Life comes with no road maps for love, relationships or sex. Some serious travelers try to follow directions; some carefree souls just drive for the fun of it. Some make the journey interesting by picking up fresh travel companions after dropping off the tired ones. For some, the journey goes seamlessly and they continue with the same travel companions even though the ride is sometimes bumpy and rough.
Looking at my parent's generation I was almost convinced that love, physical intimacy and a relationship were to be found during one trip traveled with one person. Comparing my generation which suffers from one night syndrome (ONS), I questioned if we needed to make this journey to feel complete in life? I was not hopeful to complete this road trip, with its many pit stops through different towns.
'Sexville' is pretty easy to find and reach. Starting out early, I found many people willing to travel with me. Traveling with the same person always seemed too much of a hassle when I was younger. I was not looking for love or a relationship, and my raging youth only believed in physical intimacy.
June 13, 2003 was yet another typical day on my journey. I was confident my travel companion on this day to Sexville would leave after a few milestones, and I that I would pick up a fresh passenger at the next rest area. I had traveled before with the companion and was feeling powerful and wanted. Little did I know I was turning into unexplored territory.
My travel itinerary failed to carry a warning about stopping for repeat passengers. It definitely made no mention of the risks of emotional entanglement and bonding. And, here I was. Traveling like a madman without taking my foot off the gas pedal, flying past the rest area and my companion not getting out as we sailed past Sexville.
This journey took me to a remote place, an oasis of love and relationship which I never planned to visit. At first, I felt trapped, but then I began to enjoy the scenery and thrive in the oasis.
My trip lasted 3 years and was full of discoveries. I realized I had out grown my ONS and had developed a new taste – a taste for love and relationships. I was convinced that love, relationships and physical intimacy did exist, even in my generation of fast food and scratch lotteries. What was happening to me? May be I was discovering the beauty of life like my parents?
My journey, however, took a turn in a completely different direction as I continued to drive along the same route as my travel companion decided to take an airplane to the US. We didn’t realize we were leaving the Oasis. Distance made our hearts grow fonder, but the libido stronger – at least in the U.S. I was at the other end of the spectrum, now believing in monogamy, relationship and love. How retro!
We explored new ways to keep our journey together going. We tried to bring back physical intimacy. Phone and web cam sex to satiate hormonal outbursts were added to our travel kits. Unable to bear the churn of desires, my travel companion began to invite more passengers on the trip. He called it an open relationship. I called it a fork in our journey.
I soon found I was taking the road to Singleville and passing through the Valley of Self Discovery. Maybe love, relationship and intimacy are parts of a perfect road trip that is never forgotten. Do we need to cover all three, though, in one trip? Can't they be separate journeys? Importantly, do we have to cover all the destinations with the same person?
As I left the Valley of Self Discovery and while still continuing on to Singleville, I passed through Marriedville. I picked up my fair share of travel companions – all married -- as I passed through the area fraught with side trips. Married men brought physical release devoid of relationship and love. These side trips were short journeys and emotionally safe for a guy like me. As long as the journey included a bit of protection, my travel companions had no problems in knowing how, where and when to get off.
No one warned me, though, of the cops along this route watching out for speeding cars and negligent drivers. Very soon the blue and red lights went on and I was asked to pull over with one companion from the Marriedville turn off; I was ticketed for negligent driving. I thought this was a scenic route to travel, but didn't realize a sudden unexpected storm could make it ugly. In the rear view mirror as I finally left Marriedville, I could see a wreck of a marriage after an unexpected storm and I could see a companion’s spouse shaking a fist as I drove away. I left instructions for my travel companion on how to reach Splitsville.
Why do journeys end abruptly? May be every beginning has an end and every end has a new beginning? I know that Sexville, Singlesville, Marriedville and Splitsville are not destinations for me, but states that I drive through. I know that journey is not linear and perhaps I will revisit these places in the future. I know next time, though, I will pass through the regions with a heavy chest loaded with guilt and questions. Shouldn’t life be punctuated with road signs pointing to love, relationship and sex?
3 comments:
most gay men have gone thoruhg what you have gone through...there are gay married role models to set an example that it is possible to have long term commitments in gay relationships...
oh,well, all those experiences have helped you to write a good blog if nothing else came out of your trips. One thing for sure, I have not done with married men otherwise my story is similar to your story...
oh well, corrections to my earlier post...
1. gone through
2. no role models
Hi,
I am not gay and not even a man. A closet gay with whom I felt a strong meeting of minds happened to share your blog with me and thats how I got here.
You do write very well. I think we'll be around the same age, and while I do know that times were changing even while growing up, I along with a very strongly influential peer group subscribed to the value systems of the parents generation that you mention. What rocked the boat for me was hearing Ashok Rau Kavi (of the Humsafar Trust) once claim that 70% of married men in India are bisexual and that bisexuality to this degree emerges from the closeted desire of gay men who get married. For some reason a fuse blew in my 20 year old mind. What of the one journey with the one person that I would take?
Over time, and watching Philadelphia (a bit dramatic, eh?) made me more empathetic to people who would be less deceitful of who they really are if only society would let them. It also helped me consciously fight the 'norm' or arranged marriages...well have held out so far atleast.
At the other end was the question of my sexual selfhood. The hormonal peaks that you describe are every sexual persons issue, but they way in which we resolve them is at the intersectionality of our individuality and material and social moorings. So ONS was certainly not my thing, but at 29 I did find myself in a relationship. The physical intimacy destroyed the love and the relationship though! After a brief sojourn in Confusedville (could I be lesbain...or maybe TRY and become one, haha)I am back in Singleville, and loving it too.
So me the real challenge is understanding Sexville and its workings...can there be physical pleasure when your mind and emotions are absent? Arranged marriages too can sometimes be hetero sexvilles ... It intrigues me, or perhaps what ought to intrigue me is how I am different?
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