I left America 10 years ago and
back then I hadn’t even visited gay bars, saunas and hadn’t even thought of a
relationship with a man. And 10 years later, after 2 fulfilling relationships, a
million miles accrued from sleeping around, visiting gay bars and saunas across
the world, a backpack full of lessons and experiences that revealed more of my
personality and character, I landed back on the soil built on freedom and
liberty for some new learning. And to my surprise I discover that gay men in the
land of freedom and liberty live and repeat the same clichés that gay men in
Indian cities do…. So what are they?
Cliché 1: Gay men in this city suck!
I asked few of my friends and new
acquaintances on the gay dating scene in the city and their plans to settle
down with a man of their choice. Is there a Cliff notes out there on such
frequently asked questions? Well their answers bewildered me. “I don’t meet
anyone from this city,” said one and when I prodded further the other one said,
“Gay men in this city are more often confused, all-over the place and are not
sure what they want and as a result the dating game turns into a mind game. I
don’t see my man in this city and I have to either move out or stay single in
the city”.
We have heard psychologist write on Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, but do they know where gay men are
from?
Cliché 2: Sad, bitter, and lonely!
There is one common gay flavor
across the world, and it often smells of sadness, bitterness and loneliness. I
don’t know if I should call this a curse or a cliché.
I
thought they must have gone around the block, learnt their lessons and must be
ready to settle down by the time they reach their mid thirties. And I was surprised when their bandages dissolved over a
few drinks the alcohol and exposed their wounds and scars deep below.
One said he realized that he is
not a relationship material and is prepared to live a “lone wolf” for the rest
of his life. The other said he has lost hope to find love in life and has
signed up for a life with a fag hag. And the last one other said if he doesn’t
find love by 40 he would move in and start living with his gay friends. What do
you call these people, pragmatic, practical and pessimistic?
These are men in the Castro area
in San Francisco, who had left their country to finding it difficult to manage
their gay identity and lifestyle. But far away from home their lives were still
painted with melancholy and misery.
A few wrong meetings, a few bad
decisions, a few failures and disappointments definitely seem to push gay men
and down into bunkers of sullenness, grief and misery.
But where do I find gay men who
are really contended, happy, peaceful, clear, and who are devoid of sourness,
baggage and drama? Drop me a line if you find their coordinates….
Cliché 3: Waiting for the best!
While the sad, bitter and lonely belong to one end of the spectrum, there are the “stupidly optimistic” on the other
end. It is good to know what you want, but sometimes it is unreasonable to have
lofty expectations and foolishly throw away worthy ones hoping that the best is yet to
arrive.
These men have unreasonable
demands, foolish expectations, relentlessly play the field and constantly go on
the trip looking for their prince charming and picture perfect and dismissing
their discoveries to be mortal pond frogs.
I am not asking them to settle
for less or go for a compromise, but there is a big difference between being
stupidly optimistic and foolishly pessimistic.
The above responses pretty much
matched with the responses that I heard back from my friends/acquaintances in
West Asia, and South East Asia, where there is not a lot of freedom and liberty
for gay men. All of them extinguished the lighthouse hope I had on the land of
freedom and liberty. May be freedom and liberty guarantees clichés and not
clarity?
We all know that it takes one of every kind to make this world colorful; however, being gay can sometimes be as much a cliché like poverty, unemployment, ailments, and illiteracy.
