The Famous Five

People who we met, both offline and online, turn the act of consummation or one time fuck into an act of examination with barrage of questions. I marvel the depth of questions, their intent, and often wonder if this was a mind fuck before the real fuck? But sometimes, we all want to play along and give them responses that would make them feel accomplished, intelligent and powerful.

I shared the five questions we commonly ask men with Gayla, our gay relationship expert and sexpert, and requested her to share her sharp and titty and witty responses.

Q: How is the gay scene, given the fact that your city is small?

A: Honey, now I know you are a size queen. I haven’t comes across any study that correlates the size city to its gay scene. Mumbai doesn’t make gays sane and sorted and Nagpur doesn’t make gay men closeted and complicated. Irrespective of the place, country and society, gay men are the same world over. They are confused, yet claim they are sane and sorted, being married to a woman they lie they are single, they cheat on their boy friend by claiming they are in an open relationship, and it means they are looking for sex when they say they are looking for friendship. So sex, lies, drama are a standard menu in the gay world. Remember, the size of the city and size of the phallus has no correlation with satisfaction. So move on the next question. Intelligent one, please!

Q: What are you interests in bed?

A: Next to hobbies, this is the most direct and interesting question someone has ever asked me. And isn’t that the reason why we are talking? I only wish you are as intelligent and interesting as this question. If you need takers, turn into an aggressive bottom or a versatile top with interesting but not a parasite (read as bed bug).

Most men who claim to be Tops are predictable and not delectable. They are sexually inept and their high school hand jobs are awful, and sadly know nothing beyond shoving the hole. Most Bottoms in town are submissive and are ready for sodomy at the drop of the trouser and lay down in the bed like an Egyptian mummy. In between the predictable Tops and the submissive Bottoms are the other kinds that can offer you costumes fetish, golden showers, poppers, etc, and their variety is certain to send your hormones out of your body. So be the in-between and make men wise and teach them new vice, kinks and fetish, but under the blanket of mutual respect and on the pillow of reciprocation. Contact this blogger for more tips.

Q: Are you married or single?

A: You have to kiss a thousand frogs before you kiss the Prince or Princess. Even the Royal family doesn’t give a fuck when it comes to sex and relationship. Diana had her way with Dodi Al-Fayed while she was still a Princess and married to Charles. And Charles was riding Camilla Parker Bowles on the pre-text of riding the horse. We all know that mortality is high when it comes to morality and relationship have been tagged with “Its complicated” labels long before Facebook arrived.

So, if you are looking for a fuck and a fling, this question shouldn’t matter. If you are trying to make the other person feel guilty by asking my marital or relationship status, understand, it doesn’t get you far. Don’t be a Shobha De and search for a partner where your kids and his kids can play together with your kids. Btw, didn’t you read the title of this blog? The blogger claims to be single and fabulous! Check him out.

Q: What do you do for a living? Where do you work?

A: My profession may not sound as interesting as me, but I understand some people have fetish for men in uniforms like Doctors, Sailors, Scientists, Firemen, Police, Truck drivers, Actors, etc. The first part of the question is very much answerable and can make you feel powerful, excited and push you to engage in power sex. While the second part of the question is like leaving my name and number in the toilet at my work place. In the past, when I disclosed my work place, I have had people drop names of my colleagues who’ve dropped their pants for them. This information is as both invasion of privacy and very scandalous. I know information is power, but I never entertain and enterstain Julian Assanges and Sherlock Holmes of the gay world.

Q: Are you out or closeted?

A: I strongly believe closets are for cowards to hide their fears, smelly secrets, old clothes and torn shoes. But that doesn’t give you freedom to drag your pets to do the pride walk with you. But I definitely don’t advice you to take home fuck buddies and introduced them to your folks. Since folks never did their “sex talk or sex education” with me and don’t traumatize them with unnecessary details on who you do and what you do with them.

Remember, sex is a primal need and be comfortable with your sexuality and also every comfortable others being aware of it, though it is none of their business. And if people are not aware of it, believe their ignorance is bliss. Instead of worrying about people living in their closets, be Carrie Bradshaw and use your closets to increase your sex quotient or be Samantha and use their closets have sex, but don’t be Charlotte and snoop around for their skeletons.

Advice from Gayla: Ask intelligent questions that will bring about physiochemicobiological changes in the body of your men. And remember to love kink more than pink and it is easy to score with logic than comic!

PS: Please don’t befriend Gayla on Facebook. She is not willing to assume the role of a shrink or fag hag, instead chase good looking men, men in relationships, and with status messages that says Its Complicated and you may get lucky.

5 Car(di)nal rules to managing relationships

Headlines claim sane and sorted, profile descriptions say no drama and mind games, screaming post scripts say no pic no response and candid announcements tempts with an offer to trespass the boundaries of engagement for friendship and more for the right one! What a variety in physical, mental and emotional needs that comes with clear constraints and spelt out conditions spelt for the scrolling mouse and twiddling thumbs. Yet people fail to distinguish between the physical need and emotional need and end up relentlessly searching for one in another and waking up to pain from loneliness and disappointments from failure not just the morning after, but every passing morning.

