to read more into his handshake. Soon he invited me to join him in the dance floor.

24 is both an even and composite number. It is the age to seek new experiences and chase dreams, desires and seek physical intimacy. Though 42 is also an even and composite number, it is the age by which you know about your dark and clumsy side and you are reluctant to try out new experiences.

Like men his age, he wasn't ready to accept my excuse (clumsy feet and poor motor nerve coordination) and remained steadfast to teach me a few quick and easy steps and join him on the floor.

I was impressed by his simple lessons and was surprised to see his moves and taken aback to see men queuing up to dance with him. Now I knew he was the most popular man in the room and wasn’t it quite an honor for me to get lessons from him?

On my way home that night, my mind began processing mutual insecurities we were projected on each other. I remembered how he followed me like a house cat every time I exited the dance floor. Moreover, I didn’t want to pursue a man who was popular and had a long queue of men waiting to dance with him.

The next morning when I woke up, I noticed a few messages queuing up for my attention similar to the men at the dance floor last night. Just as I began to read and respond to them, I received a call from him asking if I were free to meet up for a coffee. I delayed our meeting and in the meanwhile I reflected upon my love, loss and redemption experiences from my 20s and 30s and began to question the mind of men in 20s.

So, how does it feel to feature on the list of the 24-year old? 

My boy friend was 24 and I was 28 when we first met each other. Despite living in our respective homes in the same city we texted each other from the minute we arose till we retired. There was a time he came to my office and outed me to my colleague because I would not pick his call. Sometimes, we fought wars over 160 characters (SMS) and later realized how we ended up making the mobile companies richer.  

14 years later I again get on the list of a 24-year old. Though, I have a voice and message plan today, but it hardly gets used. Despite subscribing to the minimum plan, the provider continues makes money from my unused plan. When you get to 40s, you have mush less to say and more to think. On one of our calls, I enquired about his future plans, professional aspirations, etc. and motivated him to switch jobs or pursue master degree. I even rewrote his resume and forwarded to a friend in the same industry. Honestly, I was just trying to repay his kindness on the dance floor.

Isn't friendship also about assuaging fears and providing guidance and confidence?

Did we run out of topics or another man catch his fancy at another club? Don’t know why, but our messages and calls eventually stopped. Thinking about composite numbers, I recalled its other definition; it is a positive integer and has at least one divisor other than 1 and itself.

And recently, a year after I met this 24-year old, he called me up and interrupted my thoughts. Was it an anniversary wish? Nah! He told me that had an admit card from a University in France and had to leave the country in 3 weeks. With great joy, I invited him for a drink and dinner; he said he will get back and never did.

As much as sex can be relationship glue, lack of it can also make people drift away and fall apart. My second relationship during my 30s (across two cities) is a great example for what happens when sex cease to exist in a relationship. And now I could see shades of that in again after this phone call.

At 24, sex is undefined and can be with anyone and everyone and need not be confined to a relationship. But at 42, an age when wet dreams are hard to come by; more time is spent trying to define every relationship and giving it the appropriate respect or burial. 

Before I went back to thinking about my dream stalker, I wandered thinking about 24 and 42. Apart from being even and composite, they are both palindromic numbers and get to stay in each other’s life only for a year. And none of the others four guys before him who promised to stay in touch ever did and I don’t hold it against them.

I smirked…it is time to bring on the next number in the palindromic series. And as I get ready for my 43, wouldn’t 34 be more appropriate?

At the turn of 40

In the last few years, I haven't shopped for anything new other than groceries and all other purchases made were small ticket items like shoes, belts, etc. only bought to replace the worn out pair in my closet. I extended the same austerity and wariness to people that I bring into my life, simply because, I don't want to be a consumer and I want care for those who are already in my life. 

Discovery phase

Three months ago, a friend of mine connected me with his single friend living in the city, where I recently moved to. Though I was excited to connect with him, I was cautiously optimistic having gone through my set of frogs. I restricted the initial interaction to emails to gauge his response, interests and commitment levels. After about two months, I graduated him to Whatsapp, though he has a long way to find a permanent place in my phone book. 

Swipe and wipe

As soon as I landed in the city, I got myself on Grindr to survey the gay population and specially the market for a 40 year old. To my surprise, most of them were in their twenties with raging libido, while a few shocked me by comfortably addressing me as daddy and a married man asked me if I was okay to have a Ashley Madison affair.

Last week, I graduated my friend's friend from WhatsApp messages to a meeting at a coffee shop. On our second meeting, a day later, we went to watch a movie and our third meeting got him all excited below the waist, which I pushed for later. Not sure if he got busy or my push for later annoyed him, I didn't get response to my calls and text messages. A few days later, I got a message from him saying that he is hospitalized and will text me once he feels better. 

