February Fragrance

When this son of Venus and Mercury arrives there is excitement in air, the evening breeze loaded with romance, slick poetry in the tip of the tongue, arms that extend thorn-less rose stems across miles, and beating hearts on their sleeves. Even saints were not spared! Well it is February and what do you expect other than romance, courtship and excitement? But why just 28 days? You figure it out!

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love said Albert Einstein. Art, music and other “common interest” made their paths cross, and Krish had known Vinay to the last alphabet and his position bed. That was customer service beyond Hyatt and Marriott. They were much more and complete than the couple in the Wills hoarding and it seemed like there were “Made for each other”. What does that “e” do in made?

Oh wait…did I hear February also means summer in Southern hemisphere? So, what is summer without the bonfire?

Krish and Vinay had known each other for over 3 years and their explored intimacy was only recent. But nevertheless his majesty gave away pearl necklaces on the weekends (gift of endearment) and bedtime stories were painted, washed and new ones re-painted on the sheets. February does its magic on everyone from Saint to mortals.

One day Vinay’s friend Veena noticed the announcement on Krish’s Facebook and called Vinay to confirm and congratulate. But a minute into the conversation Vinay logs into Facebook and discovers his future. Frozen in shock or excitement? He catches Krish on the chat. Krish confirmed his engagement to a girl and the screen went blank, numb and dead.

And what do you do when the bonfire turns into a brushfire? Should Vinay call for help? Should Veena spill the bean that it was her cousin who got engaged to Krish?

Was it walk the talk with Vinay or walk the aisle with the bride that mom chose? Some men never grow up and can never make the right choice. Vinay always knew he was a cat on the wall but still entertained and intertwined with him and now it was en”tearment”.

No call, no communication of any sort, he abruptly vanished from Vinay’s life like a Kangaroo in the outback. How does it feel when loyalty and love is betrayed? But what about their loyalty to themselves, to their own deepest desires? Veena knew her cousin was getting married to Krish and Vinay never received an invite for wedding, and neither of them could do much about it.
Both life and love has many reasons and seasons and sometimes it unfolds with a surprise to many in courtships and out of courtships.

Can a wedding invite really push down the thinking spiral? Huh… a thinking spiral? Remember the antonym for spiral is straight so should I now rephrase it as a straight spiral or just leave it as spiral? A spiral is a spiral is a spiral! But spirals seem so exciting and churn in the stomach is so intense when left under gravity, isn’t it?

Sidharth and I shared the bench in school, and over the years of growing up we shared just more than the bench. The benchmark!

He is the only friend from high school that I am in touch with. He could be in the middle of the ocean, but never failed to wish me on my birthday for the past 20 years. That intimacy we shared during our schooldays ended with our schooldays, but this gesture made me hold on to our friendship close to my heart. I never had an answer as why he remembered my birthday and didn’t fail to call me every year. Though it sounds like a nice gesture sometimes it feels spooky that someone is keeping count of your age.

We have made out so many times in the school terrace, during the class, and many times at my terrace at home. But as life plays, we went to different colleges and specialized in different streams and took up different professions. I was grounded while he sailed boats and oceans.
Are we hiding our bows and quiver of arrows? And why? Every time he comes into the town he calls me and we make plans for a casual meet, but then it never happens. We discuss about life, work, our families over the phone, but we never spoke about schooldays. This was like driving a bike with no rearview mirror. Absolutely no opportunity for reminiscence!

I probably felt he was exploring as a part of the growing up and coming to age process and there was nothing more deep or inveterate. Every time he called he would curiously ask me if I am single and why am I still single? Since I was not able to gauge his orientation or preference I never gave a definitive answer. Our friendship existed even in uncertainty.

And this time again when he was in town he called me but there was a tone of sadness in his voice. He asked me how I am able to put up with parental and societal pressure and continue to stay single. But he insisted that always saw him single and never even thought of marriage. This made me “queer”ious, but I had nothing more than the past to extrapolate.

I wanted to meet and share my story with a friend who has made it a point to call me for every birthday since we left school. I definitely didn’t want any secrets between us, but at the same time I didn’t want our friendship to be washed by the oceans to a no-man’s-land. Dichotomy and my secrets were killing me. Isn’t walking around the fire much safer than walking in the fire or into the fire, right?

Wearing a plastic smile, carrying my gift of memories from our school days, I could never muster courage to attend his wedding and queuing up to shake hands with him and his wife and tell her that I know his "tool from school".

A few weeks later an unfamiliar number but a familiar voice reached me and it was Sidharth. There was no trace of sadness or compulsion that was there in his earlier call, and he was levitating in happiness over his “engagement”. He delivered the news about his marriage in March and promised to come over to my place to invite my parents. Isn’t sham is one letter short of shame?

Will Krish and Sidharth stay in the marriages happy or will they visit the “Gayville” at night? Everything seems transient and no answer in the horizon.

I never knew the real him and he never knew the real me, but I guess that is how many straight relationships and marriages are today. I could never figure out who is gay and how long the person remains gay? I am not even sure if we have people committed to their “gayhood” if not to their men/women.