Here are some rules that I follow to establish connections, qualify relationships, set expectations, and manage communications, and call it off.

Rule 1: Understand your needs, if you want to be understood!

Online portals and Smart Apps have made meeting and trading of meat easy, but you have to make our announcements loud and clear for a successful trade. You may be curious seeking test-ride, a married gay man looking to find a fuckbuddy, or traveling bloke looking to understand the local gay scene, whatever be it, state your needs clearly, define your negotiables and non-negotiables and how far you are willing to bend back backwards and bend over for a disappointment-free trade. You set wrong expectations the moment you break your trade rules. Define your needs and together set expectations for a long innings.

Rule 2: Be Samatha and not confused Carrie!

You don’t need friendship to yank out the sausage in his trouser. Friendship is born from patience, perseverance, mutual respect, earned trust and shared interests and values. And gay sex is born out of pure physical need and comes with or without repeat performances, no commitment and no satisfaction guaranteed sticker. Sex at one end of the spectrum sounds very casual and inviting, while friendship on the other end comes with responsibility. Sex can give rise to friendship, but the converse is seldom true. So, let sex be a chalk and friendship remain a cheese. Don’t be afraid to be Samatha and keep them away and separate!

Rule 3: Graduate relationships based on 3 Ps (purpose, performance, perseverance)

I am not a guy who plays the volume game on social networking sites. But I find it ridiculous to add people I meet online or that I meet for a casual fling to my mobile, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Why would I want to remember hook-ups unless they are good? Why do I want to store numbers with a “G” as a pre-fix or suffix in my phonebook? Why would I want to open up my online life to them? Why would I want to respond to their silly good morning, good night and forward text messages?

I find it is too much work to spring clean numbers of my fuckbuddies from mobile, Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk more than cleaning the stained bed sheets. I have a minimum one month wait time to add a number to my phone book, 1 year wait to add them to my gtalk and 3 years to add them to my Facebook. So simplify your life by wisely choosing your connections and communication medium. Get them in the queue and graduate them based on the purpose of the engagement, and their performance and perseverance.

Rule 4: Never mix cocktails with mock tails!

In my first relationship, my boy friend reached out to my colleague, confided in her and in the process outed me to her. In my next relationship, I got a call from my boy friend’s mother asking me to stay away from her son. In one of the gathering my gay friend’s nosey colleague wanted to know if I were gay and if I was seeing him. People are best managed when kept in silos because their tongues can be acerbic and congregation unpredictable. So restrict your colleagues to LinkedIn, friends and acquaintances to emails, close friends to Facebook, and keep family for face to face interactions.

Rule 5: Tell them when it is over!

Every relationship comes with an expiry tag as much as it comes with a role description and responsibility. You may be getting married, or you may have found a permanent fuck buddy or a boy friend, or you are ready to dissolve a friendship for having broken rules of engagement and trust. The key to managing successful relationships is to tell people know where they stand whether they have been upgraded or downgraded on the journey of life. Not everyone travels with us on the journey of life. It is natural and healthy for some to drop-off and for new ones to join us on the journey. So, tell them when it is over, make your good-bye speeches grand and don’t let them assume from your silence.

Don't we all learn about ourselves from others and the relationships we hold? Not sure if it will help you find Mr. Right, but it will definitely let you wake up and walk around with clarity and also not runaway from people.

(I)den(t)ity!

A week after that chat with a friend (refer to be blog below) I realized how people can be heated like thermosetting polymer and re-casted!

Titles are self-proclaimed and labels are self-printed but when challenged and questioned people always feel threatened, insecure, cornered, confused and some even go to the extent of willing to print new ones. Here is an experience I recently had with two straight men at a bar.

After a three year wait her divorced had finally come through and we had to celebrate her new singlehood and have some pictures with pegs and pints, tits and wits to ring the bell and welcome the change in her Facebook status from “It’s complicated” to “Single”!

It was four in the evening when I and another gay friend (Dino) along with his fag hag (Alisha) ventured into a decent and affordable bar in the city. My friend was expecting a colleague (Shawn) and his college-mate (Georgy) to join us at the bar. I looked around the barely occupied bar and found two interesting straight males (engendered or endangered, was it to be determined?). A closer look revealed that the two guys were ahead of us!

We joined them at the table and we placed the order for drinks after a quick round of introductions and handshakes. A straight crowd is always curious to know what do you do and while a gay crowd is curious to know where you meet him. “So, what do you want to know gentlemen”, I asked Georgy’s pupil dilated and he acted surprised, while Shawn was busy trying to dissolve the ice in the glass of whiskey. Not sure if it was alcohol or they were comfortable in their own skins, but these guys were seemed not bothered to find out what I did or who I did. What a careless crowd to be with! But are they really cool and careless or they pretending to be that way? I was determined to peel their skin, layer by layer to ascertain their identity!

