What happens to you when you’re gay friend decides to get married to a woman? Does he continue to be your friend? Do you continue to be his friend? How do you re-define the friendship space?
More than a year ago I received an email from a FWB. I was rudely surprised when I got an email from him with the subject “Wedding Invitation”. Whenever we discussed topics like our future, male partners, loneliness, old age, and marriage, he was so sure he would never get married for convenience, for society or for his parents. And now there was a wedding invite from him. I didn’t take it seriously and thought it could be an invite for his brother’s wedding. Could it be a virus? Could it be a spam email? Every possibility ran in my mind. I mustered up courage and clicked on the subject and some more surprise unfolded.
The mail was marked to many others (FB, DF, FWB) and said he was getting married in Madurai on Sep 15. I opened the invite in awe and shock, but with a flickering hope that it could be prank. My eyes searched for his name, his father’s name and bride’s name on the invite. I even rechecked the date and venue. May be he was fooling around after tampering with an expired old invite in Photoshop. But it was all there in bold and red. I froze for a minute and replayed our conversations and decisions on marriage and how we guys could all stick together and care for each other. Now all that seemed far, distant and a big lie. It left me with one question - Can humans change their orientation and preference that easily? Was it due to undue pressure for family and society? Or was it a biological need? I couldn’t go back and talk him out of it, but atleast pray for his happiness and continue living with a hope that I would still be on his list of friends.
Losing a gay man to another gay man was something that I am used to, but losing to a woman was not acceptable. This is not the first time such a thing in happening to me. A good friend of mine in the US did the same a few years ago. He came to India to get married, but didn’t even inform me of his trip or marriage. One fine day he saw me online and told me that he was married, my heart just sank. I asked him when and he said it happened 6 months ago. I asked him where and he said India. I didn’t ask him anything more and the chat was punctuated with silence more than words.
More than disappointment, I felt hurt because I was kept in dark. Leave alone an invite for the wedding, I was not even worthy of an information. How will we define our space and friendship? But then he was clear, he didn’t want to remember his past life and friendships and he wanted to put an end to it. That was the last chat we had and his marriage was the funeral of our friendship.
I closed the e-invite in disappointment and loss. More than what bothered me was the text below the first few lines of the invite. He said he is sending this email as a FYI and not an invite. He said he will not be accessing this email anymore and his phone number was already changed. I could not believe my eyes. Is he out of his mind? Why would I trouble him after his marriage? Can’t we still remain friends? I closed the email and again opened to make sure I was hallucinating. But it was in black and white and our friendship was “Shift + Delete”. It was an irrecoverable loss, and friendship.
Am I such a bad human being that he wants me out of his life? Isn’t it easy to say good-bye to people through email and walk away turning your back at them and your past? I felt like a cigarette and marijuana, I gave them happiness and at the end of it I was stomped. Rather than going through this grill mill every time, I have told me friends who are getting wedded to send me just an email with just the subject “I am getting married” and I will instantly rearrange my life.
Sometimes the shortest distance between two gay man is never a straight line, it is devious, long and abruprt. Anything that you can’t share it with family will always remain in dark and what happens in dark…stays in dark…
99 out of 100 times gay men are hurt by their own community more than st8 men and women and rest of the community. There is no use holding pride parades and talking about gay rights if you cant treat your own community with respect and love.
It is time to move on…..
4 comments:
Even in the straight world it is not at all uncommon for people to prefer a 'clean break'. Yes, they do send an email and walk away forever. I witness it all around me....from high school romances where sex was not even involved to more involved pre-marital relationships. Personally i do feel that once 2 people have been 'more than friends', the talk/act of being 'just friends' is a slimy slippery slope.
What makes this case raise eyebrows is that you talk of the guy being a FWB...yes, why then, I too wonder. Put in down to individual differences in level of emotional maturity/capacity for trust etc and let it pass. Surely he is not the kind of gay who will join gay pride even with a mask.
It is indeed for long debated on how do we deal with such situations,
I did have two of my very close friends who have done the same. What I am surprised here is that, when your second friend walked away with that last e-mail!
Marriage does not change one's orientation!
How I wish I could spell that loud and clear to all the people who think so.
As much as I appreciate your write-up, I would always wish the people of the community can stand up for themselves someday!
The journey is indeed tough, but the destination of being yourself is definitely a thrilling climax.
Ask me, I still am traveling the rough road! :-)
I'm surprised at the clarity with which we can assume that the sexual orientation of someone is strictly homosexual. Why do we discount the possibility that, at least in some of the cases, the attractions of these men are not limited to men but encompass women as well? The problem is that 'evidence of attraction to the same sex' is NOT 'evidence of lack of attraction to the opposite sex'. There are so many reasons single men whose attractions include both men and women, preferentially seek out other men - they are easier to access, fewer strings attached, none of the risks attached with being seen with an unmarried woman in North Mada street and having mami tongues wagging.
I do wish people, both men and women, whose attractions include both sexes, would have the courage to come out to the prospective partners (of either sex) about their bisexuality, but in a homophobic society biphobia appears to be a given.
I agree with the writer... And surely if we check write there are people who are interested in both the sexes... And at one point of time with the peer pressure and the social commitments and sophistication of the so called culture is directing them to do that.. Hey writer.. Don't worry they are sure note in the happy world... I am not cursing those who have done but what i am saying is they are now having guilty of cheating the wife and sometimes couldn't able to satisfy her also... And can't think of coming back cuz u might have tangled already in the strings of responsibilities of the rat race... Who cares.. It's good that you brought it up buddy... Eye opener for some and feeling of "Oh shit I should have read it a bit earlier for some truely" Hi hi hi.... To be frank one of those referred me to this.. he he he.. have fun... Happy gay... happy life...
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