Unreclaimed and unrequited such is life, love and friendship. The fragrance of February and friendship ended in a mélange of madness and marriage. How many more Februarys’ and how many more such Ks and Ss? Did I say or sound cases? Huh!

I am single and fabulous and for the rest who are single out there remember Robert Browning - Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.

The Hard Talk

Olivia Judson, an author and a columnist with NY Times in this week’s column writes “When it comes to sex and reproduction, mammals are ultra-orthodox and, frankly, rather dull”. May be she doesn’t know about us. In her column she worships “Ciliates” as one of the most sexually unorthodox group on earth. Aha!

Now we men/women have a role model to look up to and learn from. But Olivia may never know that and she may never know our capabilities over the handset, our unorthodox approach to intimacy. But when she reads this she will definitely change her opinion on Mams and mammals.

Isn’t there always an element of pleasure involved in communication? You pick up the phone and there is always a message to convey, a mood to display, and finally variety of emotions to suggest and enthuse. Isn’t there beauty in communication without touch, sight, and just with your imagination and vocal chords? Am I making it sound like an Opera?

Physical intimacy over the handset? To some this may sound excitement and music to ears and organs, and to some it may sound hideous and heretical. I am not sure how Alexander Graham Bell would have reacted if he knew that his invention was used for copulation. Would he be proud? Would he have used it for this purpose? Who cares!

Well phone sex or hard talk is intimate enough to be safe and convenient despite the distance. Sometimes you talk to people whom you already know and sometimes you get to know the person after the talk and sometimes it really doesn’t matter. The message is simple – excite the party at the other by engaging them in a sensual way. Am I making it sound like telesales?

It does matter if you reduce your age by a few years and exaggerate your stats by a few inches, they won’t know and mind it. What is wrong in narrating what you like to do? And what is wrong in giving a running commentary of what you are doing and what you would like to do. Isn’t that experience sharing?

What are you wearing today followed by where are you now? Have you heard that question on the phone in a very sensual way? That is where it all begins and the reply unveils the portrait of the person just enough to etch the graphical image to be used during the conversation and act. The next tollgate in the act is to understand the need of the other person and their act to excitement and climax.

In seconds beautiful clothes decorate the floor, subject lies on the bed like a model, both hands are set and busy while the shoulder holds the handset. Perfect coital pose, isn’t it? Eyelids shut, mind projecting the image, olfactory nerves generating the scent, your hands are ready to work on you and for you. You know the right pace, the sensual hold, the right position while you fantacize of the unknown and unseen. Mating calls over the phone! Does it sound animal like?

Isn’t this better than just starring at porn on the computer or TV screen? You have a real voice creating the mood, making the touch, holding the tool, and helping your reach the climax at your own speed and comfort. You enter, you let it enter at your own conditions of temperature, pressure violating Charles and Boyles and many more Laws in Physics, Chemistry and Biology. Doesn’t this sound unorthodox enough for Olivia Judson?

Phone sex can happen between strangers, friends and partners in a relationship separated by distance. And today mobile phones have made the act even easier and you don’t need a long telephone cable running through the house and you can climax in your garage, bathroom, bedroom or kitchen counter giving you the same element of pleasure. Mobile sex, huh?

When the act ends you can either choose to hang up or continue to talk depending on your mood and if it comes free or for a charge. It doesn’t fall either in the category of infidelity or prostitution. It is neat, clean, disease free, and at your convenience and at your home. Wow!

So what you waiting for? Time to choose the cheapest network provider in your country. There is no Regis Philbin to ask you if you want to phone a friend or a stranger, you decide your cuisine and menu for the day.

Communicate, copulate and compete with the Ciliates.

Yours Sinfully & Sincerely,

Labor of love!

This will be my last blog for the year and I am ending on a note of contemplation and introspection and definitely not on a note of ridicule. I will come back next year with more fodder for thought and with tales from my travel to Turkey. Hamams and Turkish delights will be served. Yum! Yum!

For now, just come with me on the pride journey that happened in my city, earlier this year.
It was one of those warm days with bearable humidity. Chennai gets many of those days in a year, but today was special and different. To some it was an extra humid day and to some extra cool. The walk on the shores of Marina was symbolically started from “Labor statue”. Labor of love!

Let me belabor…

Public may refer to us as “dykes” and “queer” and label our choice as biologically deviant, but there we march with pride and in solidarity to recolor prejudice and malice with rainbow shades. You can call this a walk of awareness, a walk of camaraderie, a walk to end bigotry, and bottom line a walk to make people think (walkers and watchers).

I never dreamed of this walk to happen in my life time in a city labeled as complex and conservative. Is it difficult to walk among a bunch of homosexuals without being peered, hit and scratched? All said and done…It is definitely one of those days to be inked in the annals of Chennai’s history. A bookmark in the pages of the city!

The pride peacocks assembled behind the labor statue well before time. Some exchanged looks, some shook hands, some diligently exchanged members for later hook up, but before the media vultures arrived they hid their faces behind the Venetian masks, big sun goggles, and covered their flora from the June skies.