Me: Georgy, I think I have a cool name for you. Wanna hear?

Georgy: Oh yes! I have been called so many names before, but let’s see what you got for me.

Me: I am sure you are a sporto! What do u think of Orgy Georgy?

Georgy: You are so witty!

Me: You get witty only when you don’t go behind titty! And I gave a seductive look to Orgy Georgy!

Georgy had recently got an admit card to study in the US and I said he would have lots of opportunity to live-up the name. Georgy gushed and giggled like a high school girl, while Shawn with a pair of round and ready to pop out eyes peered through oversized spectacle frame trying to fit the world into and acted as though he wasn’t interested in any kind - orgy or Georgy!

Shawn hates fat people and he loves to play cruel jokes on them and to get him all warmed up and include him in the conversation I shared the picture of a fat man I clicked on the train journey, how he kept me awake all night with his monstrous snore, and when confronted how he asked me to travel in a coupe while I retorted by asking him to travel by a freight train. A thunderous laughter punctuated my words!

By now the ice had dissolved in Shawn’s Whiskey and he was no more figidity and was alive on the table.

Me: Alisha, do British guys refer to “harmonica” as a “mouth organ”? Because when I said “mouth organ” to the Americans they snickered and made fun of me. A penis was euphemistically referred to as a “mouth organ”.

Alisha: Americans are weird and are sadly they coin their own terms and try to make it a global standard.

Me: Alisha, in gay lingo (in India) we refer to a flautist as a person who gives a blow job! So, did you know Shawn was a real flautist and not a euphemistic one?

Shawn: No…no… I only blow air through the bamboo reed and not what you guys think.

The first bottle of Kingfisher was done by now and Shawn made a loud whistle to draw the attention of the bar tender for refills. I was kind of completely in control with the conversation on the table and also in control of the short-eats, while the straight men were walking down my aisle with comfort.

Georgy to Me: So, are you really gay or you playing a prank on me? You are all muscled up, not pansy and don’t seem to fit into a stereotype.

Me: Georgy there is nothing called straight or gay and here is my friend JV’s line “you have a life time to prove otherwise”. So Georgy, have you ever felt curious to try it out with a guy?

Georgy all ruffled, hurriedly up said, “No!”

Me: So you don’t know what you are missing. And you may have a gay gene and one does finds it out only when tested or pushed to test! This is like HIV! You need to get tested to know if you carry the gene and it is essential before you marry a woman.

Shawn: Well I have tried it out once and I didn’t seem to like it.

Me: So Shawn, do women give blow-jobs? And do they give better blow jobs than men?

Shawn and Georgy in chorus responded with a big yes! And I said, “well then you haven’t tried it with the right man.”

Me: So Shawn, how old were you when you tried it out? Where you conscious or drunk when it happened? Did you initiate it or did someone else initiate you into trail?

Shawn: I was 16 and I was not drunk. And I consciously made the move to check if I had homoerotic attractions.

Me: Shawn you are an experimenter and you could be a mentor for Orgy Georgy. Sometimes when you are conscious and trying to figure out which is better, you kind of tend to lose the real pleasure. So you must douse yourself with some “moral lubricant” aka alcohol and lose your sense of judgment and then decide the morning after.

Shawn: But I am not attracted or aroused by men.

Me: Under the influence of alcohol you may be. And you need to do another round of testing before you can be so sure. And moreover what you felt in 16 may not be true when you at 25. We all go through psycho-biological changes. May be you should give us another chance before labeling yourself as straight and walking the aisle with a women!

Shawn rolled his mammoth eyes again, but I couldn’t figure out if he was willing to go for another trial run. But nevertheless, approved alcohol can make it easy.

Me: Georgy, genitals decide gender, and not a mouth! So you must give it a shot and share your experience before making tall claims about your straight-hood!

Dino: So Georgy, are you cut or uncut?

Georgy was shy and worried and didn’t answer that question since he was surrounded by self proclaimed straight friends Shawn and Alisha. But once they left for a smoke, he came closer to me and confessed his “cut” status.

Me: Georgy if you are cut then you are going to leave someone with a rough tongue.

I pulled out my iphone and turned on the gay app “Grindr” that I use to hunt gay men in my city and flashed the list of options he has in the city. Georgy was again shy and giggly, and without giving a notice I took a picture of a smiley Georgy and I threatened I would post it on Grindr with his mobile number and make him Gay Georgy or Go-go Georgy or Orgy Georgy. To make him feel comfortable I coaxed Alisha to pose for a picture and post her under the fag-hag category on Grindr.

A few rounds of alcohol were enough to loosen up the guys, widen their perspective and rediscover and giving me an opportunity to dent in their identity. At the end of the 4 hour session, Shawn was ready for his next experience with a man under the influence of alcohol and offered to do a comparative study report, while Orgy Georgy said he was now a curious cat on the wall, and Alisha said she was ready to start a Planet Juliet portal for straight women and lesbians.

