Bible was not written in the age of test tube babies, cloning and surrogacy and hence people who live by it may never accept Adam and Steve’s union as a marriage, but American dictionaries in their next reprint will have to amend their definition of marriage. Yes, the Supreme Court of America has finally delivered a landmark verdict recognizing same-sex union as a marriage, thereby giving Adam and Steve the same rights as Adam and Eve.
Does the verdict also imply that the tenets of heterosexual marriage: practicing safe sex, staying committed, be there for each other in the times of happiness and sorrow, keeping it a monogamous relationship, taking responsibility for their children, etc. also apply to same-sex marriages?
For now let set aside the topic on rights, recognition, and marriage and go back to the topic on safety, responsibility and hygiene. Irrespective of the type of marriage (between members of same-sex or opposite sex) every marriage needs to be protected, safety and hygiene needs to be part of the grammar of life so that both (read as all or many) parties can sustain the happiness, unison and good health forever.
It has been over 30 year since HIV epidemic struck the gay community and the advancement in antiretroviral therapy has turned the epidemic into a chronic, but manageable disease, thereby giving the community another chance to living. Does that mean we can engage in irresponsible sex with the hope that advancement in science and medicine will take care of our negligence?
After our fourth conversation, Atul revealed his status. I didn’t ask him for his status, but he shared it because he felt comfortable and that I wouldn’t turn that information into an epidemic. Atul and I lived in two different cities and there was no immediate opportunity for us to meet, but nevertheless he shared a piece of information that I have hardly heard anyone from the gay community share with me in the 25 years.
The US Supreme Court verdict may now put the don’t ask, don’t tell policy (DADT) to rest, but nevertheless many gay men seem to be actively practicing the DADT policy when it comes to revealing their HIV status. I didn’t want to ask him too many questions over the phone in the first week, but rather wanted to build trust before I prod him further.
Go on any of the gay networking sites (PR, Grindr, Scruff, etc.), like a market most of them declare their relationship status (dating, committed, in relationship, open relationship, etc.), what they are willing to trade and what they seek, but none of them update their HIV status or reveal the last time they got tested. Doesn’t that say a lot about gay men? We seek pleasure without safety and we rarely get tested and seldom exchange information about each other’s HIV status. Isn’t that similar to racing a car without going through the controls and wearing a seat belt?
And one day when I finally arrived in Atul’s city, I texted him to find time to meet me for a coffee. Though we had not been in touch for a few weeks, Atul promptly agreed and was on-time for the catch-up. The conversation began with an apology for his mood swings and then turned quiet. I decided to have a conversation about his “coveted” status, discovery, ongoing treatment and the emotional turmoil.
Not all discoveries are pleasurable
Atul had just turned 28 the week before, and at the age of 25 he was gifted a bug that was never on his wish list. When I asked him about the source, Atul turned irate and asked me to back-off and not rake up the past. Not all discoveries are pleasurable and often there is only pain when it comes to sharing those unpleasant discoveries.
Not only had the cool breeze and monsoon showers had cooled the earth, but also cooled down furious Atul. He voluntarily came forward to the same place where he had asked me to back-off and shared details about his discovery, how he temporarily withdrew himself from the “gay” community and ran from clinic to clinic, spending his evenings with doctors discussing about his treatment options, and facing the consequence of his irresponsible behavior without being unable to seek support from his family.
Atul discovered swollen lymph nodes and sadly Google was his only friend he could rely to quench is fear and anxiety. But then Google revealed so many possibilities for swollen lymph nodes and Atul had no option but to consult a doctor. Multiple tests and initial diagnosis revealed that he may have TB. But then Atul decided to consult another doctor, who recommended that he undergo the HIV test.
Nailing source and the bug
And when the results came out positive, Atul called up the last guy he had been with before he slept with his partner and the conversation turned into a verbal brawl when the guy revealed that he was HIV positive. Atul nailed the origin, while the doctor nailed the bug and laid out treatment options before him and counseled him to reveal his status to those he was sexually intimate within the past and in the future.
When I asked Atul if he practiced unprotected sex with that night, he drew a blank. He said he smoked weed and as a result passed out and couldn’t recall anything beyond. I also asked Atul why he can’t have contracted the bug from some other person, and not this guy. Atul said the guy had left so many hints at his home and when confronted he finally confessed that he is positive.
Isn’t it the duty of everyone to play safe and reveal your HIV status before engaging in intimate sex? If Atul had played safe and the other person had revealed his status, this painful discovery and living with a secretive bug for life with a hope that medicines would keep it under check .
Giving a new status to their relationship
Atul’s was in a relationship when all this happened and the only fling on the side gave him a new status for life. Not only did it give him a new status, but also his partner.
Soon after Atul’s discovery his partner moved to a different city and one day he received a call from his partner. The partner revealed similar symptoms, and Atul asked him to get tested for HIV. Atul was nervous about his partner’s results, and when it came out to be positive, Atul confessed that he had passed on the bug. When his partner asked Atul if he had unprotected sex with strangers, Atul confessed to the slip just that one time and that one night.
Ever since Atul contracted the bug, his relationship with his partner and the supposedly one night stand turned sour. Fights, tear, anger, disappointment, arguments soon tore their relationship apart, but the bug kept them together and left all them with same status for life.
I stood up and hugged Atul without any fear and applauded his courage and arduous journey since 25. I sat down with more questions for him. Atul again got mad at me when I asked about the guy who gave him the bug, but then he softened and revealed little information. It seems the guy knew his status but was in denial and never took any medication to treat the virus. As a result the virus suppressed his immunity and he succumbed to a simple fever. Atul had no idea that this guy had passed away. A year after he contracted, he went back to make peace with the guy who gave him this gift.
And when Atul arrived at his apartment, the watchman told him that the guy passed away a year ago after a brief hospitalization for fever. Atul was shocked to hear about his death and trudged home that evening with a heavy heart. That one night, ended his relationship with his partner, infected his partner and now a year later he finds out that the guy who he engaged was dead.
“My ex and I have made peace and we provide emotional support to each other, but I know the bug will get us some day. But hope there is some time left for us to make peace with the bug”, concluded Atul.
