Flower power

We are colleagues and we’ve known each other for just over 2 months and she waited for the moon to come up and then invited me to the terrace. By then most of the office was empty. Her long hair was touching the parapet wall and I was imaging a Cleopatra on the balcony. I didn’t know what to expect but it felt like walking into the doctor’s room to discuss my blood sample result. I’m not sure what followed was an information, proposition or a confession or all of the above? She said she was not looking at me as just another colleague and she had a “thing” for me. The very moment I heard this I lost my hearing and my heart was in my mouth. I felt dizzy and moved away from the parapet wall.

I looked into her eyes and the storm was brewing. She broke down and summarized her 5 year old married life in just three words “on the rocks”. I was not sure if all this was true but felt like in a state of inebriety. Inebriety from the flower power?
Truly looking back at my interactions with her, there was no flirtation, no sexual overtones and no everything that straight men do to attract women. We discuss blogs, books, movies, music and at time scamper on office gossip. Does all this make me and other gay men attractive cand(y)dates?

She is the fifth friend and the second of married women who have openly expressed their attraction for me. Both of them had a not so good marriage. What is with gay men and women in a bad marriage? Why is it these women still get attracted to men after their bad experiences? Do we share the same complains about men? Does misery loves company?

The first time a married colleague approached expressing her feelings for me I was shocked and labeled her a “strumpet”. But after few experiences I could relate to their desperation for good and light hearted men. Over the years I’ve found that we are running the same race; we are chasing the same men, the men who are ruthless, heartless and animal. Am I sounding like Desperate housewives?

It is just not married women who’ve approached even unwed women find me attractive. Am I adonis? Am I “chick magnet”? Am I loaded with cash? I am just an ordinary looking guy, will just normal IQ laced with arrogance and still these women are drawn towards me? Is it just me or is it the flower power of gay men? I have done a lot of activities with my unwed women friends who’ve proposed to me. We’ve watched chick flicks together, we enjoy the similar kind of sitcoms ( SATC, Desp Housewives), we enjoy pastel colors, craft work, enjoy cooking, cleaning iced bitching.

I may have disappointed half a dozen women who’ve proposed to me, but I have never used and abused them. I felt like holding her hand, giving her a warm hug and assuring her of my friendship for life. May be I could confess to her my side of the story and forge a bilateral fag hag alliance. May be I could share with her my heartbreak stories, one night stands, and tales from the treacherous gay world. I was afraid of her reaction and I didn’t want my sexuality to curdle our professional relationship.

I have known a few friends who’ve come out to their women friends and colleagues. And they swear it was the easy and women were more accepting and understanding than their men. Is it because our hormones are not overpowering, drowning and coming across strongly? We don’t come across as those powerful men who go around them like a merry go round and vanish after the ride. All said and done, we are gentle and genteel. BTW, isn’ that flower power?

Sexploration

Atleast most gay men that I know are highly creative, extremely talented, and with a sharp sense of focus to excel, but for these folks relationships are like walking on egg shells. Sounds like Asperger’s syndrome, huh? People with Asperger’s may have superior intelligence and verbal skills, and they often have an obsessive interest in a particular topic. May be “Sex”? But they tend to be self-defeatingly awkward in social situations, and romantic relationships can leave them at sea. This leaves me thinking…Are gay men romantically challenged? Is romantically challenged a neurological disorder? Is it a life about a disability for gay men? Wow!

Under the pretext of friendship they usually end up crossing territories, get entangled in the web of relationship, mangling relationships and finally end up hurting each other and burning bridges beyond repair and salvage. And by the time they hit their 30s there is only fear and cynicism, and there is one friend “loneliness” along with dregs of rejections, insecurity and failed relationships. How many relationships hoops have you passed through? How many bridges of friendships have you burnt? Sounds you like? or many others that you know in our community? If you were given another chance, would you do things differently this time?