Straight people are petrified with the gay label, but when counseled and coaxed under the influence of alcohol they are willing to go the next mile and test it out. So don’t forget alcohol with its unique OH! bond is a great solvent. It solves differences, blurs traditional boundaries and turns frigid and formula driven sex into something more fluid and fun.

So the next time someone flaunts their “straight” stereotype status, remember what my friend JV said, “You have the right to test them” and tell them that “they have lifetime to prove otherwise”. So go on and take the straight fellas by their horns and certify their identity and reorient them! Ofcourse we can’t be losing our men to women!

Hangover and Hangout

Many of us have desires, but only a few of us have the guts to confess and a few within that have the guts to act. Here is a chat excerpt that I had with a dear friend living in a far away land! 

JV: How the fuck do I seduce a guy reporting to me? I find him so attractive.

Me: Do really you find him attractive? Ask yourself, WWSD: What would Samanatha do?

JV: Is this Samantha from SATC?

Me: Hell yes!

JV: Listen, he is cute and definitely worth a shagg!

Me: Playing with colleagues is not worth it honey.

JV: He sits right next to me and I must make use of every opportunity to feel him up.

Me: No, wait that will be harassment at work place. BTW, is he an Indian or a localite?

JV: He is an Indian and from Odisha.

Me: Let it not be like a dream gone wrong in school days. Remember how embarrassed we felt when our gay side was exposed in school?

JV: No dreams darling, just a shagg, period. Should I try your Omar Grindr* trick on him?

(*Omar Grindr – Grindr is an iphone app to pick up gay men. Omar is a Pakistani guy we met on our travel. He is cut(e)! To verify if he was straight or gay I asked if he was on Grindr and we confirmed he was straight when question marks appeared on eyes. )

Me: Lol!

JV: I have a feeling he has a big one.

Me: Before you are lured by the size and you make your moves, you need to find out if he is into men.

JV: I don’t think so. He is straight as an arrow and has to be converted (manamatram like madhamatram)

Me: Well then try the oldest trick in the book. Get him drink and then find your way through.

JV: That sounds like a plausible one. I must wank him off after he gets sloshed. I don’t think this guy even drinks and he seems like a baby. It is the first time he is travelling outside of India and he only talks about Puri Jagannath.

Me: Then you need to juggernaut him and show him your own version of raunch yatra. Hope it doesn’t turn out to be a wrath yatra later.

JV: When he eats a snack he litters everywhere, such a slob! But he is rounded, pretty tall, fair and baby face.

Me: Oh I didn’t know preyed on Ganesha.

JV: If I were into Ganesha then I should have had Math teacher for breakfast.

Me: Should you call your colleague, golgappa and pop the top, fill it with the liquid and send it down your throat. 

Me: Here is my idea for you. Doesn’t matter straight or gay, men or women, alcohol is a moral lubricant. So ask him if he is a social drinker.

JV: The problem is I don’t have a place to host him a drink and he stays at the company guest house.

Me: Take him to a bar, get him drunk and feel Ganesha’s trunk.

JV: How exactly do you do that in a bar?

Me: You have to feel what you don’t see!

JV: Don’t talk like Nithyananda, give me a practical advice.

Me: Lol!

JV: I can’t do such things you know…seducing doesn’t come naturally to me….i’m such a gentleman J

Me: Come on darling, there is nothing genteel or gentle about men.

JV: I get turned on when he is around and I am definitely going to paw him before this project is over.

Me: Wow him, pav him or paw him, but let the alcohol go in first. After a few drinks alcohol erases long term memory and when he wakes up the next morning it will all be a daze and he will not know if it was a bad dream, fantasy or reality.

JV: Yes, even if he brings it up I could always say he begged me to do it and I was too drunk.

Me: Absolutely. So you don’t drink and you should encourage him to drink till he gets sloshed.

JV: Yes! What an idea sirj(i)!

Me: Well your iphone Siri is stupid assistant and she can’t give you such ideas.

Me: But have your plan b and exit strategy in place.

JV: What does that mean?

Me: If things don’t go as per your plan, you need to still win and get out.

JV: What do you suggest?

Me: Get him fully drunk and when he wants to pee go with him to the toilet and take a peek while he takes a leak. If you like it, then get to the next step, if not abandon.

JV: What if he doesn’t want to get intoxicated and doesn’t want to pee?

Me: Then create an accident with the drink (spill) and get his penis area wet and hurriedly take a tissue and wipe it off for him. You can use the emergency to feel his thingy. If you think his trunk is small, then you can dump him right then and there and you have nothing to lose.

JV: Who is thinking? Is it your penis or brain?

Me: Now you have plan b and an exit strategy together. I always rely on plan b and it has never failed. Btw, I have a married colleague and his lips are so inviting. I always get lost looking at him. He is tall, wheatish, in-shape and domesticated. I am sure pretty men have ugly penises, but I want his lips and but the lip balm may be a bonus.

Me: You there buddy? Did I lose you?