I cursed myself for being strict and scaring him away, so I was ready to get horizontal with the next guy. In the meantime one of the twenty year olds got in touch with me on Grindr. After communicating for a few days, I was convinced to meet him for coffee. An engaging 90 min conversation helped us to get to know each other and exchange our plans and perspectives. He proposed that we take a walk on the beach, but the 3km ride to the beach ended up in a dark alley where the car seat turned into a make shift bed. That night I sent him courtesy text message thanking him for the good time, but there has been no response. Did I make a wrong swipe?

Evaluation phase

My austerity and wariness doesn't prevent me from getting excited when I see the next model of iPhone or an attractive and intelligent man. Yesterday, I was sitting across from a financial advisor discussing my long-term financial goals and seeking suggestions lucrative investment opportunities. He was a few years older to me, still the 20 year old in me was excited by his greying hairline. Upon hearing him speak, I moved him quickly on the attractiveness index: he was well-read, and at the same time a good listener. While he was evaluating my financial goals, I evaluated his fingers looking for symbols of commitment and marriage. But within minutes when he made references to his financial goals by linking them to the future of his two daughters, I instantly downgraded him to a junk bond and put his business card in the Rolodex.

Excommunication phase

Despite knowing that Alexa (read my earlier blog) was not reachable from India, I still flirted, got intimate and made memories with her. Upon my return home, I was making efforts to stay in touch with Richy, but when many of my texts went answered for a week, I refrained from messaging and toned down my expectations. Was it the fall of the summer romance?

Trying to forget all these folks, and their responses and memories, I tried calling a friend in another city. But when he didn't recognize my voice and asked me who I was, I turned speechless in shock. I realized that I was excommunicated from his mobile even without any romantic involvement. 

Adding and deleting people from ones phone book may sound simple, but every entry in my phonebook has an emotional experience behind it. While I know what gets people a place on my phonebook, I had no idea what obligations I had to meet to get on their phones and get them to answer my texts and calls. 

At 40, romance and sex seemed like aquaregia dissolving relationships with and without sex. 

Alexa, Quelle est la pensée Richy?

If you are still single at my age (late 30s to early 40s) getting laid is relatively simple and a realistic ambition easily satisfied by Grindr, Scruff, etc. But if you are looking to find a partner then it can turn out to be a tricky and tough search. The 20 and 30 year olds prefer boys of their age, while those around my age are either settled or still hoping to catch a younger rainbow or may have given up on their search; simply not looking and not interested.

Living my 20s away from home getting educated, spending my 30s back with my family and attending to their needs, and now at the start of my 40 I have a burning desire to settle down with my man. Despite two failed attempts: one in my late-twenties and other in my mid-thirties, I am still optimistic with caution. 

On one of my trips more than three years ago to Paris, I met someone interesting. We connected and stayed in touch after I went back and six months later my work moved me to Paris. I felt my prayers were heard and that I was getting an opportunity to live in with someone again. But a week before I got here my hope came crashing when he told that he was not living with a roommate, but it was his partner for 18 years and they were getting ready to split up and move out. 

As much as I wanted him, I wanted him to have a clean break and some cooling time before we started seeing. I put out the relationship flame immediately and two and half years later, we ended up being good friends after an initial period of silence. He continues to live with his partner and is in the look out for an apartment to move out on his own. Secrets and living in with a partner and calling him a roommate are both dangerous. 

As a result of being single for the last three years and optimistic, every time when I come across eligible, available, smart and single men, my heart mildly fibrillates in hope and not in desperation. I ask myself what do I need to do to get this man? I don't ask this in a consumeristic way, but as individual yearning to know the person, work hard to prove my worthiness and eventually have him end by single hood. Isn't that a reasonable desire with commitment to work hard? 

I didn't go to Ptown with an ambition to find somebody, but he seemed special among group in the resort. It was definitely not love at first sight, but I cannot deny the attraction. The time we spent discovering the city, going on shopping trips and dancing together helped us slowly discover our personalities, interests and answer other questions we had on our mind about each other.

The walks, shopping trips and tea dance we did together during the next two days helped us discover our personalities. And when he told me that he was going back for a few days, my heart sank, but came back up like a buoy when he announced that would he back in Boatslip in the middle of the week and in time for the carnival. 

The three days when he was away felt like weeks apart and we texted back and forth to convey our feelings from being apart and our eagerness to meet soon. He is funny, intellectual, and very much my type and age: checking all my boxes, but does it mean that he is available and looking? And I was in the U.S. and in Ptown on vacation, so does this mean that it is going to be a fling or a summer romance set in Ptown?

I had no idea what was running on his mind, but I gave myself the freedom to enjoy the newly discovered and fresh love that was coming my way after a three year self-imposed hiatus. Before we both realized, the mutual attraction pushed the boundaries of intimacy: spending our time together, from taking showers, hanging out to sleeping at night together. One of my friends even commented that we were now staring to behave like lesbians and an engagement ring and U Haul truck wasn't far away.