Sometimes I wonder why gay men mix sex and friendship. Though it appears like milk and coffee, but in reality it is milk and salt. A 10 year long friendship carefully handpicked and nurtured turned sour when my friend trespassed and sexplored. What does exploration of the body do to friendship? Does it build a sense of commitment and ownership? Why do most friendships see the grave after exploration? Does familiarity breed contempt?

A few months of exploration took them into unchartered territories without any rules of engagement. The relationship reached a point of comfort that his friend started to leave his tooth brush, personal grooming products and under garments at my friends place. My friends had no clue where this relationship was headed. Nothing was planned this way, but now my friend was confronted with a riddle to solve. My friend was ready to graduate this to LTR (a committed relationship with a time stamp that neither party knows when it endsJ). When he asked his friend if they could take this relationship to the next level, there was strong resistance and extended silence. It was clear that he was not ready for any relationship and all these weekend stays was just casual sex for fun and nothing more. Leaving behind toiletries was more of comfort than for anything concrete and committed. Well who would not enjoy any strings attached, and who would turn down friends with benefits?

My friend says things were not same anymore. The emotional bonding, mental chemistry, trust, and comfort all went out window and brought in the bad air of obsession, possessiveness, distrust and complexity. A calm sea turn suddenly turned choppy and frothy. The shortest distance between two friends that was once straight was now mangled and entangled in the web of emotions.

Some explore others mind with their body, while some explore others body with their mind. The mind and body combination seems deadly enough to curdle relationships. Can’t two gay men have a platonic relationship? Can’t they have a friendship without sexploration? Why should they look at each other as objects of enjoyment? Should they have to get physically intimate to sow the seed of friendship?

My friend’s close pal moved back from US to Chennai and my friend wanted me to meet up with him casually. Sometimes I wonder if friends experiment by keeping cotton and fire together. I met the guy at a neutral venue for coffee and the conversation went really well. There was nothing odd, suspicious or salacious. He seemed decent, sorted and knew his boundaries. Over the next week there was a flurry of emails and SMS from him and finally came an invite to visit his place. In the past I have met gay men who don’t want to get to know you and will instantly shut down the chat window they see your picture.

The conversation that started straight and normal soon turned awkward and meaty. The extra long passes and flattering comments of my forearms and triceps made me wiggle in my chair. Now I was wary of his intentions. Was he expecting a “Welcome Home fuck?”

The next was really predictable. Want to take a guess? He wanted to check out if I had a six pack and if I gave him some space he wanted to go below the belt. I was being poked at like the bakra hanging upside in a meat stall. I knew where this engagement was headed and quickly reached for the door. The farm land was ploughed but no seed of friendship was sown. Is prowling and preying a part of the friendship game?

Some reactions are just irreversible and the journey takes you to Bermuda triangle. In the following weeks like the farmers of Vidharba I waited looking at my mobile and mail box. I tried to reach out to him, but I don’t know if he was guilty or hurt, but the friendship never blossomed. Now I was punished for not sailing beyond the boundaries.

In the first case the friendship was lost because of exploration and in the next one the seed of friendship never sprouted because there was no mining below the belt. And often I have heard cases where friendships are born out of exploration and continue to stay pink and gay. Nobody seems to know where and when to explore beyond the boundaries of friendship. What do they want from a relationship? Where to exercise caution? What are the rules of engagement? What are the repercussions of trespassing? Are we unfaithful as friends? Are we romantically challenged? Are we meat eaters or addicts?

Often gay men don’t share great relationship with their fathers, brothers and even sometimes with their straight friends because of their orientation and the only fallback are “friends”. And friends go beyond family, and they are often most trusted companions when it comes to confiding their fears and secrets, sound board when it comes opening their heart and mind and finally an emotional sponge when it comes to comforting the broken heart. And surprisingly 99 out of 100 times gay men are hurt by their own community than straight counterparts.

So next time before you Sexplore think… Is it difficult to be simple and straight? Don’t let lust kill love and friendship.