JV: Let’s convert everyone, but one man at a time! Ayindhil vilayadhathu aimbathil vilayum (what doesn’t bend at 5 will bend at 50)

Me: His wife and kids have gone on vacation and I have suggested to him that we should hang out together in the weekends. Will he hangout or will it hang out?

Me: Knock, knock, knock ….you there buddy? Did you bolt that door with your colleague next to you?

Lies, Relationship, and Drama.

Three things about gay men that make think engaging with them for one night stands is easier and less complicated than friendship.

1. Lies: I see this man on Grindr hunting for dicks to wake up his sleepy ass (he says it has been in a comma for 4 months) and he lies to me on whatsapp that he never logged on to it!

2. Parallel relationship: a married gay guy just sends his wife home for good (divorce not yet filed) but wants me to move to his city and start a live-in relationship before the other one ends. He even offered to book my flight tickets.

3. Stranger to friend to good-bye: Even Shumachers race car doesn't go that fast.

Week 1: we meet for coffee and I tell him I don't commit myself for a relationship until I know the person for a year. I show him the route to friendship.

Week 2: we chat off and on and he sends me a music CD by mail. The envelope is yet to be opened.

Week 3: he invites himself and books himself on a flight ticket to come and spend a few days with me and meet my family.

Week 4: he shows up with sweets, gifts and even cries when he leaves for the airport.

Week 5: he sends me flowers and says he likes me and even stalks me on whatsapp. I feel jittery, uncomfortable and anxious with his behavior.

Week 6: he sends me an email letting me know it is all over and he has deleted my number and doesn't want to keep in touch with me. Reason: he is still carrying baggage from the earlier relationship.

How am I supposed to react to such men who call themselves honest, sorted, and simple on their online profiles? My one year wait time for a relationship really weeds out the fake and drama fairies. In just 6 weeks i witnessed lies killing trust, drama killing friendship and baggage from earlier relationship creating murkiness in the mind. Now i know why these guys complain about loneliness!

I'm sure there are more out there who are not what they say on their profiles and don't know how to seed and grow relationships with patience and care and prudence without suffocation. For now I'm taking a break from lies, relationship and drama and i am in no hurry to find my partner. Did I say no sex? :)

Star(v)e wars?

It is not always looks, clothes or perfumes; sometimes a single stare is enough to infuse a strong sense of (be)longing and desire.

From the moment I boarded the over-crowded train there was a pair of eyes following my every move. He came forward and closer to me. He watched me remove my back pack and place it between my legs and he watched me pull out my phone and start my Twitter app. Those eyes was measuring me from head to toe like a scanning machine, was it friendly or fondly was yet to be discovered!

I flashed a smile at the looker not to approve his stare, but to understand his intent and to check if it was friendly. His eyes took ages to respond back to my defensive and desirous stare and friendly smile and finally when he responded with a smirk and it appeared he was either jet-lagged or stayed beyond many oceans and behind time zones.

Why is he staring at me and what does he need from me? Was he trying to ignite the fire of lust in me to warm his physique? Or was he appointed to follow me? Honestly I didn’t have answers to any of these questions and I was unprepared for this morning stare wars. Dismissing these questions in my mind, I went on my twitter account to enjoy the fresh morning dews and dues!

At the next station when I moved to make way for the disembarking crowd I caught the guy again starring at me. His eyes were big and seemed to have that cataract of desire, not sure if my eyes were jaundiced. But with just 8 minutes to my destination one of us would have to step forward to convert those stares and decipher the actions behind them.

I returned his more than compli(men)tary stare this time by scanning his eyebrows and then coming down to his lips and going all the way from left to right and top to bottom. The contours of his lips made my heart beat faster and his intense look turned on my knob of desire releasing the fresh batch of adrenalin turning my forehead into a reservoir of sweat. I couldn’t have made it any easier for him to make my motives clear and his moves near.

He understood my stare and responded with a little glee, but made no efforts to strike a conversation or take it further. Is he trying to be a cock teaser? Does he even know the chemical and physical changes he is bringing about in my body with his stare? Every time the train went into a tunnel, darkness engulfed us and I would escape his eyes, but when train emerged out and the light came back he would come behind me with a determined vengeance. I must confess the 26 year old (I guessed he must be in his mid twenties from his skin and facial hair) exhibited patience and wisdom of an experienced hunter spreading his stare trap.

I looked around to see if anyone else caught me scanning him and surprisingly I found a few that were looking even better than this guy. Should I leave this one and move on the next? As a last try, I stared at the bulge between his legs to see if I could induce any lust in this iron will(i)ed man. Before I could catch his response, the train entered another tunnel and the entire compartment was engulfed in darkness. But I could still see a pair of eyes that were watching me like a satellite watching earth, but they carried no promises and transmitted no signals.

As people moved, adjusted and rearranged to give way to de-boarding passengers I searched for his eyes hidden behind the hanging garden of elbows. Not sure if he was setting a trap with his eyes, but every stare was making me curious and I wanted know if it was going to be a feast or a starve. Why is he acting cold and clueless? Was he magnetizing me or demagnetizing me? He could have asked me something and ceased the endless debate in my mind, but his silence was a killer.