Wiping the trickling sweat beads, adjusting their mask, and holding to the placards they passionately marched yelling their memorized slogans. Some afraid of media attention stayed away from holding a placard and they silently marched looking at the world through those small holes in the masks.

A few owners walked their heterosexual pets and I found some without owners (stray) walking the march. Do dogs have a choice? Those bitches were fag hags!

Some of those who marched the pride had nothing to do with the gay community. They were straight as arrow and came to support their friends. Do they even understand what it is to be gay? Or was it a photo opportunity and free publicity?

I have had incidents where some of my straight friends whom I came out to became uncomfortable when I put my hands around them. These guys couldn’t differentiate between touch of friend from touch of lust. Their misgivings are understandable, but how I do make them feel comfortable?

As it gathered mass and momentum I migrated from the sidelines of the march and moved to the center of the march.

I turned around and realized that I was surrounded by homosexuals, many of them were strangers. The smell of testosterone was overpowering. I paused and looked at my community the purpose of the march.

For some this was another opportunity to swap numbers, exchange looks, and write an open invitation to bed. Then there were a few who stayed in the sidelines of the march and their sexuality. They came to check out and possibly ogle and take home one or two from the crowd.
The march slowed at time, had its moments of silence, suddenly there was cheer and it moved swiftly towards the destination.

Some among the community wore sexuality on their sleeve and walked around as through it is their only identity to manhood and ticket to salvation. In the gay world honesty is scare and promiscuity is an epidemic.

Many of us walked around with broken hearts, many of us were cheated, many of us were dumped, and many of us were used like surgical cotton. Many at times the straight world was less threatening and treacherous than the gay world. We extricated ourselves from the web of gossip and treachery, temporarily fled the island of loneliness, and marched with pain, bitterness and issues of trust. Yet we walked bravely to reform the society wearing the badges of dishonor and carrying baggages of deceit, depression and disappointment. The fire of truth and transparency was long extinguished and the torch of infidelity and dishonesty was held high. Isn’t it time for self reformation?

It may be okay and accepted to do such marches in the West, but East is not yet there. We lack basic hygiene to deal with homosexuality. Do we have counseling facilities for homosexuals, their immediate family and friends? Is there someone out there who can teach us how to live with dignity, responsibility of a relationship, pride without prowling, promiscuity and preying? Don’t we have to be educated with the rules of relationship, hygiene in physical intimacy, safety of safe sex and importantly learn not to treat humans as sex toys.

As the march reached the final destination “Light house” the crowd dispersed – some dispersed with euphoria to attend the evening party and some returned home with melancholy.
Sadly no one seems to have realized that there is a long list of things to be done within the community, but we’ve already out on a march to reform the society. Another pride march ended without a purpose.

Tell me how many gay relationships have lasted fora life time? Even before the tear of disappointment from the previous relationship dries we are ready to date the next. With low threshold to boredom, patience and maintain relationship what respect are we really expecting from the society?

That night Chennai march was nationally telecasted. Orthodox, cocoon, caterpillar image of Chennai was repainted. Next morning front pages in most newspapers carried images from the pride walk with words and voices from the faces behind the masks. Homosexual men trapped in marriages made sure their wives were not around while they enjoyed very word and picture in the newspaper.

In the vortex of Sexuality 20s or 40s?

What about 40's and what about men in 40's? Is 40 a biological barrier or a psychological barrier? Should I treat these as independent questions or should I treat them together? Does it matter? Anyways both questions seem to be juicy, spicy, hot, sticky, cerebral and with lot of mileage for redemption and exploration.
Confessions first….

My earlier encounters with men in their 40’s were intriguingly interesting. Intrigued because, they seem to carry the love, passion and spark that ignited my dampened and withered soul. Interesting because, all of this came without any commitment or shelf life. Was it just an attraction/infactuation from my end? Or was it mutual? Every relationship however long and momentary is for mutual gain. Let us park this question for now and rewind my tapes from my teenage and tormenting twenties to analyze and understand mutual needs and the need for intellectual arousal.

All said and some never done, I found men in 40’s extremely warm, caring, strong and living from the heart. I felt they had reached the stage of maturity and seasoning in life, and was sure they would take care of me and never hurt me. But then I was in my late teens and it was too early for me to walk into their shoes and understand what they were looking for in me.

Grey and bald in worldly parlance meant thinkers and intellectuals with oozing wisdom who've weathered the storms of life. Wow…sound so hot material and mentally stimulating…huh? Yes, I did chase them because I wanted to share feelings of my sexuality and have them for mentors and look up to them for support, guidance and comfort in life. This was something that I could never get at home with my undecided, and confusing, undefined and contorted sexuality.

You can label men in 40’s as my “festish” but in reality I needed validation; I needed someone to comfort me and someone to teach me how to live with my biological inadequacies, teach me sexual proclivities of life.

Was I caught in the vortex of sexuality, delusion, desire, or curiosity or all of the above? I was truly a science student, experimenting with men and my sexuality. Sigmund Freud was not around, if he would have been around, he would have “theorized” my experimentation and coordinated my vertex of sexuality.

