Hangover and Hangout

Many of us have desires, but only a few of us have the guts to confess and a few within that have the guts to act. Here is a chat excerpt that I had with a dear friend living in a far away land! 

JV: How the fuck do I seduce a guy reporting to me? I find him so attractive.

Me: Do really you find him attractive? Ask yourself, WWSD: What would Samanatha do?

JV: Is this Samantha from SATC?

Me: Hell yes!

JV: Listen, he is cute and definitely worth a shagg!

Me: Playing with colleagues is not worth it honey.

JV: He sits right next to me and I must make use of every opportunity to feel him up.

Me: No, wait that will be harassment at work place. BTW, is he an Indian or a localite?

JV: He is an Indian and from Odisha.

Me: Let it not be like a dream gone wrong in school days. Remember how embarrassed we felt when our gay side was exposed in school?

JV: No dreams darling, just a shagg, period. Should I try your Omar Grindr* trick on him?

(*Omar Grindr – Grindr is an iphone app to pick up gay men. Omar is a Pakistani guy we met on our travel. He is cut(e)! To verify if he was straight or gay I asked if he was on Grindr and we confirmed he was straight when question marks appeared on eyes. )

Me: Lol!

JV: I have a feeling he has a big one.

Me: Before you are lured by the size and you make your moves, you need to find out if he is into men.

JV: I don’t think so. He is straight as an arrow and has to be converted (manamatram like madhamatram)

Me: Well then try the oldest trick in the book. Get him drink and then find your way through.

JV: That sounds like a plausible one. I must wank him off after he gets sloshed. I don’t think this guy even drinks and he seems like a baby. It is the first time he is travelling outside of India and he only talks about Puri Jagannath.

Me: Then you need to juggernaut him and show him your own version of raunch yatra. Hope it doesn’t turn out to be a wrath yatra later.

JV: When he eats a snack he litters everywhere, such a slob! But he is rounded, pretty tall, fair and baby face.

Me: Oh I didn’t know preyed on Ganesha.

JV: If I were into Ganesha then I should have had Math teacher for breakfast.

Me: Should you call your colleague, golgappa and pop the top, fill it with the liquid and send it down your throat. 

Me: Here is my idea for you. Doesn’t matter straight or gay, men or women, alcohol is a moral lubricant. So ask him if he is a social drinker.

JV: The problem is I don’t have a place to host him a drink and he stays at the company guest house.

Me: Take him to a bar, get him drunk and feel Ganesha’s trunk.

JV: How exactly do you do that in a bar?

Me: You have to feel what you don’t see!

JV: Don’t talk like Nithyananda, give me a practical advice.

Me: Lol!

JV: I can’t do such things you know…seducing doesn’t come naturally to me….i’m such a gentleman J

Me: Come on darling, there is nothing genteel or gentle about men.

JV: I get turned on when he is around and I am definitely going to paw him before this project is over.

Me: Wow him, pav him or paw him, but let the alcohol go in first. After a few drinks alcohol erases long term memory and when he wakes up the next morning it will all be a daze and he will not know if it was a bad dream, fantasy or reality.

JV: Yes, even if he brings it up I could always say he begged me to do it and I was too drunk.

Me: Absolutely. So you don’t drink and you should encourage him to drink till he gets sloshed.

JV: Yes! What an idea sirj(i)!

Me: Well your iphone Siri is stupid assistant and she can’t give you such ideas.

Me: But have your plan b and exit strategy in place.

JV: What does that mean?

Me: If things don’t go as per your plan, you need to still win and get out.

JV: What do you suggest?

Me: Get him fully drunk and when he wants to pee go with him to the toilet and take a peek while he takes a leak. If you like it, then get to the next step, if not abandon.

JV: What if he doesn’t want to get intoxicated and doesn’t want to pee?

Me: Then create an accident with the drink (spill) and get his penis area wet and hurriedly take a tissue and wipe it off for him. You can use the emergency to feel his thingy. If you think his trunk is small, then you can dump him right then and there and you have nothing to lose.

JV: Who is thinking? Is it your penis or brain?

Me: Now you have plan b and an exit strategy together. I always rely on plan b and it has never failed. Btw, I have a married colleague and his lips are so inviting. I always get lost looking at him. He is tall, wheatish, in-shape and domesticated. I am sure pretty men have ugly penises, but I want his lips and but the lip balm may be a bonus.

Me: You there buddy? Did I lose you?

JV: Let’s convert everyone, but one man at a time! Ayindhil vilayadhathu aimbathil vilayum (what doesn’t bend at 5 will bend at 50)

Me: His wife and kids have gone on vacation and I have suggested to him that we should hang out together in the weekends. Will he hangout or will it hang out?

Me: Knock, knock, knock ….you there buddy? Did you bolt that door with your colleague next to you?