The five days of courting and hanging out together from dawn until dusk convinced us of our attraction, but will it sustain a week-long separation was the question. I woke up early on that morning and found Rich's arms around me, that was definitely a sign of endearment. Don't you agree? I slowly extricated myself while he was still asleep and left a pillow in my place. But it was not long before Richy texted me asking where I was and soon joined me at the breakfast table near the lobby. At the breakfast table we shared our stories of life that reinforced the foundation of trust and explained our expectations.

Later that morning, he came all all the way to see me off at the ferry point to Boston. Had I known that I was going to meet someone as charming and affectionate as Richy, I would have not booked my tickets to visit my friends in the Mid-west, who would only be happy for me. But nevertheless, I went ahead with my trip and promised to stay in touch through messages, pictures and blogs. The one-week apart also gave us time to calm down our hormones and pragmatically reassess our feelings. Is forty the new twenty? 

And when I came back after a week, he was at Boston airport waiting to pick me up like a devoted partner. He re-established his love with a kiss on my lips and his right hand was holding my left hand while he steered his Volkswagen Rabbit for the next hour before it came to a halt at a restaurant in his neighborhood. A light meal concluded with a water melon mojito sorbet and mangue ananas creme brûlée became an appetizer for what we ended up serving each other in bed.

I came back to this city after a gap of 12 years, while my prospective boyfriend from then was already paired up and happily settled. There was no comparison, unhappiness or peer pressure, but will Richy put an end to my perpetual bachelor hood for eternity?

That night I spooned to my left side so that Richy could hold me from behind; his touch was firm in a loving way. We slept peacefully after our union and Richy was asleep before I could close my eyes. We exchanged a dozen kisses before we got out of bed the next morning. As we stepped out of the room, he summoned Alexa, Amanzon's Echo to play wake up music. 

He quickly brushed and joined me in the shower and while we soaped each other we firmed up the plans for the day like a married couple. Before we left home he again summoned Alexa like a genie asking her for an update on weather. And without Alexa's help we checked on each other a few times during the day before I drove back to pick him up in the evening.

Our pact was to leave behind all that happened in Ptown back there, but what about things in Providence. It sounded surreal and like a fairytale to me. But how about him? What is running in his mind? If it was meant to be short lived why did his mind not turn into a wary wife leaving no chambre pour la bon moment et l'magnifique memoir du l'affaire? 

 

But why didn't the wife not intervene when we created memories in our shower, bed room and funny stories with Alexa? How about our shopping trips and romantic dinners or when I picked him up from work. Was she okay with this arrangement? Did she know it was going to be a short-lived summer novel set in Ptown or was she building our future together beginning in Providence? 

Finally, the wife came out when I gave him a thank you card appreciating his kindness and care. I thought she was going to let him display it on the counter next to the kitchen sink, but instead she made him leave the card aside like other old magazines in his living room. Are these cards like the many pairs shoes that filled his living room and closet at the entrance? 

Alexa knew the climate, but does she know the climax? Alexa, what do I decipher from this? Will Richy end my single hood? Does he have secrets like my French friend? Could you please find out his feelings and share them with me? Unfortunately, I found out while driving to the airport that Alexa doesn't work outside of the U.S. and I would have to get back to the U.S. to get her response. 

The Gay Pilgrimage

You could be participating in a quiz show and posed with a tricky million dollar question to name the city popularly referred to as the Gay pilgrimage. You have four choices to pick from: Las Vegas, San Francisco, Miami, Province Town. Are you ready to make the million dollar pick? While you ponder over the winning answer, let me give you a visual and verbal tour of this dream destination.

 

Visitors come to this city for a variety of reasons, filled with desires, dreams, and some come filled with curiosity to get under the skin of the city and in the sheets of people. Don't be scared yet! This beautiful ocean town with coastline on either side makes you wonder if this land was created by nature for the GLBTQ community. But way before these guys arrived the Pilgrims got here in the 17th century and A tall tower (a phallic symbol?) commemorating their landing at the centre of the city is visible from miles away. 

This coastline is home to huge mammals and humans. Did I say bears? :) This city doesn't distinguish or discriminate based on gender, race or sexual preference and gives everyone a space to share and care. When nature welcomes can there be an opportunity for discrimination?

Be it summer or winter this town hosts events and weeks to celebrate our likes and preferences: lesbian week, bear week, gay week, leather week, etc. And it also inspires straight people afraid of homosexuality to shed their prejudices and inhibitions and pick-up cupid's arrow to spread the message of love and peaceful coexistence. 