Curiosity always remained the denominator of our life. I wanted to understand the psychology of men in 40’s.What do men in 40’s want? What is their expedition all about? Are they vanquishing their suppressed emotions? Is it their 2nd adolescence? Is it onset of andropause? I had so many questions to answer and find answers.

I hunted down those men in grey, those with receding hairline and those who fathered a few kids. What a combination, huh? What a choice of menu! Raging hormones was waging a war inside me. I felt even more attracted when I heard them talk about their wife and children. This is because, I always longed to have a family of my own and I wanted a man who would take care of me like his own family. I wanted my men and I wanted the warmth of a relationship and kids. Honestly, someone was living my life and dream. I wanted to enjoy be with someone who was living my dream. It is natural to feel jealous, but I just wanted to be a part of that life and dream. I wanted to know how easy it was to be gay, married and with kids? I also wanted to know how men in 40’s think. How to be free from guilt and yet happy? How to keep everyone (wife, society, in-laws and parents) happy in the marriage?

Life has both reasons and seasons! Twenty years later as I approach my cliff of my 30s I am just like those men who I chased – that holds good only with respect to my physical landscape. I was still single, I didn’t have kids, and I was not in a marriage cocooned by the society. Today my geography is identical to theirs, I am bald and my beard is almost grey but my libido has calmed down. Those grey ones were interesting to observe from my side of the shore.

Mallik, married father of two, grey hair not bald, biked into my life after an infatuation bid at the traffic light. His eyes were telegraphing untold stories, his heart was idling faster than his bike engine and his tongue kept pushing those words down back into his gullet. The light turned green and chaos soon returned on the streets. At this stage of life I was not looking for any support, any clarity, any buoy to get me ashore, but still curiousity made me look through the torn plastic in the rear window. He was following me like a maniac, swerving and jumping red lights. That was the power of the hidden desires and propulsion by hormones. He was 2 meters away from me, but there was a lot of hesitation to speak to me I got down at my destination. I went up to him and asked him what he wanted, well I didn't want to assume anything. The cliched pick-up line "Do I know you from somewhere" (more than a pick-up line it is a line of confession that I am gay) was reeled at me. I smiled, acknowledged and understood the urgency to end his hesitation and invited him to know me over a cup of arabic wine. A few gulps brought out his hidden desires, and the verb appeared to be a noun on the surface. He was stuck in the same vortex of sexuality that I was stuck many years ago.

With 2 kids and a lovely family, he wanted to explore this side of his life that he has ignored for years. 15 years ago coming out was not an option, and marriage was an indelible part of gay men life. But today world wears sexuality on their sleeve. Bollywood movies rant about sexuality, article 377 gets front page coverage in national newspapers and pride marches have becomes a part of every metro culture, Mallik wanted to come out of the self imposed exile. He felt more confident to talk about his desires and he could find more people accepting and understanding. How long can someone hold their soul secrets, guilt, and repressed emotions? His needs were both psychological and psychobiological. What a reversal of role! The 40+ man wanted to catch up with his un-entertained 20s.

Is 40 the new revelation point in a man's life? Does it take him on an inward journey to discovery, enjoy and empty his desires and guilt? Does it give them time, confidence, and courage to hear murmurs of their heart?

Some men accept their suppressed sexuality, some think of it as a fashion statement, while some men blamed their newfound preference on their spice less marriage. Niranjan, a businessman in his 40's, bald and grey, with 2 kids, blame his insipid marriage, and difficult wife for his exploring alternate sexuality. At a common gathering Niranjan came strongly and fiercely at me. Niranajan wanted someone with whom he could share, discuss, confess and engage his dreams and desires. In short a verb cum noun version of mate!

When I rewinded his tape of youth, he confessed his liking for men, but he said he could never muster up courage to stay single or go against his family wish to get married and fell a prey to social mores and quotient guilt. Niranjan is one among many caught in the boundaries of society, self imposed duties towards parents and guilt from surreptitiously engaging in his manly desires. Life in the animal kingdom seemed easy, since there were no moral rules to comply with and copulation was just for procreation. But human world driven by greed, need and want, lust and desires, came with moral rules, frameworks governed by the society. The moral rules of sexuality and morality seemed thin, yet powerful and emotionally/mentally draining.

I still feel 40+ men are perfect husband material in many ways. They were busy making money, paying EMIs, responsibly attending to the needs of their demanding marriage (kids and partner), but they had little time to pause, reflect and recollect. Even if they paused there was nothing much they could do because the vortex of society was powerful to escape. When I paused them they confessed their loneliness, disconnect and sadness. I have noticed that some are interested in connecting at cerebral level, while some are only interested in physical emoluments from the relationship. In general both categories are clear what they want.

Should we blame his repressed emotions or sparking marriage? Niranjan is depressed, and often battling such strong self consuming emotions. His repressed desire was eating his peace more than the guilt after feeding. Many at times we discussed about bottled up sexuality, confused identity, raunchy encounters, and finally garnished our conversation with philosophy of life with the 40s club. He says he finds peace in my company and in our conversation.