I didn't give up the war of stare and I searched his eyes to see if there were hidden desires and emotions behind the eyelids and pupils. I still had a short walk from the platform to gate and I could strike a conversation and make plans to being in the hands of this hunter. Have you ever heard before a prey expressing a desire to get hunted? Have you heard a bulls-eye going behind an arrow?

The crowd was moving towards the entrance while he was still tucked in the back. I had no clue if he was getting down. I wanted to get down and check on him but in the last second I decided to abandon the stare games. Infact I had given him every opportunity to say something to me with his eyes and hands. What a loser!!

I came down the flight of stairs and felt no need to turn around and confirm him in my blind spot. And finally on the last step I decided to break my vow and turn around. I let my eyes search for the black tee shirt and the chin covered with black goatee. Where did he vanish? Did he even get off the train? My heart and mind was not willingly to let go of this teaser.

Faster than an airport baggage scanner, I scanned 100 plus people in a few seconds and he stood right beside me watching and enjoying me search and scan. He watched my eyes, heart and mind go up the stairs looking for him and getting crushed in the sea of humanity. Was he chasing me or observing my desire being teased and chased?

I was annoyed and put-off by his gesture and stormed towards the gate. He adjusted his speed to match with mine. When we got to the entrance he was right beside me and now he even removed his ear buds with a hope I might ask or say something. I took away the blank check that I gave during the 10 minute train ride, and gave a blank look instead. I yelled "auto" and with the next few seconds our stares ended and we started our journey to our next destination.

In those 9 mins commute, from perusal to arousal, stare to starve I travelled through more stages of emotions than stations. And in the end I also had to let my fumes of disappointment go along with the adulterated volatile petrol fumes emanating from the auto.

(Prey)(dick)table!

Be it a relationship with friends, friends with benefits, exs’ and fuck buddies, why do gay men find it very difficult to build, nurture, hold and maintain relationship more than straight men? Is it because they always they have a hidden agenda, the one below the waist?

It is also a well know fact that gay men randomly add people to their Facebook account and delete numbers from their mobile phones more so than rest of the denominations in the society. Is it because they incapable of respecting, committing, and valuing relationship, and setting boundaries and managing expectations? Or are they just too prey(dick)table?

Think before you wink!

Over a chat window a friend who recently landed in foreign land said, “Your friend was weird and he was trying to feel me in the movie hall”. I was shocked and I re-read the line twice before I reacted. Did I make the mistake in cataloging an acquaintance as a friend? Or did I make a bigger mistake of introducing two gay men without clarifying the agenda or context for the meet? Should I rest my conscience under the thought that I was trying to make a friend feel at home in an alien land or should I own up the responsibility for other guy’s misdemeanor? At the end of this I felt I had “horny” guys who would go to any extent to prey on my friends for a fling.

Must-fucks!

In another incident recently, an acquaintance who travelled to the city asked me if I could share a few “must-fuck” numbers in the city. I have come across people who’ve asked me for “must-see” places, restaurants, etc., but this guy was asking me if I had “must-fucks” in my city. When did sexual tourism become main stream? Am I running a brothel or gigolo joint in the city? Should I take it as an offence or should I supply numbers with a hope that I can ask him to return the favor if I ever visited his city? Is sharing really caring?

Brown ring test

Remember the brown-ring test from high school chemistry class? A friend (not anymore) of mine in the city would randomly put together people like science experiments and watch them copulate and separate for his own thrills. Since when did men start feeling and living like God? There was a time when he intentionally introduced me his friend to see if he could set the ball of cotton on fire. His experiment failed and later when I came to know about his real intentions, I felt like a like a bacteria in a petri dish. My experience was supposed to be his experiment.

Ex-claimed!

Here is another interesting anecdote from the past. I introduced my ex to a friend at a concert, and my friend knows we were not together anymore. My friend swaps number with him and both of them meet outside for a coffee in my absence and then slowly my friend tries to get my ex to stain his sheet. Does it mean he breaches the code of friendship if my friend slept with my ex? How should I react when my (ex)claimed that my friend was hitting on him? He felt as though I had arranged for my friend to sleep with him. Do I side with my ex and snap ties with my friend? But didn’t you guys willingly exchange numbers and meet in my absence? How am I to take responsibility for this?

Unpre(dictable)!

I perfectly matched the specs (T-top, B-bottom, and V-versatile), hobbies, interest, and intellectual quotient like blood groups and set two of my friends on a date. Both of them were aware that they were being set on a date. Nothing happened sexually during the date, and a beautiful friendship sprouted from subsequent meetings. In the hindsight, if they had seen each other and if the relationship would have failed after sometime, I ran the risk of losing two beautiful friends. I know my intentions were good, but the outcomes are always unpredictable.

For most gay men relationships can be like walking on eggshells and can also be like stepping on landmines and more so for someone who tries to bring people together for friendship, fling or a relationship. Why take ownership and responsibility for their good and bad experiences?

