The last time I thought a relationship was when I boarded the train with
my belongings to Bangalore in 2018 to start a live-in relationship. I turned
cold feet the night before and I had to do a self-talk to make me feel
confident. I convinced myself that the probability of failure was 50% and if
things didn’t work out, I’ll pack my bags and get back to my base.
Only when I stumbled upon this article/questionnaire from The Guardian
on September 24th, I realized how amicable our separation had been, at least
for me. Our 6 year relationship came to an end after a 2.5 month living
together under the same roof post our decision to separate. While it may be
easier to find a rebound relationship, it is hard to find the next roof where
you can find your happiness and rebuild your life. I needed time to find a
place which can accelerate my healing. Every breakup is as much hard as
hard work, and it needs patience, clarity and maturity to ensure either of you
move on without much drama.
What did we do to make it
amicable?
As soon as we decided to break up, we started
sleeping in different bedrooms, doing activities on our own, commuting to work
and gym separately, socializing with different groups of friends, cooking
our individual meals, buying our grocery, doing solo trips and weekend getaways.
I didn’t realize it would be his last birthday
under the roof. As usual I got him a cake, and a meal for his birthday. I even
bought him one last gift...a custom-made t shirt that said, "More trees
less assholes".
I didn't want either of us to part ways with
regrets or guilt, unresolved feelings and carry our baggage into the next one.
So, I provided an opportunity for him to be heard, feel light and
emotionally enabled him to move on without any baggage or guilt. I forced him
to vent out his feelings, and unburden him pent up anger, frustration, and
complaints about me. I didn't hesitate to say sorry and thank you before
we said it was over. And that night and for the last time I slept next to
him holding hands, hugging each other, and letting him wrap his legs around
me. What we didn't have was goodbye sex, but to help him move on he
invited a stranger at 3 am for a hook up the weekend I wasn't home.
Friends and family can be a glue that keeps couples
together. So, I informed a few of our common friends and my family that we
are parting ways. While friends reacted with the standard phrase, I'm sorry...but
my mother was the only one who asked if she could speak to him. It was late for
anyone to intervene...and neither of us had the will to stay together.
It was my birthday two days prior to my move; he
chose not to wish me, and we spent very less time together. The morning after
wasn't awkward, we sat together for 10 minutes to review and settle shared
utility bills.
What made our separation
easier?
When we decided to live together, I did my fair
contribution in purchasing essential home appliances such as microwave, a
bigger refrigerator, recliner, and he got a bigger television set. And these
buys were tied to our anniversary milestone. While those that I bought came
with me, there were a few items we bought together, and we let each other pick
the ones we wanted to keep.
What was difficult to divide, or split were
friends. Some stayed with me, some stayed with him, and some didn’t want to
take either side. Fair enough, and I was prepared to start new friendships. And
to my surprise the new ones offered help to unpack, shop, and clean up
from the last party.
The moving out day can be emotional for all of
us. 5.5 years ago, I packed his bags and drove in a truck to our new house
and today I was doing it myself. While I felt anxious the night before,
thinking about the freedom and new life got me excited. He spent the weekend at
his friends, so he didn't have deal with my move out and ensured my freedom. As
a return for his kindness, I ensured he came to the house that was clean,
spotless and without my belongings, but I couldn't guarantee the house devoid
of memories.
Some people may have felt we had a perfect gay
relationship recipe for success and were living their dream life and through
this blog I sharing a decent playbook for ending it amicably.
While we may have been mean assholes in the relationship, but we ought
to be kind and decent at least in the end. Live and let live!