My earlier men in 40's were interesting, strong, focussed, but now my men in 40's seem stressed out, smoldering but nevertheless chivalrous. 40s had nothing to do with neither psychological nor biological barrier. It seemed like they wanted to entertain their suppressed desires. There was a time when I wanted their family life, and now they were willing to trade their family life for my singlehood on the peripheries of society.

The vortex of life and sexuality seemed powerful at 20s and 40s.

Flower power

We are colleagues and we’ve known each other for just over 2 months and she waited for the moon to come up and then invited me to the terrace. By then most of the office was empty. Her long hair was touching the parapet wall and I was imaging a Cleopatra on the balcony. I didn’t know what to expect but it felt like walking into the doctor’s room to discuss my blood sample result. I’m not sure what followed was an information, proposition or a confession or all of the above? She said she was not looking at me as just another colleague and she had a “thing” for me. The very moment I heard this I lost my hearing and my heart was in my mouth. I felt dizzy and moved away from the parapet wall.

I looked into her eyes and the storm was brewing. She broke down and summarized her 5 year old married life in just three words “on the rocks”. I was not sure if all this was true but felt like in a state of inebriety. Inebriety from the flower power?
Truly looking back at my interactions with her, there was no flirtation, no sexual overtones and no everything that straight men do to attract women. We discuss blogs, books, movies, music and at time scamper on office gossip. Does all this make me and other gay men attractive cand(y)dates?

She is the fifth friend and the second of married women who have openly expressed their attraction for me. Both of them had a not so good marriage. What is with gay men and women in a bad marriage? Why is it these women still get attracted to men after their bad experiences? Do we share the same complains about men? Does misery loves company?

The first time a married colleague approached expressing her feelings for me I was shocked and labeled her a “strumpet”. But after few experiences I could relate to their desperation for good and light hearted men. Over the years I’ve found that we are running the same race; we are chasing the same men, the men who are ruthless, heartless and animal. Am I sounding like Desperate housewives?

It is just not married women who’ve approached even unwed women find me attractive. Am I adonis? Am I “chick magnet”? Am I loaded with cash? I am just an ordinary looking guy, will just normal IQ laced with arrogance and still these women are drawn towards me? Is it just me or is it the flower power of gay men? I have done a lot of activities with my unwed women friends who’ve proposed to me. We’ve watched chick flicks together, we enjoy the similar kind of sitcoms ( SATC, Desp Housewives), we enjoy pastel colors, craft work, enjoy cooking, cleaning iced bitching.

I may have disappointed half a dozen women who’ve proposed to me, but I have never used and abused them. I felt like holding her hand, giving her a warm hug and assuring her of my friendship for life. May be I could confess to her my side of the story and forge a bilateral fag hag alliance. May be I could share with her my heartbreak stories, one night stands, and tales from the treacherous gay world. I was afraid of her reaction and I didn’t want my sexuality to curdle our professional relationship.

I have known a few friends who’ve come out to their women friends and colleagues. And they swear it was the easy and women were more accepting and understanding than their men. Is it because our hormones are not overpowering, drowning and coming across strongly? We don’t come across as those powerful men who go around them like a merry go round and vanish after the ride. All said and done, we are gentle and genteel. BTW, isn’ that flower power?

Sexploration

Atleast most gay men that I know are highly creative, extremely talented, and with a sharp sense of focus to excel, but for these folks relationships are like walking on egg shells. Sounds like Asperger’s syndrome, huh? People with Asperger’s may have superior intelligence and verbal skills, and they often have an obsessive interest in a particular topic. May be “Sex”? But they tend to be self-defeatingly awkward in social situations, and romantic relationships can leave them at sea. This leaves me thinking…Are gay men romantically challenged? Is romantically challenged a neurological disorder? Is it a life about a disability for gay men? Wow!

Under the pretext of friendship they usually end up crossing territories, get entangled in the web of relationship, mangling relationships and finally end up hurting each other and burning bridges beyond repair and salvage. And by the time they hit their 30s there is only fear and cynicism, and there is one friend “loneliness” along with dregs of rejections, insecurity and failed relationships. How many relationships hoops have you passed through? How many bridges of friendships have you burnt? Sounds you like? or many others that you know in our community? If you were given another chance, would you do things differently this time?

Sometimes I wonder why gay men mix sex and friendship. Though it appears like milk and coffee, but in reality it is milk and salt. A 10 year long friendship carefully handpicked and nurtured turned sour when my friend trespassed and sexplored. What does exploration of the body do to friendship? Does it build a sense of commitment and ownership? Why do most friendships see the grave after exploration? Does familiarity breed contempt?

A few months of exploration took them into unchartered territories without any rules of engagement. The relationship reached a point of comfort that his friend started to leave his tooth brush, personal grooming products and under garments at my friends place. My friends had no clue where this relationship was headed. Nothing was planned this way, but now my friend was confronted with a riddle to solve. My friend was ready to graduate this to LTR (a committed relationship with a time stamp that neither party knows when it endsJ). When he asked his friend if they could take this relationship to the next level, there was strong resistance and extended silence. It was clear that he was not ready for any relationship and all these weekend stays was just casual sex for fun and nothing more. Leaving behind toiletries was more of comfort than for anything concrete and committed. Well who would not enjoy any strings attached, and who would turn down friends with benefits?

