The Famous Five

People who we met, both offline and online, turn the act of consummation or one time fuck into an act of examination with barrage of questions. I marvel the depth of questions, their intent, and often wonder if this was a mind fuck before the real fuck? But sometimes, we all want to play along and give them responses that would make them feel accomplished, intelligent and powerful.

I shared the five questions we commonly ask men with Gayla, our gay relationship expert and sexpert, and requested her to share her sharp and titty and witty responses.

Q: How is the gay scene, given the fact that your city is small?

A: Honey, now I know you are a size queen. I haven’t comes across any study that correlates the size city to its gay scene. Mumbai doesn’t make gays sane and sorted and Nagpur doesn’t make gay men closeted and complicated. Irrespective of the place, country and society, gay men are the same world over. They are confused, yet claim they are sane and sorted, being married to a woman they lie they are single, they cheat on their boy friend by claiming they are in an open relationship, and it means they are looking for sex when they say they are looking for friendship. So sex, lies, drama are a standard menu in the gay world. Remember, the size of the city and size of the phallus has no correlation with satisfaction. So move on the next question. Intelligent one, please!

Q: What are you interests in bed?

A: Next to hobbies, this is the most direct and interesting question someone has ever asked me. And isn’t that the reason why we are talking? I only wish you are as intelligent and interesting as this question. If you need takers, turn into an aggressive bottom or a versatile top with interesting but not a parasite (read as bed bug).

Most men who claim to be Tops are predictable and not delectable. They are sexually inept and their high school hand jobs are awful, and sadly know nothing beyond shoving the hole. Most Bottoms in town are submissive and are ready for sodomy at the drop of the trouser and lay down in the bed like an Egyptian mummy. In between the predictable Tops and the submissive Bottoms are the other kinds that can offer you costumes fetish, golden showers, poppers, etc, and their variety is certain to send your hormones out of your body. So be the in-between and make men wise and teach them new vice, kinks and fetish, but under the blanket of mutual respect and on the pillow of reciprocation. Contact this blogger for more tips.

Q: Are you married or single?

A: You have to kiss a thousand frogs before you kiss the Prince or Princess. Even the Royal family doesn’t give a fuck when it comes to sex and relationship. Diana had her way with Dodi Al-Fayed while she was still a Princess and married to Charles. And Charles was riding Camilla Parker Bowles on the pre-text of riding the horse. We all know that mortality is high when it comes to morality and relationship have been tagged with “Its complicated” labels long before Facebook arrived.

So, if you are looking for a fuck and a fling, this question shouldn’t matter. If you are trying to make the other person feel guilty by asking my marital or relationship status, understand, it doesn’t get you far. Don’t be a Shobha De and search for a partner where your kids and his kids can play together with your kids. Btw, didn’t you read the title of this blog? The blogger claims to be single and fabulous! Check him out.

Q: What do you do for a living? Where do you work?

A: My profession may not sound as interesting as me, but I understand some people have fetish for men in uniforms like Doctors, Sailors, Scientists, Firemen, Police, Truck drivers, Actors, etc. The first part of the question is very much answerable and can make you feel powerful, excited and push you to engage in power sex. While the second part of the question is like leaving my name and number in the toilet at my work place. In the past, when I disclosed my work place, I have had people drop names of my colleagues who’ve dropped their pants for them. This information is as both invasion of privacy and very scandalous. I know information is power, but I never entertain and enterstain Julian Assanges and Sherlock Holmes of the gay world.

Q: Are you out or closeted?

A: I strongly believe closets are for cowards to hide their fears, smelly secrets, old clothes and torn shoes. But that doesn’t give you freedom to drag your pets to do the pride walk with you. But I definitely don’t advice you to take home fuck buddies and introduced them to your folks. Since folks never did their “sex talk or sex education” with me and don’t traumatize them with unnecessary details on who you do and what you do with them.

Remember, sex is a primal need and be comfortable with your sexuality and also every comfortable others being aware of it, though it is none of their business. And if people are not aware of it, believe their ignorance is bliss. Instead of worrying about people living in their closets, be Carrie Bradshaw and use your closets to increase your sex quotient or be Samantha and use their closets have sex, but don’t be Charlotte and snoop around for their skeletons.

Advice from Gayla: Ask intelligent questions that will bring about physiochemicobiological changes in the body of your men. And remember to love kink more than pink and it is easy to score with logic than comic!

PS: Please don’t befriend Gayla on Facebook. She is not willing to assume the role of a shrink or fag hag, instead chase good looking men, men in relationships, and with status messages that says Its Complicated and you may get lucky.