The meanest on earth
Today as I trudge back to an empty house and
there is radio silence, but it does not make me uncomfortable, and I do not
feel like an unwanted person in the house. I neither shop for stuff that I cannot eat nor share instructions on how to soak and wash fruits
and vegetables to get rid of pesticides.
Moreover, I do not have to be vigilant about vegetarian
cooking utensils being used for cooking meat and have to inspect washed vessels
food remains, which has earned me the title “The meanest person on earth.”
These days I listen to more chants, classical music and talk shows while
cooking and go easy on spice and salt.
I am only responsible for myself
While living alone comes with responsibilities,
I do not have to play the head of housekeeping and assign responsibilities to
keep the floors, toilets and basins clean. Today, I am my own staff and I keep
an eye on the laundry basket to plan washing loads, drop off clothes for
ironing and ensure bed sheets are sheets are clean and house smells good.
Decision making is easier!
In a city where traffic can hold us hostages on
the roads for hours, I do not have to synchronize our work calendars to get to
office and back home. I can choose to skip gym, go for a movie, catch up with a
colleague, plan my weekends and socialize with anyone I want and invite people
home for a meal without consultation or convincing.
It is hard
While same letters are in the words partner and
parent and I do not play either of the roles anymore. Both responsibilities are
hard, and we end up feeling lonely as an orphan when we relinquish them.
I am enjoying my 8 hours of peaceful sleep as
the room does not get direct sunlight, but I miss woken up by his snore and
nightmares. While there was limited room in the bed then, it made me feel
safer. Today, the bed is half empty, and I use it to rest my thoughts and
memories of us. I fall asleep trying to answer the two questions – how did this
happen and why did he leave me?
I am not missing those hugs he never gave me
while he sat behind me on the bike, but I miss those hugs he gave me when I was
unwell. I miss those conversations we have had when life threw curve balls at
us and the plan B’s we hatched together.
I miss the joy of cooking his favorite dishes
and tasting his baking experiments. With year-end around the corner, I miss
planning our vacations and getaways. I miss those arguments we have had no
politics, cinema, religion, cuisine, etc.
Sometimes anger and money loses its value. I can no longer buy him gifts or take him out for meals; and cannot get angry at him for being delinquent on home chores.
Steve Jobs once said: "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
Someday I hope to find answers as to why we meet people, how we turn a stranger into the meaning of our life, and how parting ways turns them into a stranger again and making life into a riddle.
It is hard to love and lose and it is harder to live and not
love.