My friend says things were not same anymore. The emotional bonding, mental chemistry, trust, and comfort all went out window and brought in the bad air of obsession, possessiveness, distrust and complexity. A calm sea turn suddenly turned choppy and frothy. The shortest distance between two friends that was once straight was now mangled and entangled in the web of emotions.

Some explore others mind with their body, while some explore others body with their mind. The mind and body combination seems deadly enough to curdle relationships. Can’t two gay men have a platonic relationship? Can’t they have a friendship without sexploration? Why should they look at each other as objects of enjoyment? Should they have to get physically intimate to sow the seed of friendship?

My friend’s close pal moved back from US to Chennai and my friend wanted me to meet up with him casually. Sometimes I wonder if friends experiment by keeping cotton and fire together. I met the guy at a neutral venue for coffee and the conversation went really well. There was nothing odd, suspicious or salacious. He seemed decent, sorted and knew his boundaries. Over the next week there was a flurry of emails and SMS from him and finally came an invite to visit his place. In the past I have met gay men who don’t want to get to know you and will instantly shut down the chat window they see your picture.

The conversation that started straight and normal soon turned awkward and meaty. The extra long passes and flattering comments of my forearms and triceps made me wiggle in my chair. Now I was wary of his intentions. Was he expecting a “Welcome Home fuck?”

The next was really predictable. Want to take a guess? He wanted to check out if I had a six pack and if I gave him some space he wanted to go below the belt. I was being poked at like the bakra hanging upside in a meat stall. I knew where this engagement was headed and quickly reached for the door. The farm land was ploughed but no seed of friendship was sown. Is prowling and preying a part of the friendship game?

Some reactions are just irreversible and the journey takes you to Bermuda triangle. In the following weeks like the farmers of Vidharba I waited looking at my mobile and mail box. I tried to reach out to him, but I don’t know if he was guilty or hurt, but the friendship never blossomed. Now I was punished for not sailing beyond the boundaries.

In the first case the friendship was lost because of exploration and in the next one the seed of friendship never sprouted because there was no mining below the belt. And often I have heard cases where friendships are born out of exploration and continue to stay pink and gay. Nobody seems to know where and when to explore beyond the boundaries of friendship. What do they want from a relationship? Where to exercise caution? What are the rules of engagement? What are the repercussions of trespassing? Are we unfaithful as friends? Are we romantically challenged? Are we meat eaters or addicts?

Often gay men don’t share great relationship with their fathers, brothers and even sometimes with their straight friends because of their orientation and the only fallback are “friends”. And friends go beyond family, and they are often most trusted companions when it comes to confiding their fears and secrets, sound board when it comes opening their heart and mind and finally an emotional sponge when it comes to comforting the broken heart. And surprisingly 99 out of 100 times gay men are hurt by their own community than straight counterparts.

So next time before you Sexplore think… Is it difficult to be simple and straight? Don’t let lust kill love and friendship.

17 Again

I was mildly surprised and rudely shocked when I went to watch the movie “17 Again”. Why surprised and shocked? Hmm…

For those of you who’ve not seen the movie, it is about a guy ignoring his dreams, failing to listen to his inner voice, walking over his talents. He chooses a girl and forgoes his basketball and college scholarship. It takes a marriage, 2 kids and 20 years of family life for him to finally hear the inner voice. And today he feels so trapped in life. Call it the vicissitudes of life or fate, but this is perfect entrapment most of us get into. All through his marriage he blames his wife for his failures and none of the project that he undertakes sees the light of the day and now
suddenly reviews his life at the brink of divorce. Can I get my life back? Can I get another chance to redo my life? Can I be 17 again?

This left me thinking…How many of us feel this way? How many of us decide to go behind our dreams? How many of us realize our inherent gifts and talents and capitalize on it? Some of us feel it is right and just to thrust our dreams on our kids? Did we have a choice over what we wanted to study? Did we have a choice over going overseas for education? Did we have
a choice when it comes to a job? We end up taking up a job because of the opportunity cost and bills payable. We decide to settle in for bills than dreams.

While I was trying to catch a glimpse of drama on the screen there was another drama that was unfolding in front of me. A sixty plus man, with all qualifications for a sixty year old – bald, grey hair, a bulging waistline and an arched spine walked in with a 20 year old kid with jelled hair,
tight shirt exhibiting those rippling gym trained muscles, low waist jeans held tightly by a canvas belt and his hands around the shoulder elderly gentleman. And during the break I saw the old man all over the fawn, holding him by his shoulders and coaxing him to have popcorn and coke.
Wow!

I don’t know how many in the movie hall caught a glimpse of them and felt that way, but I felt something sharply contrasting in this duo. Why should a twenty year wrap his hands around a sixty year old? Could they be father and son? Could they be grandfather and grandson? Or a simple sugary relationship? Or could it be any other relationship beyond the traditional
framework? May be it is a new kind of relationship in the make and yet to be defined by the society?

