In the vortex of Sexuality 20s or 40s?

What about 40's and what about men in 40's? Is 40 a biological barrier or a psychological barrier? Should I treat these as independent questions or should I treat them together? Does it matter? Anyways both questions seem to be juicy, spicy, hot, sticky, cerebral and with lot of mileage for redemption and exploration.
Confessions first….

My earlier encounters with men in their 40’s were intriguingly interesting. Intrigued because, they seem to carry the love, passion and spark that ignited my dampened and withered soul. Interesting because, all of this came without any commitment or shelf life. Was it just an attraction/infactuation from my end? Or was it mutual? Every relationship however long and momentary is for mutual gain. Let us park this question for now and rewind my tapes from my teenage and tormenting twenties to analyze and understand mutual needs and the need for intellectual arousal.

All said and some never done, I found men in 40’s extremely warm, caring, strong and living from the heart. I felt they had reached the stage of maturity and seasoning in life, and was sure they would take care of me and never hurt me. But then I was in my late teens and it was too early for me to walk into their shoes and understand what they were looking for in me.

Grey and bald in worldly parlance meant thinkers and intellectuals with oozing wisdom who've weathered the storms of life. Wow…sound so hot material and mentally stimulating…huh? Yes, I did chase them because I wanted to share feelings of my sexuality and have them for mentors and look up to them for support, guidance and comfort in life. This was something that I could never get at home with my undecided, and confusing, undefined and contorted sexuality.

You can label men in 40’s as my “festish” but in reality I needed validation; I needed someone to comfort me and someone to teach me how to live with my biological inadequacies, teach me sexual proclivities of life.

Was I caught in the vortex of sexuality, delusion, desire, or curiosity or all of the above? I was truly a science student, experimenting with men and my sexuality. Sigmund Freud was not around, if he would have been around, he would have “theorized” my experimentation and coordinated my vertex of sexuality.

Curiosity always remained the denominator of our life. I wanted to understand the psychology of men in 40’s.What do men in 40’s want? What is their expedition all about? Are they vanquishing their suppressed emotions? Is it their 2nd adolescence? Is it onset of andropause? I had so many questions to answer and find answers.

I hunted down those men in grey, those with receding hairline and those who fathered a few kids. What a combination, huh? What a choice of menu! Raging hormones was waging a war inside me. I felt even more attracted when I heard them talk about their wife and children. This is because, I always longed to have a family of my own and I wanted a man who would take care of me like his own family. I wanted my men and I wanted the warmth of a relationship and kids. Honestly, someone was living my life and dream. I wanted to enjoy be with someone who was living my dream. It is natural to feel jealous, but I just wanted to be a part of that life and dream. I wanted to know how easy it was to be gay, married and with kids? I also wanted to know how men in 40’s think. How to be free from guilt and yet happy? How to keep everyone (wife, society, in-laws and parents) happy in the marriage?

Life has both reasons and seasons! Twenty years later as I approach my cliff of my 30s I am just like those men who I chased – that holds good only with respect to my physical landscape. I was still single, I didn’t have kids, and I was not in a marriage cocooned by the society. Today my geography is identical to theirs, I am bald and my beard is almost grey but my libido has calmed down. Those grey ones were interesting to observe from my side of the shore.

Mallik, married father of two, grey hair not bald, biked into my life after an infatuation bid at the traffic light. His eyes were telegraphing untold stories, his heart was idling faster than his bike engine and his tongue kept pushing those words down back into his gullet. The light turned green and chaos soon returned on the streets. At this stage of life I was not looking for any support, any clarity, any buoy to get me ashore, but still curiousity made me look through the torn plastic in the rear window. He was following me like a maniac, swerving and jumping red lights. That was the power of the hidden desires and propulsion by hormones. He was 2 meters away from me, but there was a lot of hesitation to speak to me I got down at my destination. I went up to him and asked him what he wanted, well I didn't want to assume anything. The cliched pick-up line "Do I know you from somewhere" (more than a pick-up line it is a line of confession that I am gay) was reeled at me. I smiled, acknowledged and understood the urgency to end his hesitation and invited him to know me over a cup of arabic wine. A few gulps brought out his hidden desires, and the verb appeared to be a noun on the surface. He was stuck in the same vortex of sexuality that I was stuck many years ago.

With 2 kids and a lovely family, he wanted to explore this side of his life that he has ignored for years. 15 years ago coming out was not an option, and marriage was an indelible part of gay men life. But today world wears sexuality on their sleeve. Bollywood movies rant about sexuality, article 377 gets front page coverage in national newspapers and pride marches have becomes a part of every metro culture, Mallik wanted to come out of the self imposed exile. He felt more confident to talk about his desires and he could find more people accepting and understanding. How long can someone hold their soul secrets, guilt, and repressed emotions? His needs were both psychological and psychobiological. What a reversal of role! The 40+ man wanted to catch up with his un-entertained 20s.

Is 40 the new revelation point in a man's life? Does it take him on an inward journey to discovery, enjoy and empty his desires and guilt? Does it give them time, confidence, and courage to hear murmurs of their heart?

Some men accept their suppressed sexuality, some think of it as a fashion statement, while some men blamed their newfound preference on their spice less marriage. Niranjan, a businessman in his 40's, bald and grey, with 2 kids, blame his insipid marriage, and difficult wife for his exploring alternate sexuality. At a common gathering Niranjan came strongly and fiercely at me. Niranajan wanted someone with whom he could share, discuss, confess and engage his dreams and desires. In short a verb cum noun version of mate!

When I rewinded his tape of youth, he confessed his liking for men, but he said he could never muster up courage to stay single or go against his family wish to get married and fell a prey to social mores and quotient guilt. Niranjan is one among many caught in the boundaries of society, self imposed duties towards parents and guilt from surreptitiously engaging in his manly desires. Life in the animal kingdom seemed easy, since there were no moral rules to comply with and copulation was just for procreation. But human world driven by greed, need and want, lust and desires, came with moral rules, frameworks governed by the society. The moral rules of sexuality and morality seemed thin, yet powerful and emotionally/mentally draining.

I still feel 40+ men are perfect husband material in many ways. They were busy making money, paying EMIs, responsibly attending to the needs of their demanding marriage (kids and partner), but they had little time to pause, reflect and recollect. Even if they paused there was nothing much they could do because the vortex of society was powerful to escape. When I paused them they confessed their loneliness, disconnect and sadness. I have noticed that some are interested in connecting at cerebral level, while some are only interested in physical emoluments from the relationship. In general both categories are clear what they want.

Should we blame his repressed emotions or sparking marriage? Niranjan is depressed, and often battling such strong self consuming emotions. His repressed desire was eating his peace more than the guilt after feeding. Many at times we discussed about bottled up sexuality, confused identity, raunchy encounters, and finally garnished our conversation with philosophy of life with the 40s club. He says he finds peace in my company and in our conversation.

My earlier men in 40's were interesting, strong, focussed, but now my men in 40's seem stressed out, smoldering but nevertheless chivalrous. 40s had nothing to do with neither psychological nor biological barrier. It seemed like they wanted to entertain their suppressed desires. There was a time when I wanted their family life, and now they were willing to trade their family life for my singlehood on the peripheries of society.

The vortex of life and sexuality seemed powerful at 20s and 40s.