The Disneyland for LGBTQ

If you are from the LGBTQ community you don't have to be worried or threatened about letting your hair down or just being your silly and happy self. You can French kiss in the middle of the street, hold hands your partner hands, feel his/her ass in public, dress up in fancy costumes and express your libido, sexuality and creativity. Though same sex marriage is now legal in all 50 states in the U.S. this kind of freedom and independence to openly demonstrate ones love and affection in public is yet to spread across the nation. 

Many of the businesses in town are both owned and served by LGBTQ community and when you are addressed as honey, sweet heart, darling, etc. you feel inclusive, welcomed and loved. The stores here also offer a great variety of clothing to pick and choose from and sales are held during carnival time (usually third weekend in August) makes you look pretty without damaging your wallet. You will find some the best clothes and costumes to disarm the homophobic society of their prejudice. So, why spend your pink dollars elsewhere?

Beaches, Islands and Cuisine

You can swim in the waters of Atlantic and also catch the warm August sun to sport a gregous tan. A bicycle ride to the nude beaches: Long Point and Herring Cove offers a good cardio work out, while giving some an opportunity to show off their great bodies making many hearts skip a beat.

If you are in a mood to explore the ocean and its marine life then get on a trip to see the three exotic species: Minke, Humpback, and Fin whales that can turn you both into an ambassador for conservation and admirer of marine life for eternity. And, If you want to explore the nearby islands to south of the town, a quick ferry ride will make your feel Christopher Columbus. 

The exploration of the ocean and the islands may take you on a salivation trip with its fresh oysters, scallops, muscles, calamaris, clams, and cod fish (fruits de mer). And if you like them in a certain way then there are cuisines from around the world (Caribbean, Indian, Asian, etc.) that tingle your taste buds and make them taste even more exotic with their species and culinary techniques. For health freaks and weight-watchers there are also juice and smoothie bars to make you feel refreshed and fabulous. 

Clubs and Cubs 

Every culture has its Bollywood equivalent: from plays to musical shows to bars this town is self contained. Clubs like Shipwreck, Waves, Crown and A House offer peppy music and spacious dance floors, while piano bars and karaoke clubs provide a platform to showcase musical talents thereby extending your happiness until the wee hours of the morning. 

There is so much love in air that it can leave you intoxicated quickly. Don't be surprised if you hear a passerby asking you and your partner to take a room rather than making out in quiet and dark alleys or car parks. Leather and Macho bars also provide good venues for intoxication and naughtiness. For Cubs in search of Bears, dick dock (below the main deck at Boatslip) offers a play ground to get wild and wet at late night. Where you do it, always remember to play safe. 

The Best Show in town

The best show in the town is free and comes alive on the Carnival day every year. Curious visitors and public start to book their vantage spots on the side walk on Commercial Street since morning, while participants book their hotel rooms a year in advance to be bring color and creativity to the carnival. 

At the end of year carnival the next theme for the next year's carnival is announced. If the 2014 carnival brought alive Superheros like Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, etc. to life the 2015 rained candies turning the place into a candy land. A lot of effort and imagination goes into planning and preparing costumes which has the magical power to cure the straight world of their prejudices and inspire the queers to be proud of their innate gift. 

The D-day

The 2-hour parade that begins at around at 3pm from eastern end of the city traverses through Commercial Street before terminating at the western end. Like every parade, there is plenty of music, distribution of freebies, and thoughtful product placements and advertising and marketing. And surprisingly some who come to watch the parade also get inspired and sport costumes, dress up their pets adding more color and energy to the carnival thereby spreading the message of love and togetherness.

The parade culminates at Boatslip Resort where all participants meet, mingle, and network expressing their camaraderie. For those who still have energy to expend, can go to dance floor at Boatslip (referred to Tea Dance) and shake their muscles and bones to tunes. 

By the next morning the streets littered with candies, confetti and pamphlets from the carnival are cleaned up and normalcy returns to the town. Friends who came together for the carnival make a pact to return the following year before dispersing their way. New lovers who came together at the carnival from different cities depart with heavy heart and fond memories, and the lustful ones go in search of newer venues. 

So, did you figure out the million dollar answer yet? 

Pilgrimage: A Cure for Ignorance

Take a pilgrimage to Provincetown and experience the cape and its colorful carnival and get cured of your ignorance. For many in the LGBTQ community this experience feels like a second birth. It cures them of their fears and phobias and leaves them invigorated. But, what about the straight ones and their children? The carnival and the town can cure them of their homophobia and also educate and sensitize their children to same sex love to end discrimination and create an inclusive world. 

Only if you make it to the carnival and P-Town you will realize what the world would look like without LGBTQ community: colorless, pale, unidimensional, listless, and devoid of beauty. Make a resolve to come to Provincetown, enjoy the carnival, make new friends, feel like a million dollar, and spread the positive energy to create many more such inclusive towns, societies and carnivals around the world.