I was reminded of storyline “Memoirs of Melancholy Whores” by Gabriel Garcia Marquis and K. Balachander’s movie where the hero in falls in love with a man twice her age. I realized such stories are not fictional anymore.

Were they caught in a turbulence of lust or love? But it didn’t seem to matter to them and it was none of my business to analyze and judge. The old man was definitely trying to catch up with the life that he failed to live, explore and satiate. And may be the young one was getting love and more that he is missing in life. They walked out of the movie holding each other hands, may be inspired by the movie? The sixty plus was definitely17 Again!

Do I know you from somewhere?

When one stranger asks you “Do I know you from somewhere?” it is okay, but what if multiple people ask you the same question in one week. I know I am not a celebrity, nor am I a socialite/page3 figure in the city. But have I met these people somewhere or sometime? Or do I have something in common with these people? It is him or his penis that made me ask the question? Hmm….interesting thought…

The first time the line got hurled at me when I was walking out of a movie hall. The guy was tall, handsome and was starring at my while I was in the queue to exit the movie hall. I was waiting outside the movie hall for my friends and this guy charges towards me, ignored my friends and instantly puts his handout and stuns me with the line. My friends were around and I couldn’t do much other than say “I don’t think so”. But then he didn’t seem convinced with my answer, and then came the next one “You seem familiar”. Now I was kind of embarrassed and didn’t know how to handle this situation. Does it mean that he doesn’t know and he wants my number and wants to know me better? He he he…. My friends were helplessly looking at the volley of questions and replies flying between us. I didn’t know he was a male model who posed for the recently released male bikini calendar. I could hear some of them go “he is the November guy” and I had no clue that this guy was trying the clichéd pick line on me. After so many questions I wanted to atleast introduce myself before I left. But then he wanted to know how I spent my weekends. Wow….that was too early to go to my weekends and my free time. With just a smile and handshake I left the venue.

The same week I am on the last train to Bangalore. I reached 20 mins before the departure and before boarding the coach I checked out my co-passengers in the list outside the boggie. It was all youngsters and I didn’t have to worry about obliging and swapping my middle berths with elders. The air conditioned I found place for my baggage, pulled out “Love, Eat, Pray” and settled myself comfortably in my seat. I lent my book the guy besides me who was trying all possible angles to catch a glimpse of my book cover. Every now and then I peeped at the door at the end of the doorway impatiently waiting for the ticket examiner. There were two guys to my left occupying the side lower and upper berths and one of them was lost in the music playing in his ipod while I settled for the book. I walked out to get a bottle of water and when I boarded the boggie I saw the ipod guy near the doorway and he asked me the same question again. I was shy and didn’t know how to respond, I didn’t introduce myself or shake my hands, but still gave my canned reply. I could have stopped there and extended the conversations with a few more questions like where do you live, where do you work? But these questions have just one underlying intent – I like you. But looking at my physique he didn’t pursue any further. He went back and settled in his berth and that was the end of it. May be he genuinely meant it and he was not trying a pick-up line.

“Do I know you from somewhere” is one of the most common, cheesiest and direct pick-up line. Some feel it is an innocuous question, agreed, and it is better than asking someone for time or starring incessantly. It doesn't say if you want to know a person or you want to enjoy the person. I would rather appreciate when people directly ask me out of coffee or tell me they want to know about me than try these deviant pick-up lines. But someone can be genuinely can be mistaken to belong to the pride. I agree sometimes you can’t judge a person’s sexuality and you need to use such questions to hint the other person about your orientation and subtly let him know you like him or like to know more about him. But still can’t we try something better? Or next time when someone tries that line on me should I tell them I am taken?

Shift+Delete

What happens to you when you’re gay friend decides to get married to a woman? Does he continue to be your friend? Do you continue to be his friend? How do you re-define the friendship space?

More than a year ago I received an email from a FWB. I was rudely surprised when I got an email from him with the subject “Wedding Invitation”. Whenever we discussed topics like our future, male partners, loneliness, old age, and marriage, he was so sure he would never get married for convenience, for society or for his parents. And now there was a wedding invite from him. I didn’t take it seriously and thought it could be an invite for his brother’s wedding. Could it be a virus? Could it be a spam email? Every possibility ran in my mind. I mustered up courage and clicked on the subject and some more surprise unfolded.

The mail was marked to many others (FB, DF, FWB) and said he was getting married in Madurai on Sep 15. I opened the invite in awe and shock, but with a flickering hope that it could be prank. My eyes searched for his name, his father’s name and bride’s name on the invite. I even rechecked the date and venue. May be he was fooling around after tampering with an expired old invite in Photoshop. But it was all there in bold and red. I froze for a minute and replayed our conversations and decisions on marriage and how we guys could all stick together and care for each other. Now all that seemed far, distant and a big lie. It left me with one question - Can humans change their orientation and preference that easily? Was it due to undue pressure for family and society? Or was it a biological need? I couldn’t go back and talk him out of it, but atleast pray for his happiness and continue living with a hope that I would still be on his list of friends.