Your gay friends can feel bankrupt without buddies in faraway land, feel sexually frustrated in over populated urban jungles (even in the era of hook-up apps like Grindr, PR, etc.), and feel lonely in your own hometowns, but remember not to offer to help and decimate your already wafer-thin friends list on Facebook and mobile. You can never be sure of people’s ulterior motives. People are capable of making their own friends, finding their own flings and fuck buddies. Gay men are so very Prey(dick)troubled!

Carlos(t) in Paris

For 3rd night in a row I and my colleague, Sean visited the gay bars in the neighborhood of Marais, the gayborhood of Paris. Experience says, “One can be loveless in life, but not loveless in Paris.” Does the city have the power to brew the biology, chemistry, and physics of love between two strangers and turn them into lovers for the night?


Dim lights, loud music, fumes from tobacco, ice-filled glasses of alcohol can make the bar feel smoky and cold. And what added to the coldness were the stares when you don’t speak French and you don’t look French. How does it feel to be Les Untouchable in the City of Love?


I entered the bar and amongst so many others, I found an attractive, non-French seated with his friends near the bar counter. A bright smile on his face lit the room and set my heart on lust. I was hesitant to make the first move since he was surrounded by his friends. And moreover, I didn’t know if the guy besides him was his boy friend. I definitely didn’t want leave the bar with a brawl and bloody nose.


While Sean exchanged pleasantries with Carlos he noticed my roving eyes and restated the ground-rules. I had the freedom to go around and meet people without being tethered to him, but I was responsible for my safety.


We picked our drinks and moved to the dance floor below. In a few minutes the gang from the bar above descended downstairs. And there was Carlos leaning on the wall across from me with a drink in his hand. We just exchanged smiles, but neither of us had the guts to lock lips and hands in the city of love. Does the city have power to bring us in each other’s arms from just being at an arm’s length?


Did he catch me flirting with the bar tender? Carlos and his friends left the dance floor and it wore a deserted look. Sean and I headed back to the floor above, while Carlos and his friends were back at the same seat.


I couldn’t hold back myself for another minute. I put my smile out before my hand and Carlos got off his seat and walked towards me. Within minutes the cold bar turned warm and people around me turned invisible. And before I knew my right hand was in the back pocket of his denim playing with his cute bubble ass and my left hand slowly going for his crotch. I wanted to run my fingers through the well conditioned hair, hold his face between my palms and look at his radiant full-moon face all night.


Embarrassed by my lust, Sean vanished giving us our space and privacy. The sparkle in Carlos’s eyes, the emotions behind the words that came from his tender lips, the honesty he wore in his sleeves and immediately made me ask if I could take him home for the night. I said to him, “I am fine even if we don’t have sex, but come with me tonight, just come with me and I will fill all your vacant fingers with as many rings as want.” What was the city doing to a loveless orphan that night?


Carlos seemed to enjoy me nibbling his lips from time to time. I put forward the idea of spending the night at his place and Carlos welcomed the idea without a second thought. Within minutes we got out of the bar and pout our hand out for a taxi.


As the taxi speeded through the 15th and 7th we discussed about his job and family and when the Eiffel Tower passed by we locked our hands tightly and we locked our eyes and lips passionately. Is it Paris or Eiffel that releases your pheromones?


Soon we were on the lying down on the carpet on his wooden floor embracing each other passionately. We didn’t find the need to spend time to discover or understand our wants and need. And everything seemed so programmed and passionate, but not monotonous. The act was passionate, touch was gentle, and was very emotional. Our Eiffel Towers were now horizontal and needed some refills. I felt his “juice” slowly drip over my left hip and while his lungs were pumping out spent air between my shoulder and ear. He even fell asleep on me for a few minutes, while my arms were tightly wrapped around his body like the ribbons on the Christmas gift.


That night our naked bodies were intertwined like strands of DNA, does that differentiate the chemistry of love from chemistry of lust? At around 6 am, he jumped on me for another serving. The final cuddle lasted 15 minutes after the alarm went-off. I filled him in my arms and kissed him like new born treasure before we jumped into the shower. We soaped each other like playmates, with care and affection and we complained about each other snoring like couples from a long-time. I picked-up clothes for him to wear from his closet, and then we stepped on to his balcony to watch Eiffel Tower together.


It was getting close to 9 am and I put forward the idea of having a quick breakfast at the nearby restaurant, while he wanted to make me breakfast at home. While we sipped the espresso, we asked why our paths crossed and if it will cross again?


The magical and momentary 12 hour felt like a fairy tale. We walked out of his house and took a few photographs to capture our togetherness in the city of love. He got me a ticket and put me on the Metro to work. But before then he sealed the 12 hour relationship with a kiss on my lips. On the way back to work, I realized the city had lost its romance without Carlos.

