Forgiveness is last act in the process of realizing and owning up a mistake or a crime and sincerely seeking atonement. And it is purely the volition of the other party to offer clemency or punish.
I met someone from my past yesterday and neither of us expected to come face-to-face with each other. Not sure if he remembers the incident and considers what he did to me at age of 3 as a heinous crime. My memory travels back to 1978. I remember him as a athletic, tall, dark and my mother had engaged him as a male nanny to take care of me and my two siblings.
I was a helpless three year old infant then and I remember only one instance of violation. He took me to the terrace and shoved his dark, uncut, and big phallus into my mouth. I had no clue what was being done to me until a few years ago, when I read articles in newspapers talking about adults entrusted with responsibility to care and protect violating innocence of children - child sexual abuse.
At the age of five we all moved from country side to the city to start our schooling and my mother brought him along with us and got him a job in the city. Don't know why we never saw him and why he never came up in our conversations; but now life (read as karma) was doing a full circle reminding us of the incident and bringing us face-to-face.
We had a prayer gathering yesterday morning and a group of men and women had come home to do the chants. One of the men in the group wanted to know more about our ancestry and while I was sharing the details, a woman in the group was keenly making a note what I said. Half hour after lunch she came back with her husband who introduced himself as the nanny who looked after us 35 years ago.
I never expected to see him again in my life because there was nothing to be resolved at my end. Was it his wife's prayer that got him to my place or was it his karma from the past that was pushing him towards resolving and absolving it? Is it his pay day?
He stormed into the house with excitement and called out our names to validate if it is the same family. Not sure if he was expecting us to come running towards him, but I lowered the newspaper, looked at him with a surprise and acknowledged his call. He introduced himself and reminded me about his nanny role, while I recollected what he did to me.
I quickly compared him now and then; his physical appearance had changed so much over three decades, but the skin color was still unchanged. Now, he wore a spectacle, colored his grey hair black and also sported a big tummy. May be after effects of marriage, responsibility of educating two girls and driving around a city bus and caring for passengers in it and for people on the road? How about including guilt from abusing me as a child?
Refusing to sit besides me, he reminiscenced my childhood days and pranks standing a feet away from me. I was not expecting him narrate "that incident" but he kept asking why I was not married and not taking the genetic legacy forward. Had I got an opportunity to speak to him in private, I would have told him I am gay (without blaming him for it) and definitely would have reminded him of the incident and asked him for an explanation for his behavior then. I would have also asked him if he was a serial offender or was it just me?
Fortunately, unlike many other child abuse victims who carry anger, a sense of violation, low self esteem, and a deep scar, I had no trace of any such emotions in me except graphical memories of the incident in black and white. I understand that homosexuality is genetically imprinted and not a result of child abuse, and I don't blame him for my sexuality/single hood.
Did he walk into my house to confess, express his remorse and seek forgiveness? No! Though karma was giving him an opportunity to confess, seek forgiveness and get rid of his guilt, he had not reached the point yet. Let's not forget that one's own conscience has the power to conduct a fair trial, judge and punish the sinned soul.
Though I would like to volunteer when it comes forgiveness, I had done that to both my ex's in the past; I didn't notice any signs of regret, guilt, or intention to seek forgiveness in the 55 year old man. Also the 3 year old in me is not willing to offer forgiveness, without a confession! For now, the judgement is adjourned...