Losing a gay man to another gay man was something that I am used to, but losing to a woman was not acceptable. This is not the first time such a thing in happening to me. A good friend of mine in the US did the same a few years ago. He came to India to get married, but didn’t even inform me of his trip or marriage. One fine day he saw me online and told me that he was married, my heart just sank. I asked him when and he said it happened 6 months ago. I asked him where and he said India. I didn’t ask him anything more and the chat was punctuated with silence more than words.

More than disappointment, I felt hurt because I was kept in dark. Leave alone an invite for the wedding, I was not even worthy of an information. How will we define our space and friendship? But then he was clear, he didn’t want to remember his past life and friendships and he wanted to put an end to it. That was the last chat we had and his marriage was the funeral of our friendship.

I closed the e-invite in disappointment and loss. More than what bothered me was the text below the first few lines of the invite. He said he is sending this email as a FYI and not an invite. He said he will not be accessing this email anymore and his phone number was already changed. I could not believe my eyes. Is he out of his mind? Why would I trouble him after his marriage? Can’t we still remain friends? I closed the email and again opened to make sure I was hallucinating. But it was in black and white and our friendship was “Shift + Delete”. It was an irrecoverable loss, and friendship.

Am I such a bad human being that he wants me out of his life? Isn’t it easy to say good-bye to people through email and walk away turning your back at them and your past? I felt like a cigarette and marijuana, I gave them happiness and at the end of it I was stomped. Rather than going through this grill mill every time, I have told me friends who are getting wedded to send me just an email with just the subject “I am getting married” and I will instantly rearrange my life.

Sometimes the shortest distance between two gay man is never a straight line, it is devious, long and abruprt. Anything that you can’t share it with family will always remain in dark and what happens in dark…stays in dark…

99 out of 100 times gay men are hurt by their own community more than st8 men and women and rest of the community. There is no use holding pride parades and talking about gay rights if you cant treat your own community with respect and love.

It is time to move on…..

F-Words

I was shocked the other day when my close friend of 15 years failed to introduce me his “friend” at a social gathering to which he dragged me. Am I not eligible for the “friend” title after 15 years of association and kinship? This incident made me examine the meaning of the frivolously used word “friend”.

Maybe introducing someone in the straight world as a “friend” has no other connotation than in the gay world, where friendships are fleeting and forged in the market driven by lust, needs, meats and measures. This was a completely straight gathering and no one would even read otherwise, but still I remained on his “acquaintance list”.

I came home that night in slight funk after the friendly humiliation. I flipped through my contacts on my mobile, trying to decide which friend to call and unction my bruised spirit. As I scrolled through the mobile phone contacts something struck me really hard.

Next to our families, we all invest in a circle of trustworthy people we call “friends” with an unspoken agreement that we will be there for each other. I began counting the number of contacts that I would truly acknowledge as “friends” and I tried to remember how I forged those friendships and if the relationships were psychological bonds or physiological needs or both? This is when I realized be it straight or otherwise friendships come with boundary conditions, retention clauses, expiration dates and no guaranteed satisfaction clauses L.

What does the word “friend” mean to a gay man? What did my contacts list say about me? Could all the fuck buddies be referred to as friends? This humiliation made me honest, and turned me inwards. I christened all friends on my contact list with suffixes.

FWB– friends without benefits - these are just plain vanilla friendship without any benefits, they could be straight or gay, but no physical boundaries trespassed in the past and no intentions for the future

DF – dial a fuck – these are mere fuck buddies, sexploration, could be one night stands or get you to be a repeat customer, and driven by lust, pleasure, hormones and not for issues and tissues

FB - friends with benefits – these are guys whom you can connect with emotionally and physically (shoot from the hip and lip), they can wipe body fluids and bind raw wounds (gauze)

I was happy I was able to be honest and segregate my friends from FB and DF. Now I had to deal with all these contacts with suffixes. Should I make the DF and FB ones a little more perky and juicy by adding statistics to it? I know I sound like a herbiwhore now.

Some guys are really adept in handling friends, fuck buddies and friends with benefits. Now I kept thinking how am I going to handle them? I could name them however I want on my mobile, but in the real word “friendship” word comes with a set of rules and grammar. Do I call them as friends, though they would typically fall in the “DF” category? New words come with tenses, degrees and usage rules.

Should I call it a plain English grammar class or a word power class with Norman & Lewis? Doesn’t matter, it was a night of revelation. Mobile scrolling taught me other words apart from the flippant one – friendship and fuck. FWB, DF, FB got added to the dictionary of f-words. It exposed my oscillating between a predator and a prey, and brought back memories from the past – some names smelled of sweat, some smelled of gooey body fluids, while some were just plain tears. But the there were a few friends who started as FB but who got upgraded to FNB category and some who got downgraded from FB to DF.

But honestly I was coming to terms with my randy, gaudy and slutty side. I realized had used people like surgical cotton and disposed them without any reverence and gratitude. I will let you scroll down your mobile and repeat the same exercise …..let me know where and how I feature on your list.