Isn’t life all about moments and memories? Carlos came along to fill some empty pages in my life. Neither of us dreamt to experience such nice evening, followed by an intimate, respectful and devoid of drama. For sure no one can be a loveless orphan in Paris.


Thank-you Paris!

Sex: Recreation vs Procreation

As gays we look at sex as an act of recreation than procreation. We’ve all experience many one night stands, kinks, hidden sexual agenda, our happy endings are sometimes sad and finally we also clean, fill and flit (if not in the same order). Have you ever wondered where did we pick up these traits from?

Don’t forget we‘ve all come a long way from the animal kingdom and evolution has brought us to another kingdom where rules of the game are every different. And our shared past often makes us look at the animal kingdom to see if there is a leaf or two to borrow. Let’s see if sex becomes easier handled as an act of recreation rather than an act of procreation?

Sex is a currency:

Sexual currency is often traded in primate kingdom for social purposes. Isn’t that very similar to the gay world? It is used to buy security, peace, happiness and avoid conflicts. Absolutely there is no procreational purpose for some copulations.

Coming back to the land of primates, louder the female call the more excited males become. Noisy females ensure best genes are transferred to the next generation. The chance of a less-noisy female getting pregnant is low. Absence of noise can also mean the copulation was for social purpose more than procreation. So do filled vessels that make more noise in the primate world?

One night stand:

Female German Roaches mate just once, stock up sperm and lay eggs when they want rather than looking around for mates. Save up for the rainy days, huh? How interesting it should be to just mate once and say good-bye! Though sex is procreational, among roaches there is no emotional attachment. It is a no-strings attached copulation. Now you know where we learnt our one night stands from!

Chastity lock:

Among Stick insects, males copulate and stick to the females (chastity lock) to prevent other males from mating, until she gets to lay her eggs. Now you know how Italian cities, including Florence, Milan, Rome, and Venice came up with the concept of chastity lock in the 12-13 century!

Some happy endings are really sad!

Among Lady bugs, mating happens just once and the male bug dies at the end of act. It appears as though their birth objective is to mate and die. The female drags the dead male around and dumps him before laying her eggs. I am so happy to be alive and gay!

Mafia queens are born to kill male bees!

Among honey bees, male bees get into a bull fight to mate with the only queen bee. A successful male that gets to mate with the Queen bee often dies because its penis gets stuck and eventually the bee dies trying to free itself. The queen bee uses other males (lots of Plan B) to free herself from the broken penis and give another guy a chance for her to procreate. As gays we practice polygamous (monogamous) behavior without causing any death! Looking at life-cycle of insects, it appears like sex for procreation is more risky than recreation.

Clean, fill and flit:

Among Dragon flies, the male uses two brushes next to their penis to remove solidified sperm inside the female organ, from earlier copulation and ensuring their gene goes to the next generation. Should you admire their sense of hygiene or their objective to leave their gene pool behind? You have some hygiene lessons to learn from these insects!

The nature’s way of ensuring the planet is peaceful and there is no procreation agenda (in already over-crowded planet) is by creating gays. Remember we have a purpose and a contribution to make and we are not nature’s anomalies. The sole objective of any form of life born on earth is to procreate and in the animal kingdom it all happens without any wed-lock or commitment. So now you know where from we learnt our one-night stands, live-ins, kinks, hidden sexual agendas, chastity lock, and no-strings attached relationships, etc? But where did we take leaf of marriage from? Keep researching….

Pick-up line and 4th S!

A Pick-up line on the way to the boarding line

A little peep over the porcelain divider between us was enough to let him know my interest and orientation. He caught my eyes and returned the courtesy by watching my brave warrior. Here in Mumbai airport we were showcasing each other’s priced possession like kids. After the little exhibition we indulged in a casual conversation understand our backgrounds, personal and profession life and qualify our needs before we exchanged our numbers. The boarding call for Delhi flight separated us and the Peddar Road peda goes his way. He boards his flight and calls to let me know he got upgraded and I was his lucky charm! Even if it was a pick-up line, I felt it was fresh and made me feel good. Let’s see if the pick-up line gets an upgrade!

The 4th S: Shagg!

People enter restrooms in airports and train stations to Shit, Shave and Shower, but how about the 4^th S?

He found a seat across from Mens room ready to stare at all emptied crotches that came out. His shades buried not just lust laden eyes but his face, and he looked at me as I walked out of the Mens room. There was no beating around the bush.  He asked me if I liked him, we made a conversation, he shut his laptop and now he wanted me to flash my drive.

We went back to the same place, but we couldn’t go beyond looking, feeling and touching. We came out of the loo and he says, “where were you hiding all this while (a cheesy one!)” and this milk Khoa insisted I change my flight and come with him to Goa! He said it would be a shame if we didn’t sleep together.Oh that was indeed Samantha from SF!

If only some be(ginn)ings had no itineraries, passports and boarding cards, and if only our bodies could fly like our hearts, our horniness would be termed as hunger and none would be called a Samantha!

So next time you are in an airport loo watch out for the 4th S and and pick-up lines (Lions? Loins?).